Over the past few weeks, reading some of the posts here on EC made me analyse my own behaviour when I had not accepted my sexuality. It is only now that I am beginning to even comprehend what I did. I used to be wary of someone who was stereotypically gay (possible homophobia) although I have never ever passed any homophobic remarks. Once when we were discussing our marriage plans at the work place, one of my female co-workers asked me 'who is the lucky man'? it should have opened the doors right away but instead I was angry with her and began to ignore her and ultimately cut off all contact with her. It was very unsettling. I also distanced myself from her friends. Looking back I can't understand this extreme reaction from me. I guess I am somewhat numb emotionally and I wonder if this is also a defense mechanism to the relentless bullying I experienced as an adolescent. Even now I don't feel any joy in my achievements and just feel I can't celebrate any sort of achievement. I reason that if I enjoy it will be followed by grief. I was interested what the experiences of others are regarding their behaviour when they had not yet accepted their sexuality. Do any of you remember something that you used to do to hide your sexuality? Or you may have acted in some way to conceal your same sex attraction?