I really have no idea who I am anymore. I know I'm physically attracted to guys and not really girls that much, with girls it is more aesthetic. However the idea of being in a relationship with a guy has always made me feel uncomfortable, and I think it always will. I would rather be with a girl, a relationship with them feels right for me. All this confusion just makes me not want to have a relationship with anyone though I honestly wouldn't mind being celibate. I think the lack of comfort is mostly internalised homophobia, but I don't think it is just that. The idea of being in a relationship with a guy generally doesn't feel right for me.
I'm kind of in the same shoes, except I want to die every day. I feel I've lost a part of me which should always have been there (being straight). I'm not saying I have problems with gays, merely saying that I personally don't want to be gay. And because this is biological and technology isn't that advanced yet, I can't do anything to change myself to straight Good thing I am prescribed sleeping pills, the overdose of which is going to be a subtle yet quick death (respiratory depression). My biggest problem is however deciding on which day to overdose. All I want is to be reborn (I believe in buddhism and am not schizophrenic... reincarnation you know) into a straight guy, that's all I want. That's the only damn thing I want yet I can't have it. Why did I have to be born gay? Sorry everyone, not trolling, not trying to make any of you feel bad, I'm just having difficulties and wanting to vent
Please don’t overdose. You’re here, in this very supportive online community. You’re surrounded by many people going through the same thing. Don’t let yourself be so upset by the idea that you can’t comform to everyone else’s idea of “normal” that you would risk missing out on a potentially amazing life. I know all of us will face discrimination, and I don’t know your situation personally, but at the very least you have access to this community. There is so much worth living for, and wanting to die because you feel bad about who you could potentially love is sad. Love is love is love
Suicide will not help you progress. Even if you believe in reincarnation, clearly you would still like the same people (aside from life experience) as before or it would not be you. Practicing Buddhists should never consider being gay a curse because not only does the religion have no fundamental disagreement with it but the entire principle is about making peace with your desires.
Are you saying that if I die as a peaceful, good man, my last wishes upon my death won't be realized in the new body? (for example be born straight)
Buddhist reincarnation does not reward suicide, nor does it change who you are to be fundamentally different.
I can relate as I felt the same way for a long time. I tried dating a guy in my early 20s, but the internalized homophobia and the rigid gender norms I was brought up with made the experience uncomfortable for me and it ended up not going anywhere. I think another major factor was that I was also worried about how other people would see me if they saw me with a guy. I worried too much about what other people would think and that upped the anxiety I felt. I'm 29 now and and have tried dating again. I found that it was easier and I felt less awkward about it. The only reason it didn't go anywhere the second time was because I didn't feel a connection with the guy I was with. I don't know if this helps you in your situation, but that has been my experience with getting used to the idea of dating other guys. I had to confront my own internalized homophobia and remind myself not to worry about what other people are going to think. And the funny thing was that people didn't pay any attention to us at all, so there was nothing to really worry about. Also I think its important to just do it. Go on a date with a guy you fancy and just see how it goes. You'd be surprised, but it actually gets easier the more you do it.
