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attraction by race?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by ECMember, Dec 30, 2015.

  1. ECMember

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    I don't know if this is the right area to post this, as I'm a little puzzled where to post this. Anyway, I've noticed I've had some brief sexual attraction/feelings towards a specific group of guys. I don't consider myself homosexual or gay just having bicurious or borderline bisexual feelings.

    I've somehow some strong preference for White guys that are young looking(18-20) and blonde and maybe preppy/fratty or middle class at least.

    I'm not White myself, I'm Hispanic(Mexican American/Chicano).

    I've alluded to my past on threads.

    I've been puzzled as to how and why I feel a stronger preference of sorts towards White guys. Maybe it's internal racism because there were attempts in my life I had wanted to "fit in"("Whiten" myself). I wasn't seeing myself as a "race traitor" because the importance of Ethnicity isn't really a big deal.

    It's a confusing thing to explain.
     
  2. thatchickcj

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    I think I understand what you're getting at? If it's what I think you're talking about, attraction to people based on their race is quite normal (for straight and not-straight people alike). Everyone's attraction to people differs from person to person. It's what make people have a 'type'.

    (Let me know if I got this wrong... :S )
     
  3. Yami

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    I am a Caucasian female, and my attraction is mainly targeted towards black girls. I have always been this way and will probably always be this way, it's nothing wrong with having a preference. It's just as normal as having a thing for blondes, big breasted, thin, blue-eyed, or long nailed (whatever floats your boat)! :slight_smile:
     
  4. ECMember

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    Is normal to have fantasies or thoughts like this:

    I have dreams where I'm with a bi curious or bi(mostly straight) White guy. Blonde haired guy. He's wealthy and from some affluent area like Beverly Hills and we just live a 20-something posh life around LA. I don't consider the fantasies as homoerotic because I don't place an emphasis on sex just on hanging out and living like we are some high class bros chilling.
     
    #4 ECMember, Dec 30, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2015
  5. Gen

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    You shouldn't be thinking of these feelings as shameful, but it is important that you reflect on them. Everyone loves to bush feelings off as completely natural and innocent as though we are not an extremely impressionable species.

    You cannot be cannot be born with a preference for middle class, preppy, fratty, young, white men. It is quite literally impossible. It would be the equivalent of being born with a favorite genre of music. Psychologically, we cannot have natural, pure preferences for things that we actually have to live in the world to discover. Those have to be products of development.

    The vast majority of the preferences that we have as individuals are products of influence during development than anything involving natural disposition or genetics. That is why mainstream music and media is the most sought after music and media. The type of individual that you have described is the same type of individual that dominates our television, film, music, etc. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to Zac Efron, but if you only ever find yourself attracted to Zac Efrons then it might be a good time to reflect on these attractions. Not simply because of the factor of racial bias, but because of several types of biases. The majority of White males can't even live up to the image of the Zac Efrons of the media.

    It is a psychological fact that we are influenced by dominant ideals. We are not influenced by all of them, but we are all influenced by some. Often times, we prefer to believe that we are far too intelligent to be influenced in such ways, but learned bias has little to do with intelligence and everything to do with basic psychological development. Reread the below quite and really give it some thought:
    This is an extremely strict mold that you have described here. It is not a preference that could have been innate. This is an LGBTQ website. Every single day there are several discussions about how we've had to broaden our perception of gender and unlearn past biases in order to discover and understand their attractions to the same sex or gender expression. Yet when it comes to the subject of race or body size many tend to rush in and claim that "Those are the preferences the you are born with. They will never evolve. There is nothing that you can do". Many claim it because that is the easy response. It makes everyone feel more comfortable about their own restrictions, but it is simply not true.

    There is a reason why middle age groups tend to have less preferences and restrictions when it comes to physical attraction, then younger groups. As we grow older, we tend to broaden our mindsets and slowly unlearn some of the mindsets, biases, and ideals that were imposed on us during our youth; however, we do not have to wait until we are pushing fifty in order to go through these processes. We can get into the habit of acknowledging our ability to be biased by our environment and getting into the habit of not only questioning them on our own but making an effort to broaden them. For example, it has been proven that the more diverse media we consume the less likely we are to subscribe to stereotypical beauty standards and the more likely we are have a higher average of self-esteem.

    I don't want to drown you with information, but I hope that everything read clearly. :slight_smile:
     
  6. BimarriedMike

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    I've noticed lots of guys have attractions to other races...I'm white and into latin guys, lots of latin guys I know are into white guys etc.

    It doesn't mean anything other than what you prefer and you may want to explore these feelings with the type of guy you are attracted to.
     
  7. resu

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    As Gen mentioned, the demographic you're describing is in a position of dominance in American culture, which also means dominating beauty standards. For decades, "All-American" was synonymous with blond hair, blue eyes, "Nordic features", etc. It's not by chance that you developed this preference. So, I think the next thing would be to ask what do you want to do about it. You have already talked about times in the past when you wanted to "whiten yourself", which I think you know can really degrade your self-worth. Acknowledging bias is the first step to overcoming it.
     
  8. ECMember

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    I never really labeled my preference as saying, "Oh...that's the 'All-American' guy or whatever."

    It's hard to say when it developed, maybe that time in August of 2010 or maybe sometime prior.

    I didn't really get myself in diversity until 2006.

    The "whitening" aspect I feel like I'm confusing it with assimilation. I mean the Hispanic/Latin/Chicano identity seems secondary to my life. I mean it's there, but I don't place a big emphasis on it.

    I mean, I don't speak Spanish hardly and I've spoken with a borderline Anglo "White" with some "Spanish tongue."

    And that may or may have started when I was going into high school as I left the inner city schools and moved my way up to suburban school and then to college.

    I don't feel like it's internal racism.

    I know Latin America and it's history, there is this shit over "Whiteness" and striving for mobility. I'm not saying that's the main factor for me but I'm making a comparison. In a similar point, when people ask what kind of female would I want to have sex with, I'd always say "hot blonde white chick." I always had some bullshit fantasy back in the fall of 2010, of finding the right "white chick" and hooking up, and then settling down and marrying and then "moving up"(mobility) with that.

    Which leads to me to theorize that I have some strong inclination to feel that having White friends or partners or acquaintances had led me to feel that I was moving up or something. It's not really internal racism or self-hating towards the Latino culture or Mexican identity, really just assimilating into mainstream White culture or something. And also, maybe achieving some "mobility" because I have fantasized about finding the right Bi-curious that was wealthy or finding the "rich white chick."
     
  9. Gen

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    Internalized racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, etc, does not mean being self-loathing or hateful. It means being negatively influenced by the systems of oppression and prejudice that existed in the world that you were raised in. It means playing into stereotypes and generalizations. Feeling as though most members of your minority group actually do fit stereotypes, but you specifically are different than them. It means attempting surround yourself with members of other groups and assimilating as much as possible in hopes of not being associated with other minorities. It means viewing the identities, appearances, and behaviors of the majority as inherently more desirable or something worth striving for. Which sounds exactly like what you've been describing here.

    Despite many of the ignorant mindsets that you will find in western culture, Latinos are not a monolith. There is no such thing as being Latino enough. The language that you speak is English and simply because you speak it well does not mean that you speak "White". English, itself, is not even a language that was originally masterminded. It is made up of words from several languages. Many of which were not created by White societies. There is no such thing as speaking White. There is no such thing as having a White identity come first because you lived a suburban middle class life. The experience of people of color is not limited to lower class, urban environments and culture. And that is where the internal racism comes in.

    I am not judging. I've had microaggressions thrown my way my entire life. The amount of times in grade school when I was the top student in all-white classes, when other students sought to beat my scores on exams and essays, but I had to hear time and time about how "I speak White" and because they performed less than me "they were blacker than me". Because my mother was a medical professional and I lived in the nicest house "I was Whiter than them". Which still baffles me because if the stereotype is that I am only eloquent and intelligent because I emulate White people, then how could I have consistently been the student to beat in all-white classrooms? The logic doesn't follow with that one. But I digress.

    The point is that it can be hard not to internalize the racism and microaggressions that we experience on a regular basis as racial minorities. As children, we want acceptance and if the only people around us are people who place us into boxes than it is hard not to want to try to disassociate ourselves from various identities. But there is no way to be Latino. There is not way to live as a Latino. There isn't anything critieria other than being Latino. You have to find more confidence and love within yourself. You don't need anyone to make you more respectable or move up the ladder. You have to be able to look in the mirror and know that you are the top of the ladder. Nothing about you needs to be uplifted by a White person. If you want to be a successful, distinguished, wealthy individual, then you can accomplish ever bit of that without the presence of a single White male or female. You might not see wealthy, successful, distinguished people of color being represented in the media to the extend that White people are praised, but that is because of bias and lack of opportunity not ability. It should inspire you to want to carve out a new image and create a spot for yourself in this world. Not try to be something that is not truly you.
     
  10. dreamer2891

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    Although we're not born to have preferences like you describe.... i would add that they are fairly ingrained, and although possible - still very hard to change psychologically, and you don't have to!

    some people have a specific type, others have several types, for others physical appearance isn't an issue.....AND THEY ARE ALL OKAY. just be mindful that the more specific your type, the smaller your dating pool.

    Basically I'm saying don't be ashamed of who your attracted to. I read a good point once - that its not the individual thats racist..... but the REASONS that individual has the preferences might come from a racist place.... in terms of society, exposure so its not your fault!

    I would say is just be mindful and respectful of everyone, and the language you use on dating sites or when discussing preferences and dating with friends.... we all have a duty to preserve peoples self esteem.
     
    #10 dreamer2891, Dec 31, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2015
  11. Ryan monaco

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    i kinda like black guys more than than the other its just an attraction its just what you like so like what you want nothing is wrong with that
     
  12. dreamer2891

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    I agree with much of this, but I don't think its that easy to change attractions, Speaking from my own experience - I'm in my 30's and I have a physical 'type' - and its never changed, I use a broad range of media, I live in a metropolitan city, I have a diverse range of friends and colleagues.... I'm also very mindful of my preferences and do question them..... BUT my attraction 'love map' has never shifted... Ive just had a layer of guilt added to it instead.

    I think you would need psychological intervention to change an attraction preference.... but why would you want to go that far?

    although attraction preferences are not set at birth... I do think some people are born to be MORE PREDISPOSED towards certain interests/attractions etc.... depending on exposure... R.e. fetishes...
     
  13. Gen

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    Internalized racism does not make people hateful, but it does have clear negative social implications. Regardless, even ignoring the sociological impact of certain mindsets, psychologically, the mindset that the OP has describe is extremely unhealthy, specifically for a person of color. Nothing is shameful about it. It is unfortunately a mindsets that is much more popular in western culture than most would like to admit. However, it is not innocent and it is not something that should be deemed as perfectly ignorable.

    Social conditioning is absolutely not easy to unlearn and I would never imply that it is. Ideally, we would want to work towards unlearning mindsets that we know to be problematic out of a personal desire to be able to view the world more clearly, but that might not be the case for all. If a White person is aware that they are probably biased as a result of racial bias in society but choose that it is something that they will simply accept, then that is their prerogative. However, when people of color look in the mirror, they see people of color. The idea that white skin and European features are the standard for beauty and living up to the image of White esteem that is prevalent in our culture is not something that can be so easily ignored and deemed harmless when it is in the minds of people of other races.

    There is simply no way that you can read the above posts and think that this is a healthy mindset for anyone to remain in, let alone a person of color. I've repeated throughout all of my posts that it is the product of social conditioning and he has nothing to be ashamed about. But under no circumstances should we be saying that it is perfectly fine for a person of color to continue living his life with the mindset that being with young, middle class, preppy, fratty, White men and women "bring him up in life". We should not be so quick to pass these things off as non-issues.
    Unlearning internalized biases takes time; not intricate psychiatric treatment. Nothing is easy when it comes to mental development. LGBTQ people have to unlearn quite a number of biases involving gender and sexuality before they can grow to love themselves and feel comfortable with who they are. We would never claim that it is a good idea to encourage homosexual men to simply accept the internalized homophobia and sexism that they were conditioned to believe simply because unlearning things is hard. We would assure them that they would never truly live a happy and content life until they do. Race is no different.

    I know nothing about your racial identity or the identity of whatever comprises the specific type of person that you are into, but passing off the concerns surrounding a Latino male who has clearly explained that he struggles with his own racial identity and feels that he should be with a White partner in order to move up in life as a non-issue simply because you wouldn't personally want to take the time to unlearn racial bias is highly problematic. I am not saying that as a jab rather I am encouraging that some people reread this thread and reconsider the idea that it is healthy for a non-white person to continue living on with this mindset.
     
  14. dreamer2891

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    Oh I agree with you that it is problematic that the OP feels he needs a white bf to improve his life, and that he wishes to whiten himself etc

    Sexual attraction is a very complex and highly personal issue.

    Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I SHOULD be open to dating any adult human with a penis...... it simply doesn't work like that. I'm pretty much 100% gay... but I would find a woman more attractive than many men out there.....

    I will say though that i think things will slowly change and we become much more of a cosmopolitan multi-culptural world......and future generations will have less of these preferences..... but in the hear and now.... those that do have a preference shouldn't be shamed for that!
     
  15. Gen

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    Which preferences are harmful in general is a completely different and much more complex discussion. I wouldn't even want to delve into that at this point in time. The issue that I saw was that there are some responses in this thread that are simply saying that there is nothing wrong with preferences without taking the time to cater their advice to the OP who is seeking it. If we can agree that the OPs mindset is damaging, then that is the only issue that we should be addressing because rushing to add that there is nothing wrong with racial preferences when even he feels that there is something wrong about his view towards race is not helping him.

    Sexual attraction can be a complex issue because many people haven't given enough thought to their feelings to articulate the reasons behind them; however, the OP has taken the time to explain why he feels this way. We know that the source behind his feelings is rather negative so we should be focusing on the issues that he specifically is dealing with rather than going on about each of our general philosophies about sexual preference.

    You have to be aware and active to unlearn internalized biases. People within the LGBTQ community should know that more than anything because many of us continue to grow and find ourselves more understanding, acceptance, and loving of ourselves the more that we live. It is a necessary process if we ever intend to reach a point of personal contentment and self-growth is never something that is not worth our time.
     
  16. Ravi-VIXX777

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    Nothing wrong with a preference-meaning if you had to choose people solely on their looks, a certain race would be most appealling to you. A racial preference only becomes bad when you will deny other races for the sake of their races, or begin fetishize one race.

    However, I do question the legitimacy of some people who are non-white, but have a strong preference for people who are white. I say this because media is so whitewashed, lighter skin is culturally a sign of wealth and beauty, and other races are made out to be a fetish or considered ugly/undesireable. But that's not to say it is internalized racism.

    At the end of the day, ya like what ya like even if the media plays a big part in who we considered attractive or desireable. It's only a problem if you deny people because of their race or think of them as objects and not human because of their race.
     
  17. thewolf

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    I like Latinos. Which is weird, because that's a very broad category, including those who don't look white and are the stereotypical dark, to those who look totally white. I also admire certain Middle-Easterners.

    It's quite fascinating to me, our preferences, but I think many straight/gay/bi people of all sorts have certain ethnic "types"... Interracial dating sites much?
     
  18. ECMember

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    I've appreciated some of the feedback and comments I've received.

    And to clarify some things up.

    I never really had a moment where I just had some inclination to "whiten" myself. I mean, I didn't wake up one morning and say that.

    I've theorized it happen somewhere after I graduated from high school and went to that private college in Dallas-Fort Worth.

    I never had the thought of "whitening" myself in high school as there was diversity and everything. I didn't consider myself bi curious or bi or gay in high school, as I did prefer girls. Though, there were the brief moments that one or two guys pretended to act gay towards me: tickled or held my hand. I never had any strong sexual feeling or anything from those experiences because I didn't identify as bi curious in high school.

    I've theorized as to when I had the whole mindset of the "whitening" thing and the preferences.

    I've assumed it was when I was in the private college and just sticking out. Added to the equation, I was at the poverty level and minority kid and just wanted to fit in. I mean, I wanted to "be like the cool kids"(like the song).

    And maybe when I roomed with that guy AM , I felt some acceptance. And with my developing psychosexual framework were factors and maybe that's how I have had the feelings remain in my mind.
     
  19. nicecoolguy

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    While I do notice that I tend to be attracted to Caucasians more than to other races, race itself is not a factor for me, at least when it comes to women. I'm a black guy, but I'm not attracted to other black guys. It's just how I'm wired I guess. That's not to say I can't view another black male as handsome, but I don't really develop any sort of feelings.