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Bi but Not Really?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by lblubber, Apr 21, 2017.

  1. lblubber

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    This is the first place I've said this as if it's an actual thing.

    The other night I was lying in bed and I realised that my first crush was not, as I thought, on a boy who was a family friend of mine, but rather a girl in my sunday school class. I remember I couldn't stop looking at her, her eyes were so blue. I can identify, amid all the crushes on boys that I fixated on as a kid, a number of girls I've felt this way about. I never identified my feelings as explicitly sexual, but I've loved to look at them.

    When my first love asked me if I was attracted to girls too, I said it was about 80/20. The percentage I picked, 20, was calculated. Just enough to not be gay, but still enough to be interesting. I even thought I was probably exaggerating. The more our relationship progressed and the more comfortable I became being intimate with another person, the more I realised that what I was doing with him I actually would like to do with a girl.

    I'm 20 years old now and I've never kissed a girl, it just feels like it's too late now to decide that I'm bi. The idea of even trying it on with a girl astounds me. How do I do that? What's the code? How do I know if a girl is into me? What's more confusing is that I still like boys, I still picture myself ending up with a guy, but I'm starting to fear that I might never get the chance to explore the other side of myself.

    And on top of that, if I eventually see myself ending up in a het relationship, what claim do I have on an LGBT identity? A look at my gay friends and I read the stories from people on this forum and everybody is so brave and so proud and so amazing, and here I am, spoiled for choice, bathing in my own privilege. I've never experienced sexual discrimination, my parents love and accept me, and even if I told them about all this^ what difference would it even make if I ended up being 'straight' anyway?

    I'm just confused. If there's anyone out there like me, I'd really appreciate some guidance or just someone else to moan with :slight_smile:
     
  2. Worker Bee

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    It's never too late to discover who you are. I can't tell you how to know whether a girl is into you as I'm still pretty clueless myself on that one and I'm twice your age.

    Maybe you should ask your gay friends to take you to a few clubs. You never know a woman may come up to you and ask if you want a drink etc

    You may find after you've experienced being with a girl your eventual ending may blur a little.
     
  3. janeausten

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    Hi iblubbler,
    I feel like we are kindred spirits. I too have been questioning, wondering if I even belong to this community as I've never been with another girl, yet here I am.

    So no, I don't think it's too late for us to start realizing who we really are. I think part of our humanity is that we do change so much throughout our lifetime. Recognizing that you want something different is good. I'm happy that you have!

    Even if you choose down the road to be in a committed relationship with a man, that doesn't cancel out the fact that you still are attracted to women. Like, I really like both Thai and Mexican food, and even if I decide to eat Thai for a month, my enjoyment for Mexican food won't suddenly disappear.

    But I'm happy to talk with you, as we both navigate these waters :slight_smile:
     
  4. Zen fix

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    I can give you some advice about ladies and perhaps someday you'll give me some about men. :icon_wink
    Just don't overthink it too much. There are no guarantees and we aren't entitled to jack shit so just always keep that in mind.

    Does she want to talk to you? You've made some small talk. You've been friendly and well mannered and perhaps engaged in some minor flirting. If she still wants to talk to you when you see her she may be interested. She also may just appreciate fun friendly conversation.
    Can you hang out in a group setting? (Not work) This will give you a chance to see how she is around others. Also to deepen your friendship. If she tells you she just wants to be friends then she most likely never had any romantic interest anyway. But hey, you got a new friend.
    Once you've done those things you can ask to take her out. If she accepts it may mean she's just a little interested or a lot interested. You just have to use your judgement and see how it goes.

    Good luck.
     
  5. beenthrdonetht

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    It does sound like you could (even should) date a girl. And it also sounds like it wouldn't bring the sky falling down if you said to your parents "I'm dating a girl." As opposed to "I am a <pick your label here>." Which always seems so reductive.

    Apart from that, I agree with above posters. Esp. Zen fix, who is notable for well-phrased advice.
     
  6. Zen fix

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    LoL. I just found my new signature.