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Back and Forth

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Pathos, Feb 1, 2021.

  1. Pathos

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    I don’t know about everyone else’s “coming out to themselves” experience, but mine has been a rollercoaster lately.

    Maybe I’m finally hitting a wall that I’m actually gay and not mostly straight or slightly bisexual. I still find some women attractive, but my thoughts have been tending to drift toward men. Maybe it’s the extended time alone with the pandemic? I’ve gone through phases before of being more attracted to guys, but I typically drift back toward women. I’m in my early 30’s and this is ongoing for at least 10 years. The back and forth is tiring and I’d just rather settle more on one side than the other.

    I sometimes feel as though I’m fighting some deeply ingrained homophobia - strange considering my family is very progressive - but the societal pressure does a number. It’s hard to see clearly through to what is really true for me.

    Has anyone else had a similar experience? Was there a moment or moments where things clicked or provided clarity? Thanks!
     
  2. out2019

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    Hi
    Yes I can totally related to this. And for years the 'but I always look at women' kept me from accepting that I was gay. I had a lot of internal homophobia and denial.

    I am not saying you 'have' to have the same experiences I have - this is just my personal experience but here it goes:

    Younger, I would go back and forth, I always found women beautiful, but what I didn't realize is I was actively repressing my attraction to men. I would write of my intense fantasizing about men as a kink or fetish.

    Once I came here and started to post, well, maybe possibly, I might be gay, it was like a damn bursting. Once I 'allowed' myself to openly fantasize in my mind about going out with a guy on date, kissing, hugging, being romantic, my attraction to women quickly faded. Based on what I have read on this forum lot of guys who have come out later in life have experienced the same thing.

    What provided clarity:
    Answering the question: Who could you imagine coming home to and saying I love you?
    Looking in the mirror and saying "i am gay'. - this is a very powerful exercise.
    Posting here, reading other stories.
    Internal fantasies - which are more intense?

    What makes you feel this way?
     
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  3. Contented

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    I think that as we come face to face with our same sex attraction it becomes a struggle to let go of our ingrained compulsory heterosexuality. We are faced at every turn with heteronormative programming and it becomes very difficult to finally say that your gay. Giving up heterosexual privilege to embrace what many in society mistakenly and ridiculously see as deviant and wrong is tough. I can attest that it takes some courage to admit to yourself that despite the brainwashing your prefer men as emotional and sexual partners. Once you do it’s becomes easier to embrace the gay you.
     
  4. LilLady9

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    I wouldn't be so hard on yourself. Sexuality can be very confusing. It's also fluid so it may change over time, which is perfectly okay.

    As a bisexual male, I have experienced this myself. I spent years going back and forth thinking I'm gay and thinking I'm straight. As I've gotten to understand myself more, I have realized I just like men and women in different ways. I'm sexually and emotionally attracted to women but only emotionally attracted to men (I have to develop emotional attraction to a guy before I find him physically attractive).

    The moment things clicked was falling in love with a guy and having a sexual relationship with him. I've also dated girls which I loved dearly.

    Have you ever had a sexual relationship with a guy? That may help you come to a conclusion on your sexuality.
     
  5. Contented

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    Have you ever had a sexual relationship with a guy? That may help you come to a conclusion on your sexuality.
    This statement is absolutely true. For me the first time I had a sexual relationship with another man I figured it was just that a sexual thing. However quite quickly I started to become emotionally attached as well. Within a very short period I came to the realization I very much wanted to be in a total relationship with another man. My attraction to women faded rather quickly after that. Becoming comfortable with my same sex attraction took some work on my part as I always considered myself straight. In retrospect that attraction to guys was always there but my first sexual experience with another guy opened the floodgates of my latent homosexuality. I certainly don’t regret it. If you haven’t been sexual with another man you owe it to yourself to determine if that attraction actually exists. You may surprise yourself with the depth of those emotions.
     
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  6. out2019

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    Yes, it's important for some of us to realize how much we repressed ourselves and that made it seem like I liked women more- the truth is it was easier to like women.

    If someone is repressed and doesn't want to be seen or hasn't come out as gay -imagine he's at a party with friends, he sees a a cute guy and sees a woman eyeing him. When I was repressed I would end up with the woman-it would 'affirm' I wasn't gay - there would be no way I would flirt with the guy in front of close relations I wasn't out to. What I didn't realize, is, I even did this in my head.

    As I slowly felt less and less shame about being gay, and in fact began to realize what a beautiful feeling it is, any 'attraction' to women faded. I haven't fantasied about a woman in years.

    I am maybe "80%" gay I could have sex with the right woman and probably enjoy it, but I don't consider myself bi because the feeling is not nearly as intense both romantically and sexually.
     
  7. Contented

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    We are all different but I could not have sex with a woman ever again. The idea now seems totally gross to me. In comparison, intimacy with another man is so much more intense, sensual and pleasurable. I sometimes ask myself how I ever deprived myself of this level of emotional and sexual fulfillment. I guess it is true we live and learn.
     
  8. out2019

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    True. Since I accepted myself, I do get grossed out by sex with a woman, so I guess it's more of a theory now. But if I really cared for a woman and wanted to please her, it would be possible based on my past. I remember being scared when I finally realized I didn't like having sex with women now it's liberating.
     
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  9. eron

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    Once I accepted my sexuality, and began to experience men sexually, I found my sexual interest in women to fade to the point where reaching orgasm with a women became basically non-existent. With men, however, I have to fight to keep from reaching climax too early. The self-honesty is liberating to say the least. I still find women attractive and interesting, but no longer feel any sexual tension or energy.
     
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