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Becoming aware of your "gay eyes"

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SwirlingOcean, Jun 2, 2013.

  1. SwirlingOcean

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    Lately I've been going over every second of my past thinking about how I viewed things and how I reacted to things etc when I had no idea that I had "gay eyes"...haha you know what I mean. Everyone has different kinds of filters they see life through based on life experiences and their race, gender, class, geography, language, religion, or orientation.

    Does anyone else go back and rewatch movies they love and now see them totally differently just because now you're more aware of your feelings? For example I always loved Michelle Rodriguez because she always plays such a badass and I chalked it up to me being a feminist that I love seeing women play a strong role. But now I can see that it was a really big crush I had on her too.

    The other night I was watching So You Think You Can Dance and I just kept thinking to myself "I used to watch this show all the time and I never noticed that I like watching the women??" I could see the beauty in everyone but the way I looked at the women is different. I thought everyone "appreciated" women's beauty the way I did.

    :lol: I was so stupid! I'm kinda starting to get a kick outta my clueless-ness. I guess that's a good sign that I'm starting to accept myself, and that I'm letting go of the anger for being so clueless.

    ---------- Post added 2nd Jun 2013 at 01:29 PM ----------

    Also does it make you feel uncomfortable now around other people? Do you constantly worry "do they think I'm checking them out" or "is it okay to say that" ??? These kinds of thoughts nag me all the time now. I feel like coming out puts such a spot light on SEX. And I don't want people, especially family to think about me like that. ...
     
  2. Linguistic_Geek

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    I understand what you mean. My mom and I watch So You Think You Can Dance and she has yet to figure out I watch it soley for the very fit women in very little clothing dancing. A few years ago, I wouldn't have acknowledged or admitted that.

    As for watching what I say....I think I've been doing it so long that it's (sadly) become second nature. Now I'm catching myself thinking "hey, this person knows I'm gay and they are ok with it. I don't have to watch what I say around them".
     
  3. RainbowMan

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    Completely understand what you mean - this happened to me on the subway last night actually. A really cute guy was sitting next to me, and ordinarily (before coming out) I wouldn't have thought anything of it. I think he might have been gay, not sure - he couldn't stop staring at me either. I tried smiling (which I'm absolutely no good at), winking (even worse), and everything else short of telling him how cute he was.

    The subway was quite delayed, stopping for an extended period at every stop for awhile. I finally just said to him "this is getting really old" and he was like "yeah, every stop" We then resumed our staring contest until we both got off.

    It was...odd.
     
  4. Tightrope

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    I read the thread title, and didn't know what to expect. I've noticed that a good number of gay men, more so than bi men, have very attractive eyes. Among the men in our family, noticeable eyes with long lashes are the norm, though we also have reasonably masculine faces, 5 o'clock shadows, and some body hair. I've always found it confusing - both flattering and annoying - when a woman tells me she is jealous of my eyes or lashes. I don't know.
     
  5. Dublin Boy

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    Since coming out, I now see Gay People Everywhere :slight_smile:
     
  6. leice

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    You two are eye sexing each other I bet haha. I can imagine the tension between you two, the way you describe it. Maybe you should give him a call when you see him again :thumbsup:

    To: OP I get what you mean. I never really pay attention to some of the details in the past when I watch some of the shows. These days when I watch a tv show I pay attention to how the actors look, what they wear etc.
     
  7. Zoe

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    Ocean-

    I love this post! I think for me, I've always noticed attractive women, but I would always avert my eyes, thinking, "I shouldn't be looking at her like that."

    Now, I'm not a fan of ogling people (or their body parts...), but now, when I notice, I let myself appreciate what I'm seeing without scolding myself. Then I avert my eyes. :slight_smile:

    --Zoe
     
  8. SwirlingOcean

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    This has been my experience exactly! Like, EXACTLY. :lol:
     
  9. I am straight

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    It is very striking to me how some people here seem to have just discovered that they are gay. Swirling Ocean, you say have been going over every second of your past thinking about how you reacted to things when you had no idea that you had "gay eyes". You must feel physical attraction to women much differently than I felt physical attraction. For me, if I saw a hot girl when I was a teenager, I just did not know how I was going to survive not being able to have sex with her. My libido has diminished enormously since then. I'm now 32. I've read many sources that men's libido peaks at age 18, while women's libido peaks in their late-30s. For me, physical attraction has always been unmistakable.

    I just thought of a good analogy. Before I came to emptyclosets.com, I would have thought that someone not knowing their sexual orientation would be like jumping through a hole in the ice in a frozen lake, completely submerging in 33 degree Fahrenheit water, and not knowing that they are cold.
     
    #9 I am straight, Jun 2, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2013
  10. Tightrope

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    Am I missing the logic in this thread?

    I thought it was that idea of "How can you tell someone is gay?" "You can see it in their eyes." We've all heard that a number of times, I think.
     
  11. evora

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    Well, for me it's difficult to say if I had "gay eyes" before because for many years I've had eating disorders. It started after a boy took an interest in me and he'd walk me to school and then wait for me for hours until I finished and escort/follow me home, etc. and I didn't like it but I couldn't tell him that. The whole thing was very awkward for me. Anyway, my ED started because of many other things and not just because of him but he definitely played a part in it.
    I only mentioned this because I might have used my obsession with weight to disguise why I was really looking at women all the time. I still do sometimes but now I can tell the difference between staring at someone because I know they have an eating disorder, or they are thin and I want to look like them or because I'm attracted to them.
    However, that doesn't mean I feel less guilty about it.
     
  12. Zoe

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    Hi Straight-

    I love this analogy, and I know exactly what you mean. People keep asking me, "How could you 'know' your whole life, but yet not know? How come you're coming out now?"

    I totally understand their confusion. But, for a lot of us, we noticed the urges we had toward the same sex, but we worked hard to surpress or ignore them. I, in particular, got very good at rationalizing my thoughts about other women away.

    We do this for a number of reasons. Sometimes our religion tells us it's wrong, and we struggle with the idea that we're sinful, and we try hard not to acknowledge what is "wrong" with us. Others, like me, are people pleasers, and worked hard to be what everyone expected me to be. Some simply can't come to terms with their sexuality. Others think that getting together with a member of the same sex will make the feelings go away.

    So, when we're plunged in the water, we might just be telling ourselves over and over again, "I'm not cold...I'm not cold," until we believe it.

    --Zoe
     
  13. greatwhale

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    To stretch this excellent analogy even further, probably beyond its breaking point, there is a reason the "...until we believe it." happens.

    Usually there is one too many rejection (on our part) in the bedroom (whereas before we always thought we had a low libido - more rationalizations), or the spouse has had it, or you have an alarming crush on someone of the same sex.

    All of these moments are a kind of crisis. It's not a shock to the system, being gay, it's a shock to the system to discover being gay, that's when the thin ice we've been skating on with all our might suddenly crumbles beneath our feet.
     
  14. Runnerrunner

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    Wow, Greatwhale, "alarming crush..." That was my final straw. My facade was crumbling anyway, but then I met someone that rocked me to the core. I didn't even know what happened. There was barely any conversation, no contact just proximity. I couldn't believe how I felt. I couldt breathe, seriously COULD NOT BREATHE. I had NEVER responded to someone in that manner in my life. It was then I realized that this was no "peculiar interest" as I used to term it, but it was real and true, and I loved every GD minute of it. I understood that THAT was my true self and not the afraid, numb, masquerading fool I had carefully developed.

    Sadly, he is keeping a careful distance. I think he may be grappling with his own awareness and is also in a divorce (ain't we all just grand?). I sincerely hope that I can get to spend some time with him because he's all I think about. Even if it never happens, I'm grateful for meeting him so that I could finally realize my true self. But damn, it would be better with him. He's simply amazing. I ache to talk to him. Physically ache. I'm dying right now. ...whimpering in pain...
     
  15. wrhla

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    I no longer suppress sexual fantasies about male athletes when I'm watching sports. Mentioned to my brother that I thought the L.A. Dodgers' outfielder Andre Ethier was hot. Actually, my (straight) brother agreed that sex with Ethier sounded better than what he had been having lately with various women he's been dating.
     
  16. SwirlingOcean

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    Tightrope, what I meant by my "gay eyes" is that I never knew that when I looked at women that I was checking them out. It really never occurred to me. I thought I was just jealous of their figure or something. Or that everyone does it.

    So basically I never thought I was looking at life through the eyes of a lesbian, but a straight woman. Until like a week ago nearing my 30th birthday...

    So I'm only just now realizing that I have been looking at the world not as a straight person, but as a gay person. I just meant that its a different perspective. And its strange realizing that you don't really know what its like to be straight even though you identified as mostly straight your entire life. If that makes sense.
     
  17. Tightrope

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    Yes, I've never heard it put that way, but how you've explained it, it makes sense.

    With guys, I've heard talk about being given "the look" or it being in the "eyes."

    ---------- Post added 2nd Jun 2013 at 07:42 PM ----------

    That's a funny story. As far as the Dodgers go, Mike Piazza was watchable.
     
    #17 Tightrope, Jun 2, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2013
  18. Venturing

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    Or rationalizing thoughts by thinking that everyone questions their sexuality at one time or another. That everyone goes through this, it's no big deal. Yeah, not so much, come to realize, lol.
     
  19. Cool Bananas

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    I think everyone in this thread has made some very good comments.

    You might notice some nice looking people of either sex but when you start looking at someone of the same sex you think it is wrong so you don't do it. Society keeps telling you that you will find someone you will like, they will like you and then you live happily ever after. Then you think you couldn't be one of those queer people who are into the same sex, what is the number 5% or maybe a little more so you couldn't possibly in the minority. You say to yourself, doesn't everyone question their own sexuality or morality at some point in your life.

    Eventually you might meet someone or a few people where you can't keep your eyes off them, or more to the point you can't stop thinking about them. So then you start to accept that maybe you are attracted to the same sex so you let your eyes start to wander and allow yourself the freedom to look at everyone. And then you start to look closely and work out who else could be gay as well.

    Then you start to talk to other gay friends and one friend mentioned to me you can tell in their eyes, and I thought yeah right, and then one time it happened to me and I thought, I must be dreaming it, its almost like you can hear what they are telling you but the eyes are telling you something different. The Eagles wrote a song about those Lying Eyes.

    Ok I think I covered both parts of the thread, :icon_wink
     
  20. sigillumdiaboli

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    I totally agree with this sentiment, although even though I theoretically only have one foot out of the closet at this stage - There's still a part of me that makes me 'feel bad' for checking out other women. Luckily though, I have found a Bisexual girl through a dating website, whom I seem to click with a lot - and now I find myself constantly thinking about her! ...Secretly hoping she does the same! :grin:

    Personally, I liking my 'gay eyes' as some sort of a filter, whereby when I scan a room full of people, all the guys seem blurry, and only the women are in focus.