been thinking

I think a trans person can feel both those things. But for me it was a fear that people would laugh and pick at me for liking to look like a boy.

I use to wish I would find out I was intersex. Just wanted a reason to explain how I felt at time. Of course I thought intersex people got to choose their sex. I'm better educated noe, but still wish I would find out i am intersex. Like maybe people would understand better if in had that as an excuse.

 

Yaeli, I was actually going to post this on your thread but decided to do it on mine.
here you go
Go down a lil bit in the comments and you find some people who did not know their whole lives.
Sometimes it is hard to find support in life, but I think the pride parade is where you should look. I know if it a scary thing, every little step.forward you take makes it all the more real instead of a fantasy in your head. And with each step forward doubts follow that come from you and others. You should go to the parade and talk to others, find an older sister who can advice you.

---------- Post added 8th Jun 2015 at 06:49 PM ----------

I had huge moments of feeling male today. I don't know why I see a male the more I look in the mirror. I mean, how many times have I looked in the mirror and saw a female, how does a hair cut and allowing myself to question my gender cause me see something different than I once did?
Yet...I am afraid to step forward, to go farther down the path. What if I follow it and end up not liking what I see....or what if I do like it? How do I fit in a male world when I've enter acted with females for some long. To be honest I get intimidated by older men and macho men. That worries me, but I think this part of transitioning as well.

 

And then my mom comes home and I want to tell her about my experience, but I freeze. She took me coming out as gender fluid very well, but I have never really actually talked about anything. She'd ask questions and I would feel this defensive barrier fall over me. My fight or flight kicks in and I run like hell.
I think a part of me is in denial still, like I can't really be trans...I mean I have to be making this up right??? A part of me isn't sure and a large part hopes that that is not the case. I like the male me. Alexander is more ms than Stacy ever was. Stacy was who I was expected to be and felt I had to be. Alexander is the fantasy in the back of my mind, the guy I wanted to be but never thought I could be. He is who I want to be...but I'm still afraid. What if we (or should I say me) is not accepted by my family. My main worry is my aunt. I look up to her and count her among my best friend. I worry that I will.lose her in all this. I do not wish to lose her respect.

 

I think I'm having hand dysphoria.
Is that even possible????

Just thinking about how small my hand is compared to my brothers' hands. I feel like I am waving a child's hand about.

 

I was never highly dysphoric as a young child. I was gender stupid back then. I didn't see a reason why a boy and a girl.couldn't think and be the same. I'm kinda still that way to an degree. And after moving in with my mom at 13 I was almost never sexually active, and the few times I were I would't say was enjoyable. It was just realising an urge. Lately the thought of having sex as a woman is repulsive. But if I think of myself as a man if seems likable. It also makes ms think that if/when I transition I could possibly be pansexual, but only romantically attracted to men.

I do not want to say that who I was in the past was not me. I believe it was, but so is the ms that I am now. I cave under people's expectations of me rather easily, I have a lifetime of learning that disappointing people is bad. At the same Tims the past me is everyone's expectations of me, so can I really claim it as me.

Just gotta keep being me. Gotta keep on wearing men's clothes and testing out the waters. Maybe I would know more if I was out in public more but I rarely go into the public.

 

You know how they show old movie reels that have holes in them while other parts are yellowed from age? So when you try to watch the film you can barely make anything out... That is basically my memory. Even highschool memories are hard to remember. The memories I remember the best are the ones where I wish I was dying.

The funny thing is is that I do not dislike being feminine compared to other guys, I actually rather like it. My hands just seem so child-like. I keep expecting my fingers to be longer and hand just a tiny big wider.

 

I don't know why I was paying attention to this this morning while getting dress but I noticed putting on a bra but I didn't exactly hate my boobs. I don't want them but I don't like them.
Then looking in the mirror I didn't feel to bad about my relationship. Of course I am wearing a unisex t and guy shorts. My boobs are still noticeable but the bra actually makes them a lil smaller. The shirt kind of gives me a box like appearance. So I felt good about my appearance. Then I turn a little and the shirt pulls on my hips and that ruins the image. Later I sit on the couch and the shirt is pulling on my hips more and I feel fat though i'm not really. The bra presses down on me and it drives me crazy. Now everything feels tight on me and I just want to pull off my shirt and pull something bagger on, take the bra off, and then go back to bed. But I have to go to my aunt's. I also can't raise my arms up to much because the sleeve will roll down and she'll see that I haven't shaved in a while. I don't want to heat an lecture today.

 

Let's add to the day shall we.
I got in the car and immediately my aunt went off about my hair. If you've ever had short hair and went to bed with it wet you know it can dry in some pretty funky ways. I rather like it, make me look like a cute little guy. But, knowing my aunt, I tried to put order to it. Not a fan of hair spray I just wet a brush and ran it through my hair a few times. Apprantly I forgot a part. I got in the car and she started going off on how it was sticking up and looked awful.

 

The Yaeli.

I think this outing has cleared some things up for me.

 

I spent the better half of the last few hours certain that I would transition. Events of today have left me feeling a little bit more of my male identity.

Then I was doing something and suddenly realized how immature I act sometimes. At this time I was also thinking bout transition. Some how my brain link those two things to go "what if this is just a childish me having a childish fantasy."
And cue doubts again

---------- Post added 10th Jun 2015 at 10:08 PM ----------

Doesn't help that I don't feel like a real man like my brother. Sitting next to him is a good reminder that this body is female

 

Well, I never dreamed that I would grow into a boy but it has seem to happen xD.

My gender seems to fluxate through out the day. I feel male for most of it been when next to.another guy (cis male) I kinda realize how feminine and female I appear. Helps to think of myself as a gay male.

Like to view it as growing from a gender stupid child to an unhappy teenage girl to a teenage boy and then finally a man. But you are correct in what you are saying.

 

I'm actually 2 inches taller than my brother lol, so in don't feel smaller than him.
Not exactly sure why sitting next to him makes me feel like I'm just a fake man. Could be because he had the male upbring and was heavy into sports, something I never had. Could be because while I am tall I am still clearly female. But I will try not to focus on it.

 

For whatever reason I was laying in bed this morning thinking about something from my past. This little memory I have that I try not to remember because the reason the whole event happening was painful.

My eldest brother was heavily into his high schools JROTC, he was the high ranking person of his grade and school (besides the instructors) and was on the drill teamnas well. The JROTC drill team went to a lot of events, and one was a spring/summer event in the park. I had to off been in 5th or 6th grade at the time, most likely 6th. My grandmother recorded the whole event. A few days later she tells me to sit down in the living room. She then puts the tape in and fast forwards it a little. She paused it, and I knew that if she pushed play I would see myself walking in front of the camera on my way to the swings at the playground. (Hey I love swings, no judging.) I figured I was going tonget a lecture for walking in front of the camera. In stead in was told that I needed to see how I looked. She pushed play and I watch as this girl walked in front of the camera. I had an unsettling, almost sick feeling as I watched. That person could not possibly be me. I didn't recognize her. My grandma went on about my weight and how bad my slouch was. My mind says that was what had to be wrong. All the things she pointed. But after that I started avoiding cameras and recorders like the plague.

Now, looking back I wonder if my weight and slouching was what really bothered. I never cared about being fat before and wouldn't again till I was in high school. Looking back I seem to remember that I never really looked into mirrors all that much, just to brush my teeth and hair. The one thing I remember about the video was that I was wearing a rather large jacket. I was wearing a jacket on a hot southern spring day. I had always assumed that my wearing baggy jackets started after I moved in with my mom and went to a new school, now I'm not so sure.

I also have memories of a me around that time that would try on every pair of jeans I owned while getting dress for school. My dad assumed I was being a typical girl worrying about if they matched my top. But actually I would put them on and feel that they were to tight. I felt like they were trying to squeeze me and suffocate me. I said it was because they were straight leg jeans, and from then on out I would only wear boot cut jeans. Except for when I was at my mom's and wearing my brothers' old clothes. They never seemed to bother me even though they were straight legs.
It is very confusing and I wonder if this has anything to do with my gender at all. Is it possible to go my whole life rationalizing signs?
It was even around this time that I grew uncomfortable in one piece bathing suits. I refused to go to the beach because I didn't want to be seen in it. What I wanted was to wear my brothers' swim shorts, but that would of never been allowed.