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Best friend deserted me?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by biguy94, Nov 8, 2016.

  1. biguy94

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    Hi all, I'm a new member here and have joined here in a bid to try and gain some answers and closure on a situation that has happened to me. This post will be quite lengthy due to context and background so I appreciate your patience (should anyone choose to read it).

    I had this friend, I'll call him Lee, whom I had been incredibly close with since we were 3 years old. Our parents were very good friends and would often meet up for drinks whilst me and Lee played together whilst also being at the same schools from primary school to high school and also identified as being straight. In high school were really good friends, but over time I started to care a little bit more about him in the sense of wanting to make sure he was taken care of, had someone to talk to and just generally support him as a friend as he'd had his fair share of hardships and I could see he would secretly struggle without talking about what's bothering him. Throughout school he had girlfriends and situations that never ended well for him and there was always some sort of trouble behind the reason why they would end up breaking up, including a relationship he got into that ended up knocking our friendship off road which I'll explain. By the time we were at the end of year 9 (9th grade to Americans) there was a group of us which were friends and a mix of girls and boys, out of the group he had already had sexual relations/relationships with 3 girls and he was about to go onto his 4th- due to their past history in relationships I didn't think it was a good idea but still encouraged them to go for whatever they wanted to do and be happy. During the summer holidays, his girlfriend told me she had kissed and slept with Lee's older brother who had suffered brain damage from an accident he had some years prior and although he was older than Lee, his parents and Lee always protected him that little bit more due to this vulnerability, so understandably this put me in an awkward situation. Long story short, I ended up telling him 2 months after she told me due to him telling me had suspicions it had happened, he thanked me and told me he realised it was difficult but for me my loyalty was with Lee because I'd known him for so long and he was my best friend above anyone else. During this time we'd become really close (platonically) and we'd always be at each others houses, we knew everything about each other and trusted each other but sometimes I'd notice we'd look into each others eyes for a long period of time and he'd smile at me while doing it. In the end, his girlfriend ended up finding out I'd told him and we all ended up falling out for a long amount of time, which particularly crushed me.

    By now our parents had fallen out from what had happened with us, as things escalated and there was a whole bunch of fights and trouble that came from it that lasted for much of year 10. They eneded up finishing by the end of year 10 after they kept cheating on each other and things were just not good between them, so I extended my hand of forgiveness out to Lee for things that happened and we became friends again. By now he had already gotten with another girl right after this and as a result of this new relationship we fell out again for the rest of year 11 throughout leaving school- by now, I'd started getting deeper feelings for him as in I wanted to do things with him and looked at him in a lustful way and sometimes got the vibe he sort of felt the same when we were friends, as I mentioned the long stares and types of things he'd say. To cut it as short as I can, in 2013 we ended up getting back in contact, after I was told by his ex he was asking about me and wanted to know if I was ok, so I decided to go round to his house unknowing what to do if his parents answered the door knowing the bad blood that was there... His dad answered and was to my surprise, friendly to me and called Lee down. I'd missed him so much by this point that the minute I saw him coming down the stairs my heart melted and I felt happy that his first thing to do was extend his hand to shake mine and apologised to me. He told me he had another girlfriend after troubles with other girls (to do with him cheating, them doing the same etc) but that things weren't going to well but that he was happy to see me and hoped we could be friends again which I really wanted due to the amount of things in life we've been through together, things we know about each other and our tightness in general I'd never had a best friend like him before and he would tell me the same.

    We fall out in early 2014 which resulted in me blocking him from facebook and his phone number, but my friends and other people I wasn't friends with anymore were contacting me telling me Lee wanted to talk to me and wanted my phone number, I end up talking to him and we become friends again, only this time things felt... different. The way he looked at me, the things he'd do and say just gave me strong hints he might be 'interested' in some capacity. By this time he is single and very surprsingly said he wished to stay single and not get straight into another relationship which he didn't, but around this time the topics of converstion on his part are around gay people being great people, they shouldn't be stigmatized and he thinks gay marriage should be legal. He'd say he doesn't like how guys have kids then grow up to be gay and the kids don't want anything to do with them because of it and said he'd never do that to his own or want his kids to do that if he was etc. Then the conversation would go to him saying 'there's nothing wrong with liking a bit of willy' and 'I really wanna try sucking' things I'd never heard him say to a guy before or even made reference to, but he insisted he'd only ever want to with someone he trusted and a guy he respected (sort of putting the feelings out). We would often talk about how close we were as friends, how much we'd gone through and how much we can talk to each other about anything knowing we weren't going to blab to others. Fast forwarding, after a couple months of flirting with each other and suggestive chats, we have our first sexual experience after he overcame his nervousness (at this point I was very sexually open to it with him and was very curious), we ended up loving it and it was very relaxed which shocked him, as we would be putting each other at ease by cracking jokes and just being ourselves. With a big smile on his face after we finished, he looked at me and said 'till next time' and from then on we began being intimate with each other.

    In November 2014 we were experimenting still, but he was also seeing a girl whom he got pregnant. He would always bad mouth me to her and call her depressing, sad and clingy and she ended up getting an abortion after he more or less made her, to top it off he would show me pictures she would send him which we were pretty pervocative. I would tell him he was wrong and he needs to support her but he wasn't interested, although our friendship was still very much friends with benefits and was all good (by this time I realise I'm bisexual, as I've already had sexual relations with women and enjoyed it and Lee was my first guy which I enjoyed and carried on with). In December 2014 we argue, he blocks me and goes out on Xmas Eve and meets a girl he gets in a relationship with who was his ex's friend (one of his ex's at least) and we end up falling out because of him getting with her after he told me he wanted to carry on how he was with me- they only lasted 2 weeks, and from that time they were together although we never did anything sexually we had planned a one night thing where we had full intercourse and then carry on as friends as we'd agreed. By 2015 January, we're really close, we'd cuddle, kiss, hold hands whilst we straddled each other an told each other we loved each other, he'd text me every morning and every night and all through the day whilst we were at college/work. On his birthday I bought him a crate of beer and put £20 in his card, he was really appreciative and spent the day at my house before he went out with workmates with later on. Our agreement was we was never in a relationship but if we were to be sexual with others or get into relationships we had to let each other know and be straight up with each other- on this night out I ended up getting a strange feeling he was with a girl he'd been playing games with at work he'd told me about and when I confronted him about it over text he admitted he had been with her, I get mad for a while for the principle of his birthday and our agreement we had but he apologised and said he didn't think at the time and didn't mean to hurt me. At this point we'd been extremely sexual with each other, doing everything a part from intercourse with each other which we planned to do on a trip we organised (as we didn't feel comfortable doing that in our houses whilst our parents were in, we are both 21) and the energy and sparks between us are really strong, we'd hold hands and lie on top of each other naked, I'd stroke his face and hair, bite his ear lobes and neck and we'd just be comfortable with each other, he would say he loves how comfortable he is with me to trust me to do this with and he loves me. One time I did say to him 'I'd really take care of you Lee, I love you' to which he replied 'I know, I love you too' but after I brought up the discussion of us officially seeing each other or being together, he said he didn't see me in that way and we were too good friends as well as not wanting to put a label on anything we did, realistically we realised from what we both want in the long term out life it wouldn't work out and still promised to always be friends after our sexual encounters end and we could always do it again 'when' he's single again (he would never say IF he's single, it was WHEN which I found odd wording). I would talk to him about by the time I'm 35 I'd like to have a wife and kids, with whom I have kids with one woman and only marry 1 woman and he would immediately mirror this, saying he wanted exactly the same despite his track record.

    By the time of June 2015 we are inseperable, we would go out for long drives, long late night walks or chills in my house holding hands, cudding and snuggling up to each other and talking about everything from our thoughts and feelings. One night he comes round and as usual we do stuff and we used to hold on to each other when we were about to climax or grab hold of each others thigs or hands and clasp them together tight whilst looking into each others eyes, we did this and just before he goes he says we'll book the trip another time (he came round a few days before ready to book it but I'd been paid late from work so couldn't book) and he hugged me at the door whilst our hands cupped each others bum and told me he'd text or ring me from his holiday (he was about to go away with his cousin and friends on a guys holiday). That's the last I heard of him. I thought at first he might need space to get his round things and the passionate way we'd been, especially being each others first guy and going from best friend to best friend with intense benefits in just a few years, but after time went on and he came back from holiday he blocked me out of everything. I decide to go to his house where his mum and brother tell me has a girlfriend and has moved in with her, instead of blowing my top and telling them everything, I play it cool and they tell me he'd been with her a few months and isn't home. So I go home crushed, crying my eyes out and try to find out who she is so I could talk to her, I end up finding out her identity and we get in contact and have a friendly conversation for hours on the phone where she tells me she thought he was cheating once when he said he was going to the vets with his cousins dog, she only believed him when she saw the vets leaflet but he failed to tell her it wasn't his cousins dog but my dog he came with me to have checked out, my dog died a week after this and he was there with me. So after telling her about us both she said things made sense to her as she had suspicions he might have been gay/bi but always gave a front about it. So that was that. I then try and go back round to his house for answers when I was greeted by his mum telling me I wasn't welcome there any more and to pretty much 'fuck off'. I was understandbly annoyed and angry and upset and thus did say some things that weren't the nicest in the direction of Lee after all this came out, after all if he'd have realised our agreement and fulfilled it everything would have been fine, it was the betrayal and sly nature of it that crushed me as I really did cherish his friendship and the bond we had.

    I'd like to point out midway through our sexual intimacy I would ask if Lee considered himself still straight, he said he did and that he wasn't bi/gay because he considers this experimenting and being curious and that he'd only be like that with me, I'd explain I could only be with Lee in that way with a guy but I still enjoy it and am turned on by what we do and I wish to persue another man sexually so I can't be straight any more. He would always go quiet when I'd say things like that, like he was hiding something? One of his ex's also told me she thought he was at least bi sexual and this was when we was still in high school, and I definitely noticed how deeper our connection went once we was being intimate and romantic with each other.

    I've now found out the girl he made have an abortion is the one he is now with and they are expecting a baby. How could he go back to a girl he shown pictures of and berated and called every name under the sun? Is it a cover in a last resort attempt since no one else was left?

    I'd just like to know people's thoughts. Why did he leave me his 18 year long best friend who respected and loved him regardless of what he wanted? If he would have said 'hey I think I wanna start settling down or trying things with this girl is it cool if we put this on the backburner but remain friends?' he knows I'd have loved that and encouraged it because our friendship always meant more to me than anything although I loved the exciting nature of our sexual activities. Any opinions and advise is welcome and again, thanks for your patience due to the lengthy long post, I have also left some things out like how deep our conversations were, the things he'd say to me and I'd say to him because I wanted to keep it short and readable as possible but we were extremely close and there wasn't one thing we didn't know about each other, I'm just crushed he would leave me with no answers and go against everything he said he wouldn't do to me a best friend of 18 years.

    ---------- Post added 9th Nov 2016 at 07:22 AM ----------

    This is the thread I wish to have the discussion on, hopefully the other thread will be removed as it is a duplicate.
     
  2. Poppy43

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    You must be really hurt, thats awful but hes made his choice and theres not a lot you can do really.Have you got some other friends who know what went on who can be supportive?
    People do tend to say all sorts but I've come to the conclusion that actions speak louder than words in life. This guy although hes messed about with you wasnt prepared to give you anything really. If he was reallly in love with you I doubt he'd act like he has done. Above all elce hes been pretty unkind and shitty really.
    I'd not contact him or his family again and try your hardest to concentrate on other things. The upset will pass in time. Dont let him string you along again in the future. theres other people who will offer you more than him.
     
  3. JonSomebody

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    I don't need to add my response because I agree totally with everything you have mentioned in your post Poppy43 to the fullest. :eusa_clap:eusa_clap:eusa_clap:thumbsup::thumbsup:
     
  4. biguy94

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    Yes it did/does hurt, but don't you think he could be masking his feelings and suppressing them? I just don't think after 18 years of closeness and then almost a year of being sexual that that's it and he didn't think or feel anything at all because that would be just sociopathic, which I know he is not. He's a very introverted person and likes to rather be accepted by a crowd of people than unaccepted which means he has had a habit of doing and saying things to appease people whilst on the other hand he is thinking and feeling entirely different. I haven't made contact with him since January this year and don't wish to get back in touch, all I'd like is some clarity on the situation.
     
  5. Lora

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    First of all, doing a disclosure with his girlfriend without him and his permission is a BIG let down. I'm sorry, but he trusted you with this part of him. What on earth are you thinking? That her girlfriend and he would break up and he would run away with you? I think he's very much hurt because you broke that trust. He was basically trying to work out his sexuality in a sense that he wanted women and what he particularly felt for you. From your story, I believe that his feelings for you are very strong. He trusted you more than he trusted anyone else even this woman she's with. He may have felt so lucky to have a best friend and a great lover (even if he's not telling you). Unfortunately, you let him down. For now, give him the favour to let go. Give yourself the favour of letting him go. Learn from this experience. Move on. What's done is done. If you're friendship is meant to revive again, only time can tell. Good luck.
     
  6. Poppy43

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    Hi, Really he is the only person who knows how he feels,no one can elce can really say. Sometimes we dont get the answers we want or need and you can drive yourself mad,going round in circles wondering about things.Just learning to accept it is what it is may be the best that your going to get .
    One thing that stuck out for me is that if I loved someone I wouldnt be getting my family to tell them to Fuck off. Thats very final and also really horrible.
     
  7. biguy94

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    Err, you what? Excuse me yeah you're damn right I did, I TRUSTED HIM WITH THIS TOO!!!??? Clearly you didn't read the post at all, you'd have known what our long term agreement was and that was not to be in a relationship and live happily ever after after all because we both knew what we wanted out of life in the long run. HE broke the trust, HE betrayed me, what are you actually for real? Can't believe what I've just read you know, 'how dare I who do I think I am disclosing things' like the guy didn't just hang me out to dry and I was meant to be sweet about it? Sorry, with all due respect but what planet are you from? You don't think his girlfriend had a right to know he was screwing both a guy and girl at the same time and being secretive? I think their might be something wrong with, again with all due respect but wow really? I didn't let anybody down thank you very much, maybe read the post next time :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 9th Nov 2016 at 09:46 PM ----------

    Thank you very much, I appreciate that you understand the context of this story. Thank you.
     
  8. Lora

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    Hey, don't take it at heart. You're here in EC, and if my opinion seems to be blunt to you, it is still a legitimate statement.

    My point is, it's NOT your call to tell the girlfriend about it. It is HIS CALL since you know from the start that he's into women. He has feelings for this girlfriend. He has feelings for you. He is trying to figure out everything and he is entitled to it. If there was anyone else in this situation to talk to, to confront, it's him. Nobody but him. I understand the agreement but people change. He is probably too scared now. Nevertheless, this doesn't mean that he has forgotten you. It's just that perhaps, he wants to do different things now.
     
  9. JonSomebody

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    Poppy43...I am your biggest fan today with all of this good advice you are giving on this post today...:eusa_clap:eusa_clap:eusa_clap:eusa_clap:eusa_clap:eusa_clap:eusa_clap
     
  10. biguy94

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    LMAO! You actually sound like you're making him the victim in all this. So let me get this straight, if you had a boyfriend who was secretly sleeping with another man and this other man told you, you'd be like oh my god no you're so mean! Leave him alone! Believe me, I haven't took anything to heart what you said as you clearly don't understand my situation or what he actually did... Baffling. No need to remind me where I am either and what my platform is here, we CLEARLY have different stances on things as as you say it is not my right to tell anyone, I say it is exactly my right and we can go back and forth all day without changing anything. What I will not accept is your impression I'm getting that I'm somehow the big bad wolf and this guy is oh so innocent and victim like. Please, I didn't join to get told how awful I am in dealing with a situation that I've never been in before bearing in mind this also MY first time too, not just his. I can handle opinions just as you'll have to handle mine but don't come at me funny and try and imply I'm the bad guy and I don't have a right to do x, y and z because I have the right to do as I please when someone has BETRAYED me, a friend of 18 years and has affected my life by leaving with no answers (no argument had even happened or war of words, one day he was snuggling me in bed the next he left even though he said he always wanted to be friends).

    I do appreciate you're input, but I don't feel your advice can help or relate to me at all as we are 2 very different people with very different stances on things.

    ---------- Post added 10th Nov 2016 at 01:46 AM ----------

    P.S You're opinion is not a legitimate statement, it's just an opinion you offered. There is no correct and incorrect way of dealing with a situation when every individual is different.

    ---------- Post added 10th Nov 2016 at 01:59 AM ----------

    Another quick response, I tried everything in my power to contact him. At first I gave him some weeks to sort his head out, then after that what am I meant to do? Wait around? Ponder and wonder? His girlfriend at the time was happy I told her and I mean what else am I meant to do? He was cheating on her as well with me do you think that's fine? You can't just do that to someone and expect the other person to be ok (at least that's how I was brought up anyway). I think this thread has been misinterpreted and obviously in some peoples eyes my friend is the big victim in this and I was expected to do this the 'PC way' and treat him with butterflies and pat him on the back and tell him it's ok for not being honest with me. (After everything we went through and the nature of our conversations he knew loyalty and respect and honesty is what I expected, that is not my fault for having standards and expectations that he told me he would live up to as a friend and as a sexual partner).
     
  11. Jacob D

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    Hibiguy94. I think you have a right to question what happened or why you lost a friend. 18 years is a long time. I hope one day you get the answers you need,
     
  12. biguy94

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    Thank you for your compassion, Jacob D. I do think should he ever try and attempt contact that it will be some time from now, possibly 10 or 20 years but by then I will have already moved on with my life and it probably won't matter as much but as it still stands I would like answers but realistically, it's not going to happen or at least any time soon.
     
  13. Jacob D

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    Hi biguy94. You are welcome and I hope Lee contacts you a lot sooner instead of 10 or 20 years from now. Losing a long time friend of 18 years can't be easy.
     
  14. biguy94

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    I would like to think he would too, but with the type of person I know he is I even think it's doubtful I'll hear from him even 1 or 2 decades from now or even at all. He hates talking about his feelings and prefers to push things under the rug, but he always would open up to me and trust me with things over the years as we've had similar experiences in life to do with hardships and personal issues we've gone through and we supported each other throughout it all and I think deep down he knew things were getting too much for him however I just don't understand why on this occassion he felt he couldn't and just ran from the situation. Towards the end we was very into each other and did sensual things with each other, especially when he would hold my hand/bare thigh when we were about to climax and hold each other tight looking into each others eyes biting our lip and he may have got scared with how real things seem to be getting, but I want to make it clear again he would always talk about relationships with women with me as we both wish to settle with a woman and eventually build a stable family with one and I always encouraged it, told him that if he was patient the right woman would come along and be everything he wants and more and that he shouldn't rush and force things with them as he always usually does which leads to their downfall... He loved our deep conversations and trusting friendship above all else and so did I so if the case was he wanted to settle with this girlfriend and make a go of things all he needed to do was inform me and things would have been so cool, everything would have remained between us and our friendship would be even tighter without the sexual stuff because of how deep our connection was as a result of it, we'd say each other are going to be the others god parent to their child and our friendship will always be paramount so it really is not as though he couldn't talk to me and regardless of him feeling not able to do so, just leaving and moving on without any answers for me a best friend and brother almost of 18 years is no excuse for what he's done to me.
     
  15. Jacob D

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    Maybe you're right that he got scared. Only he knows for sure. But still he owed you some kind of closure.
     
  16. biguy94

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    I appreciate that, thank you.
     
  17. Guff

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    I just read that novel sized post, LOL And I really enjoyed it. Don't be weirded out but this stranger found your story to be a good read... Until it ended... I let out a tear... I'm SO SORRY he did that to you... It sounds like he's confused with his sexuality and you're the 1 paying the price.
    Obviously I don't know your situations but I personally believe he "experimented" and now he feels ashamed of his experimentation and wants to "block you out". But I obviously don't know anything about the situation


    But I do know, I feel so bad for you. Please keep posting if anything else changes between you two
     
  18. biguy94

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    Guff, I'm glad and feel heartened you enjoyed the read and it's unfortunate end... I think this too, although of course I'll never be sure unless it came from him but I have paid the price and lost a best friend in the process. It has been over 18 months now (last time he was at my house was June 2015, I even remember the night haha) so like I say I don't think he'll be back in touch this time or for a long, long time. I also have a feeling that he's blocking everything out to do with us because it's too uncomfortable for him but I just wish he'd have said something and been able to keep a friend in the process, unless he didn't feel like he could stay friends with me even though all throughout our 10 month sexual relationship he always said we would once we stopped... Thank you for your post and I'm glad you was able to get something from it, I'm only sorry it wasn't a happy ending!