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Attraction, friendship ... then friendship

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Tightrope, Apr 10, 2023.

  1. Tightrope

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    The title is unclear, so I'll explain.

    When I was younger, I was really thrown for a loop sometimes if there was a guy I thought was attractive either at school or work. I was usually intimidated by the person. The only thing that might make it easier was having to work together on something and having to communicate a lot in the process, or their approaching me to kid around and that would put me at ease.

    This has changed a lot in the last 10 or 20 years. I can much more easily go up to some guys and approach them. A rare few guys still intimidate me. The reason for the thread is that a new pattern has come up. Say I get to know someone new who I think is attractive, a friendship starts, and we start doing things together. There's a lot of dialogue and it's good, deep dialogue. This happened within the last year with someone I know through a group of people and we hang out. I like having this guy as a good friend. I really don't think of sex. That's whether we talk about sex or it doesn't come up. I wouldn't want sex to jeopardize the friendship. Most people in this situation would want to have sex with the person.

    With women I've known, if I have been interested and they didn't intimidate me, and I got friend-zoned, I wouldn't be sticking around. There were also some who intimidated me. If they wanted to be FWB, I could go along with it ... for a while. I always know those end and they do. Now, if I'm not interested but they're interested in me, I am now consciously trying to avoid befriending them. It causes a lot of problems I prefer to avoid. I don't think I'm keen on collecting too many women friends.

    Have you ever befriended someone of your own gender who you found attractive and as the friendship moves along based on a deep connection, you don't want to do anything to risk that, including having sex with them? What was this like and what was it about for you? I have more questions than I do answers.
     
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  2. Wanderlost

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    I'm still very shy around super attractive people. I had a part time job that forced me to interact with them, so I did, but I was often a blubbering mess.

    Almost all of my female friends are straight, so sex isn't really something that comes up as an option for me. My best friend, however, happens to be Bi, and she is very attractive. I've never had romantic feelings for her. Have I thought about sex with her? Probably. But I'm also not a FWB person so it's never been more than a passing thought when I am super horny and she's just there, looking rather nice. It's probably a good thing I don't drink heavily either. She has never hit on me, so things have never gotten weird between us. I guess I'm lucky. But for me chemistry plays a huge role in attraction and we just don't have that sort of chemistry. There have been a handful of times when I've been put in a situation where I could have gone there and chose not too because of what you are saying, it's just not worth ruining the friendship over.
     
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  3. 74andHome

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    I really like the way you both approach this. I totally agree and want to believe I would never be willing to lose a great friendship over sex with him or her ever. Thanks for bringing that up.
     
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  4. Tightrope

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    This thread raises a tough question. Why is it that we initially found the person attractive and noticed them, and then the attraction fades a little to the point that we don't want to have sex with the person? Is it about intimacy issues? Is it that if the sex isn't what it was expected to be, it was a stupid way to lose the friendship? Maybe this is why so many people are willing to have one night stands with people they find attractive but also don't have much in common with.
     
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  5. Wanderlost

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    You're probably mostly right. I mean, it makes sense that we get horny and want sex but we don't want the strings that include all the other stuff you mentioned. it's also possible that part of it is sometimes we have happy accidents and then regret them later. I've never had a fling or fwb or one night stand situation, I mean, I'm not that old so it could happen still, but honestly I don't want it to happen. Not because I don't like sex, but because I also want all the strings.

    Some obvious reasons are as you say, sometimes physically attractive people turn out to be horrible people, or at least, just not your type, so initial interest fades. "Bad sex" or more accurately, sex outside of what you feel is good, can definitely turn a person cold when thinking about a more involved relationship. It's hard to get past physical incompatibilities. I also feel though, that to a certain degree, this can be fixed simply by having some honest and open communication about likes, dislikes, expectations, etc. Intimacy issues is huge. I probably identify with this one more than the others. The famous, "It's not you, it's me." excuse. Again, communication is really important, and some people would rather just have sex. "Friend zoned." I can do this very well. I think I have a trophy laying around in a closet somewhere: "First Place, Friend Zone Champion." before I paint myself as some unfeeling bitch, I usually do this for self preservation purposes. I don't like being hurt. If I begin to like someone who is off limits, otherwise entangled, out of bounds, etc. Like the best friend conversation from above, If she is straight, if he is gay, if she/he/they are in a relationship, if their are serious red flags, etc. friend zone, friend zone, friend zone... I've yet to put un-friendzoning to the test though. I'd hate to lose my trophy.
     
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