One of the most painful feelings on earth is to feel that you are less than others , I feel this all the time, being gay kills me everyday thousand times , recently I have moved to a conservative country to work and I had to hide myself in the closet after I was openly gay to many except family , I can not be out here and if I did I will be isolated alone in my room where no one will phone me , visit me or ask me to hang out, I will be humiliated at my workplace, among my friends(if I have any) and everywhere I go, I didn’t accept that I am gay, I am not happy about it or even satisfied, but what can do ?The answer is nothing, Is not hurtful when the closet people ask me when are you getting married? Is not upsetting when your mom looks at you and says, don’t you have any girlfriend? Are not you failing in love? Is not painful when you see everyone around you is having a partner, engaged or getting married , sometimes I feel that I will be left outside alone when all my friends get married , I am scared from this day as am scared to die from jealousy from straight people , I just became 30 years and I realized that whatever, career , money and life stability does not buy happiness or make you secure about life and the fear to end up alone is chasing me. I wish to buy dinner in my way home to my partner or wife, to take her to the movies, trip , clubbing or stay home with her,, I wish to have kids or to see how they look like ? are my brothers and friends better than I ? I wish a straight people hug in front of my friends, I wish to post a picture with my partner on facebook , I wish to be partnered with a lovely girl , I wish to share my love with someone, but I feel that I have no future or I don’t even know why I am alive. What is the purpose of life? Living single? Alone? I swear by God , the one who made me gay and he wants to punish me on that that I lost my interest and career `s goals in life and I became a sick person who feel himself dissatisfied , unhappy , yes thank you God , whoever you are , you made me a third class citizen , who cannot get married, cant love, cant have a family or kids, no sex , partnership , relationship , shitship , discriminated for something that I haven’t done, bullied and on top of that I love a straight guy who is my best friend here, why did you put that love in my heart ? Why I love him? If I stop meeting him , I will have no friends and if I continued hanging out with him I will be surfing from a hopeless love How to deal with my life ? I lost my interest in everything, the most important thing to me is alcohol and weed P.S , maybe I lost my interest in dating guys as well, I am still attracted to them but I don’t think that this what I want to do? :dry:
You're not less than others for being different. All you can do is find the strength to love yourself, because you're surely worth it. There is nothing harder than finding the value in one's own life, but it is not about having a relationship. You need to be fulfilled by more than what somebody else can give you, I say search long and deep for things that you love, and do them. Try things you've always wanted to try, such as art, cooking certain things, music, martial arts, etc. You can't change who you are, or when a relationship will come into your life. All you can do is make the most of the time you have, and I sincerely believe you can find a passion for life.
If I were trapped like that, I'd quit my job, move to a more accepting state so I wouldn't have to hide my identity, make new friends so I wouldn't have to deal with an unrequited love, get a counselor, and tell everybody. The way I see it, you're isolating yourself anyway, so those friends/family members who will accept you may be able to show you you CAN be loved unconditionally. Plus, I would take up a fun hobby, allow myself time to heal, find out more about myself, and if completely open now, possibly even date casually and I'd get in touch spiritually. Perhaps by exploring religious/spiritual buildings/services. Make a new HONEST beginning in your life. I know its hard, but its what needs to be done. I can only give advice because I understand your pain, but love yourself, and ALLOW God to love YOU. *gets off soapbox*
Sadsam, You are NOT alone in this world. I just turned 25 and feel the same way you do. I try to turn to god (whose name I don't bother to capitalize anymore) for answers but, it is NOT our choice to be the way we are, it is the way our brains are wired. If there is a god, he is awfully cruel. -Andrew
Don't worry you aren't alone, a feel almost all the time god made me who i was as a cruel punishment and nothing good can come of it (I still feel that way nowadays in all honesty)
I too also feel that way sometimes. I don't believe in the same god as most do. But I do think we can make our own happiness. And keeping booze and weed to a minimum is a good idea. As it only makes our problems more intense when it wears off. Plus we get lazy and screw up our few opportunities when we are high. So best to use weed and drinking only when everything else we need to do is done. Our luck can change for the better when we are sober. But we have to try and change things ourselves. no god is going to do it for us even if he does exist.
I think your story resonates with most of us. I, too, live in a conservative african country. It's hard but as others have pointed out, it may be best to move to a more liberal country, get counselling and i'm sure with time you will learn to love yourself. Trust me you WILL meet someone and you will experience what unconditional love is. Hang in there!
