How many people view their sexual orientation as simply being a matter of being attracted to people of the same sex vs. something deeper that impacts their personality? When I first came out, I was still fairly uncomfortable with being gay and would have said it was just a matter of sexual attraction, nothing more. I was otherwise indistinguishable from a straight man. As I have grown more comfortable with being gay, I increasingly am open to viewing it in a broader way. Perhaps I tend toward being more sensitive and gentle than the average guy as a result of being gay?
The older I get and the longer I’m out. The more I agree with exactly what you posted here. The way I dress hasn’t changed at all but I don’t have the anger from the pent up regression and it’s made me a much gentler more caring person toward others. I have a compassion that I didn’t know existed.
I think it can be both. For a long time I identified as being gay as part of my sexual orientation. Now that I am out, being gay has become part of my identity too. For me, these two terms go hand in hand.
I think this argument is why the term MSM was put forth. When men who had sex with men sought services through public health channels, some did not identify as gay but definitely were having sex with men. I don't think the options had both gay or MSM. So, even if gay, a person could only check the MSM box. To some, gay might mean a lifestyle or being in the scene. To others, it might mean MSM and no more. Some people are so into the scene that it becomes part of their identities while some have not changed at all by what is technically a homosexual orientation. Almost everything about them remains unchanged, be it mannerisms, opinions, grooming, interests.
Some people will tell you that they don't wish to be defined by their sexuality, and that's absolutely fine, but speaking for myself, I am defined by my sexuality and that's a fact I cannot escape. My sexuality does influence how I relate to other people and how I view the world. It influences my politics, social and moral compass and I'm really quite relaxed about all of that. If I sit and think about it, my sexuality influences many other things too, so for me, it does go beyond orientation and it always has.
For me, it doesn't define me completely, but it is still an important part of me. I'm a gamer, I'm bisexual and I'm a student, among other things. No single part of me defines who I am as a whole, but the sum of these parts are me. Therefore, being bisexual isn't the only thing that I am, but it is an important part of me. And not only the fact that I like men and women, but also the other details that are attached to this label: The history with my struggles when I came out, the fact that I was easily accepted by some people and had a few issues with other people, the fact that I enjoy talking about orientation and sexuality and trying to help others who are struggling as I did in the past, all of this is part of me. Our history is part of who we are. So, your label isn't an isolated thing in the present, but the details, struggles and everything else related to it are part of your history. And that single thing doesn't define who you are as a whole, but it is part of the puzzle.
Well, that's the thing: coming out as gay is saying you aren't what others thought you were or wanted you to be. Men and women having same-sex relations is nothing new, but rainbow flags, parades, specific literature, programming, music, organizations, etc. are. Some people couldn't hide traits tied to their sexuality if they tried, but being out and proud gives them the chance to do so as a choice. I mean, how can it not be a major part of who we are? I've never fit in with the "guys", so maybe that's why I care less. When it comes to traits like sensitive, more of a chicken or egg scenario. I do think minority members do (or should) have more empathy for others less privileged. There are probably millions who have same-sex attractions or experience that will never be involved in "the community" or describe themselves that way. Its unfortunate, but also their right not to.
I think that being gay has given me a perspective that I otherwise wouldn't have. Granted, it doesn't fully define me, but it still has an impact. As @Chiroptera mentioned, being LGBT is just part of a big puzzle that makes up who we are. Personally, it's something that affects my friendships and the expectations that are placed on me. I've also experienced homophobic bullying, and lost friends after coming out in the past. Those experiences, whilst unpleasant, have shaped how I interact and how I feel about certain things. My friendships with people in the LGBT community are a bit different from the ones I have with my cisgender straight friends. Although, even with my straight friends things tend to change after I come out. If I were a character, and my life was a story, let's say the writer decided to rewrite it so that I were straight. That would mean deleting certain scenes, getting rid of particular revelations, taking out the parts where I worry about coming out and how previous experiences leave me nervous at times when doing so. It wouldn't just affect me either, my dynamic with a friend of mine, a gay man, would be different. We sometimes use gay slang, make jokes and talk about our coming out experiences together. Of course that's not all we talk about, but it comes up enough for a rewrite to be noticeable. Changing the picture on a single puzzle piece doesn't alter the rest of the puzzle, but it does make enough of a difference for it to be noticeable when viewed as a whole. If the writer decided to make me have brown hair instead of blonde, then that would mean removing all the dumb blonde jokes I've dealt with growing up. Or made me right handed instead of left handed, etc. I'd still be me, in a way, but noticeably different.
Openly gay people can be pretty insensitive. That's why we have a lot of this hostility occurring between "scene queens" and guys who identify as "straight acting". Certain people in the gay community can't seem to respect other gay people's desire to be either more public or more private about their sexual orientation. That's what I think anyway.
