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Best friend is gay too... Can we date?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by spartan13, Apr 2, 2013.

  1. spartan13

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    I'm really new to this, and really need advice. I just came out as a gay man (22 years old), and I told my best friend first (23 year old man). He responded by telling me he is gay too! What a relief....

    I have told several others over the past few days, and am getting more comfortable everyday. My friend is also in the process of coming out to others.

    We have been best friends for a few years. We have a ton in common, and really enjoy eachother's company. Without a doubt, I have more of a connection with him compared to any friend I've ever had.

    I have hooked up with a few guys over the years, and he still has never tried anything with a guy (but he is 100% sure he is gay).

    HERE IS WHERE I NEED ADVICE:
    I think I might be in love with my friend... I have been attracted to him for a long time, and we have so much in common. My fear is that he views me more as a brother than a lover. I doubt he even suspects I have such strong feelings for him. What should I do? Start flirting with him after all these years? Tell him how I feel? Try and hookup after going to a bar? I NEVER want to loose him being a part of my life, but I also know that I would love for him to want to be more than friends.

    Keep in mind, we are both just starting to come out.... Still very new.

    What should I do?
     
  2. LD579

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    Tread lightly here. You don't want to ruin your friendship.

    I'll say this: there are other gay guys out there. I wouldn't suggest that you just go after your friend because you like him a lot, you're friends, and he's also gay. There's more at risk, as I'm sure you know.

    I'd suggest that you let this initial burst of 'energy' from coming out lessen, first. Maybe you'll be able to view things in a manner more typical for yourself in like a week?

    If things do happen between you two, you have to be clear with each other on what you want, and so on.

    For now, I'd honestly suggest waiting and letting yourself and your friend get used to being out. Maybe even trying to befriend other gay guys or even date them, if you think you're ready / really want to.
     
  3. greatwhale

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    You are in the enviable position of having a gay best friend; friendship, not sexual attraction, not same orientation, but friendship is the basis of a lasting relationship.

    If you suspect you love him, then find the courage to tell him. Perhaps he is waiting for you!

    He may even be one of those few lucky souls who has had the privilege of finding his soul-mate the very first time!

    And, if he doesn't feel that way about you, do you seriously think that such a compatible friendship will die?

    Tell him after a long and heartfelt conversation, it's the best time to do it, but do tell him, you may be just as surprised at his reaction as you were when you found out he is gay!
     
  4. Winfield

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    Yeah dude thats some shizz your going through....
    Damn boy thats some crazy shiss right thur!! never knew bestfriends could be lovers.. my best mate is straight and we are like bro's but i guess each to their own huh?

    But seriously man, i'd stay away from it... your best mate should be like your bro and if you take it to another level that might ruin what you guys had as best mates... hypothetically if you guys dont work out as lovers then what?

    your life but just think of how this would impact your friendship...
     
  5. spartan13

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    I do need to come down from this "high" of just coming out... But I know that my feelings towards him are nothing new. I have been attracted to him for well over a year. I just wish he would tell me that he loves me, that would be easy! Any other advice about this? What would be the best way to tell him how I feel, without compromising our friendship?
     
  6. Winfield

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    Why dont you joke around with him that both of you being gay and all you should hook up? as its a joke see how he responds to that... you might get your answer from him?
     
  7. Uchiha

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    You could start by asking him if there is a guy he is interested in dating. If he feels romantically inclined towards you he might have a silly grin or blush; he might also just flat out say he's into you. No matter what though, this way'll be safe for your friendship. Essentially put the ball in his court, making sure he knows you're available :slight_smile:
     
  8. Winfield

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    yeah i feel abit foolish now with my answer... this dude's right...
     
  9. spartan13

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    Thanks! That's a great idea
     
  10. BMC77

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    This is not a situation that I've been in, so I'm only imagining what I might do. Plus my imaginings are biased towards the type of person I am. With these big grains of salt out of the way...

    In position, I certainly would be more than open to the possibility of dating the friend. I personally want more than just a good looking body to sleep with. A friend whom I have a real bond with, shared interests, and who might be interested in being more than friends would be a great thing for me.

    Obviously, there are risks. He might not be interested. Or else it may turn out that being more than friends is not possible in the long haul. But the risks can be minimized, I'd think, by being mature about it. Being careful with both guys going in, knowing that there is an existing relationship (frienship) that needs to be preserved at all costs.
     
  11. Ianthe

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    First of all, I want to say that the "hook up while drunk" scenario would almost certainly be a disaster. You are not interested in him casually. You want a relationship with him.

    He's never been with a guy. So he is probably not going to make any kind of move, even if he has very strong feelings for you.

    You should let him know that you are interested, but you should do it while both of you are sober, so that both of you know it's real. Otherwise, it might get really weird.

    You don't have to jump all the way to asking him to be your boyfriend. You can start by doing smaller things that make it apparent that you are interested, and see how he responds. Give him compliments, start touching him (in a casual way) more frequently. Hold eye contact. Let him catch you checking him out. Things like that. If he doesn't pull away from those things, you are probably safe to ask him out.

    It's better if all of this happens while both of you are sober. Seriously.