OK, so for mixed orientation couples who have been living in denial for a while... but where the gay or lesbian spouse still can't shake the fact that he or she cannot live like this forever, what is the best way to finally put your foot down and make it clear that you do want to end things. My spouse does not want a divorce, but I feel like I'm in some sort of limbo and have to shut down a part of myself in order to stay in this relationship. Also, complicating things, my spouse is financially dependent on me and we have kids.
My situation is different in the sense that I’m the lesbian one, but I’m also the financially dependent one. This... ...is a scary place to be and there are a lot of unknowns. Apologies I’ve you’ve posted about this before and I’m repeating what’s been said, but do have a plan? Are you happy to stay in the family home (not living as a couple) until your wife has a job, etc.?It might help if you could make the future seem less scary in some way. Obviously, you can’t force her to look for work, but you could help with organising childcare, which can sometimes feel like a barrier.
It's going to hurt. It's going to feel like you took a wrecking ball to everyone's lives. You will probably need attorneys to help you agree on a fair severance package. The hurt will get better with time. You will both have the freedom to move on. Your children will need you to be amicable and they will keep you in each other's lives forever. Divorce, don't divorce. It will be hard, regardless. Where do you want to be in 10 years?
It's hard, and it sounds like this person is still very dependent on you. Separation is the best way forward and children are often much more resilient than we give them credit for.....you both deserve to be happy and to move on. I'm a gay guy leaving the marital home really soon . I'm hoping it will be better for my kids. As their mum and I can't get along at all. There is hope make a plan and still with it, my ex has tried to derail me but I refuse to let her.
I know a couple with two kids that are keeping their home as a home base for the kids and they share an apartment nearby. The wife is at the apartment for 3 days and the husband for the other 3 days and then one day at the house as a family. At the main house they have separate bedrooms. The kids stay there and always have one parent home with them and family time on the other day. It seems to be working for them.
Really good point, there are many ways to skin a cat. To get to that point, it take a lot of cooperation.
Most definitely... They started out living together but in separate bedrooms a couple years ago and it just recently transitioned to this. They are both straight and for them they coparent well and are friends but just not romantic toward each other.
I am in a mom; I came out as a lesbian to my spouse and my adult son a little over a year ago. Unfortunately I am dependent upon my spouse financially. I can tell you that if your spouse is anything like me, being financially dependent is root of all evil. It is extremely scary to think about the 'how' of supporting yourself financially. I can and have said I stay in the marriage for a multitude of reasons, but the truth is I am scared-to-death thinking about how to make it on my own and support our younger child still at home. That is in all honesty the reason I have not ended it. My advice for you and for me would be to just cut the cord. People are resilient and your spouse will be able to survive but not until you just end it. Make whatever plans you need to try to help with the financial adjustment, like setting up 6mo reserve for bills, but just bite the bullet and get it over with. Prolonging the inevitable will just cause you both so much emotional pain and turmoil. You can only begin to live, both of you, once the cord is cut.
Well, I finally emailed a counselor. I gave a short summary of where things are at. I will see what I hear back. Also, a first session is free... However, after that, they do not take insurance. Is it typical for a counselor to not take insurance? I googled therapists in the area and only one took my insurance.
Goodluck Fuzzy! Yes, that is very typical. It is rare to find a counselor who does take insurance. It is a big problem and probably one of the reasons why lower and middle class divorce rates have increased in recent years. There are none in my area that takes insurance and most do not offer the 1st visit free either.
Nervous about making this suggestion, but it... did work... You can try to find someone that isn't licensed. A life coach, life counselor or spiritual therapy counselor, they are sometimes called. They will specialize in relationships and individuals in transition or trauma, providing much of the therapy space that a licensed counselor will, only a fraction of the cost. Often, they have more to lose going solely on reputation and referral, and can be quite helpful. Might not hurt to see if you can find someone like that and try, at least.
Well, didn't hear anything back... maybe there was something wrong with their web page email form... I will try again.
OK, I've been really slow about every step of this process, but I got an email a few days ago with dates and times. I just asked if Friday was still available. I almost considered declining instead of scheduling. I'm sort of scared of the situation and full of self-doubt... but I guess that's part of why seeing someone would be a good idea though.
Exactly. You need help feeling confident about who you are so decision making can be less crippling. A good therapist will not be like a friend or family member, where they know you and see a path for you and have opinions on who you should be and how. A good therapist will listen, help you see that your struggles are so very normal, and help you understand yourself and your needs better.
Our marriage counselor used to be on our insurance plan, but isn't anymore. I think she just got fed up with dealing with the insurance and quit. I'm about to look for a counsellor for myself, focusing on LGBT issues. I'll know more about the whole insurance thing very soon!
I finally saw a therapist a few days ago. I paid out of pocket, but she said with a diagnosis, insurance should cover it. So I guess next time she will ask a few questions to see if I meet DSM criteria for generalized anxiety. If insurance will cover sessions then sure they can diagnose me.
