being a masculine "straight acting " gay guy is lonley

I think there are a couple ways to come at this.

First of all, it sounds like you're holding on to a lot of ideas about what it means to be masculine from what amounts to, if I can use such a phrase, "straight culture." Many gay men have been hurt by this culture, and are rebelling against it, challenging all the gender norms they can. Some of those guys in heels might just have happened to do really well in metalworking in high school, or be surprisingly handy at changing the oil in their own cars. Does that not qualify, because they don't look the part?

Secondly, you want to meet another masculine guy. There's nothing wrong with that at all. But - and here's the key - does that mean that guys you're meeting at bars or clubs (or anywhere else) aren't worth your time because you don't want to sleep with them? They may not be the type of guy you go for - but maybe they know someone who is. Getting to know people and making friends is going to be a much more efficient way to meet people than looking for someone to sleep with from the start. And getting to know some of these people, even if you don't date or sleep with them, might help you feel more comfortable out and about, which, again, will make it easier to meet more people to begin with.

Finally - again, you want to meet other masculine guys, and that's totally fine. So, if you're not finding them at the bars or clubs you're going to, then it bears asking - what do more traditionally masculine gay guys do? Where do they go? Try looking for gay sports leagues in the area. Or maybe there's a gay hiking group in the area, or close enough that you'd be willing to drive to meet up with them once or twice a month. The "gay community" - if there is such a thing - is a lot more diverse than you may be giving it credit for. Get creative with your google searches...you never know what might turn up.

 

Holy crap what is with the admins and Pinguin Machine the last couple days? I've only been here a couple weeks but it seems the last couple days you guys have been coming around (maybe just hitting more threads I'm interested in) and posting with all you valid points and making logical since.

Anyway I get both sides of what was said. I get what the OP is saying. OMG the last 2 weeks I have been crushing on this straight dude at work. To me dude is gorgeous with his 'right amount of stubble' and typically wears a t-shirt, jeans, and a wool beenie (cold at work). Just that that is my type.

But I also get what Gravity is saying. I am the 'masculine type' I'm still in the closet but have been wanting to come out. I can definitely see myself buying some rainbow shoelaces for my boots (I work in poultry plant and no jewelry is allowed no matter the material except a plain wedding band) and if it starts there where will it end up? Would it mean I suddenly didn't like football or I'd forget how to fix my atv

---------- Post added 28th Sep 2013 at 05:34 AM ----------

probably not. Is this something I really thought about before reading Gravity's post? No. Thanx Gravity you actually made me see a side of things I didn't consider before.

I guess that's why you guys keep posting with all you valid points and making logical since.

---------- Post added 28th Sep 2013 at 05:35 AM ----------

Holy crap what is with the admins and Pinguin Machine the last couple days? I've only been here a couple weeks but it seems the last couple days you guys have been coming around (maybe just hitting more threads I'm interested in) and posting with all you valid points and making logical since.

Anyway I get both sides of what was said. I get what the OP is saying. OMG the last 2 weeks I have been crushing on this straight dude at work. To me dude is gorgeous with his 'right amount of stubble' and typically wears a t-shirt, jeans, and a wool beenie (cold at work). Just that that is my type.

But I also get what Gravity is saying. I am the 'masculine type' I'm still in the closet but have been wanting to come out. I can definitely see myself buying some rainbow shoelaces for my boots (I work in poultry plant and no jewelry is allowed no matter the material except a plain wedding band) and if it starts there where will it end up? Would it mean I suddenly didn't like football or I'd forget how to fix my atv

 

I am also very straight acting and definitely have run into this confusion. You go to a bar and people assume your a straight dude lost or hanging out with a gay friend.

As long as the dudes I am with smell right, taste right, feel right, and are not ashamed by how horrible I would look in drag, I am pretty open minded...

 

Hi. I'm going to lend some support to what you're saying. Being gay or bi, to me, is more of a mechanical thing and, who knows, possibly an emotional thing. I think what you're saying is that the orientation part doesn't bother you, but the adoption of a lifestyle, with traits and stereotypes, does. The best friends I've had have been straight guys who don't beat their chests and gay/bi guys who are real laid-back and rarely partake in things, meaning, like me, they are not "joiners." If I get together with the latter group, we talk about sex and things related to sex or attraction for 20% of the time, and everything else under the sun 80% of the time. The thing is that the group you are seeking exists. They are burrowing, it seems. You won't see them at events and clubs. And if you meet them, trust me, you will become fast friends because of the "birds of a feather" thing. I sort of know where you're coming from. Sometimes, you have enough exposure to someone where you can put enough variables together and make an informed guess. In grad school, I had 5 different guys hit on me over the course of that event. One was married, three got married, and one has not married. I didn't take any of them up on the hints, but now wish I would had. God only knows how much of a stress outlet that could have been, not to mention fun. I am kind of conventional and traditional, and people expect to me to have this full slate of common interests, including sports, and I don't deliver on that one. I'm also more into intellectual talk, which throws me into the nerdish area. However, how I dress, talk, walk, and conduct myself doesn't call attention one way or the other. Your wanting to seek out "birds of a feather" is only normal. It can be frustrating.

 

I honestly don't even know where to start here. I guess I'll just jump in and hope I hit every point I need to.

First off, lay off with the "normal" talk. Seriously. Because that implies effeminate gay guys are "abnormal". That there's something wrong with them. And there isn't. You tossed in "I'm not antifem" on your first post, but pretty much everything else you posted there suggests you are.

Your posts don't even suggest "I'm having trouble finding gay guys I can relate to". They suggest "these girly men keep taking over all the gay events, and keep scaring all the 'normal' gay guys away". And even if that IS the case, you know what? Too fucking bad. Because the effeminate gay guys and drag queens and "abnoxious" ones have decided that they're not going to let straight guys, or even curmudgeonly "normal" gay guys tell them they have to tone it down because it makes them uncomfortable. If they want to ramp it up, and call each other "girl", and put on a dress and high heels, why the hell shouldn't they be allowed to? If the masculine-acting guys find that uncomfortable, that's THEIR problem.

To tackle your actual problem - where to meet more masculine gay guys - you might need to do more work. It may mean looking online for gay social groups. It may mean placing an ad looking for "friends and maybe more". It'll depend on your area, the depth of the gay scene there, and how flexible you might be in terms of what you'd be willing to do.

Lex

 

I concur with your statement. That pretty much describes me, deep voice, etc.
And as such, I am attracted to very masculine men. I mean "bears". It sounded like the original poster frequented those bars with drag shows and queens. There are other types of bars and places that cater to other cliques.
While I'm not begrudging drag shows and such. That never was my scene.

 

Then why even post if you are not seeking differences of opinions?

Even the most accepting of individuals come into the LGBTQ community with at least some level of jade and uncertainty about certain groups and types of individuals that fall in the community. You shouldn't feel as though you are being attacked because of the predisposed mindsets that have been instilled in you, like many, in our society; however, it is still important to recognize them and garner realistic ideals of others through actual experience and experimentation.

 

I skimmed through most of the comments.

I think your initial post, just-wondering, you went off on a tangent. You have a problem and wasn't very diplomatic about conveying your thoughts. I understand it's frustrating. I'm not of the preference for effeminate males either. I haven't been out to a gay club or bar and I hesitate for this reason. I think Lex gave you some solid advice and you can't be upset with how he presented it to you because you legitimately offended some people.

Being a straighter-acting male interested in other males myself, I've come to terms with it's not going to be as easy for me to find what I like, but I have talked to some guys, namely from this forum. You'll find what you're looking for, you just won't get the options that most kinds of gay men do.

 

They're not my cup of tea. I prefer coffeehouses. On a couple of occasions, they turned out to work just like a bar, with one being particularly funny and unexpected.

As for bars, I can think of a few different types: bear, leather, muscle, stand and model, preppy, dance oriented, and regular guy. Six of those seven are immediately no-gos for me, if someone were to give me the rundown of bars and their clientele, and this would have also been applicable in my 20s. You could zero in on the regular guy bar. Also, the OP should keep in mind is that who he may be looking for may not frequent bars. Every major city seems to have 1 or 2 coffeehouses with somewhat of a GLBT following. That's another option.

 

Well here's the thing when it comes to normal, masculine, gay dudes.


You can't TELL we're gay. xD So of course you won't notice them standing out. I understand what you mean completely though. The flamers can be very annoying sometimes.

 

I insist on giving due respect to effeminate gays. I'd consider that anti-antifem, not masculine-phobic. In fact, I'm usually considered pretty masculine myself. But I never had any trouble meeting guys. Perhaps there's something there.

Whether you choose to read anything I post, or stick around, is of course your call. But I stand by my original post.

Lex

 

Ok so first off, what Lex said was not anything remotely like a "homophobe witchhunt" in my opinion. He stated some very valid points. If gay guys want to show off as effeminate then they should be allowed to and Lex did nothing wrong in simply pointing that out. He was hardly attacking you personally and at no point gave you any abuse. And to simply swear off any advice he gives you is just ignorance, plain and simple.

As for your search for a masculine gay guy, I hope you take some of the advice here and check out more cliche bars, such as mentioned above for "bears" etc. Or the coffeehouse idea does sound promising too. I'm sure there are options out there, it'll just take some more work to find I guess! Good luck.

 

Saying that fem guys deserve to be able to go out where they want and not have people try to shame them isn't anti-masculine. Just like, for example, how saying that black guys deserve to be able to go out where they want and not have people shame them isn't anti-white.