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Asking position no longer acceptable

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Ballplayer, Oct 7, 2019.

  1. Ballplayer

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    I saw a blog that basically said it's no longer acceptable to ask if someone is top, bottom, or verse. Or at least guys are starting to not respond. I know two tops or two bottoms can have a relationship but I'd think it's somewhat important to know.

    Maybe I misunderstood the blog, but is it something that's important to know or is it actually rude to now ask?
     
  2. jaybirb

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    Hmm, that's interesting... If you ask me, it's not rude to ask unless it's, say, a first date, or maybe you only just met the guy. It's just kind of forward to go from a friendly relationship or acquaintance to a sexual relationship, at least for some. Of course there are people who are very sexually active, but for others, they want to get to know their (potential) partner on a more personal level before jumping into bed.

    I know it's kind of rough not knowing before you get into a relationship (and maybe it even feels like a waste of time), but in general, relationships just involve taking time to get to know a person and then see whether or not you're compatible instead of rushing to find out and then ditching them if you're incompatible. But for every person who just wants a one night stand or a hookup buddy, there are plenty of others who feel the same. Just gotta find those circles of like-minded people.
     
  3. Shorthaul

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    I don't think I have ever asked any sexual partner that kind of thing, like ever. Usually once it got to the sex part it was more about consent than position...
    I would think that would be something to know in a long term relationship.
     
  4. Chip

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    I have never heard of anyone considering it rude. In casual conversation, no, it would not be appropriate, nor would it be reasonable to ask in the first 5 minutes you're talking to someone. But if you're talking to someone and it's pointing in the direction that could lead to dating and/or sex, then of course it's reasonable to ask. If you have two people who are hardcore bottoms that love sex... well, that probably isn't going to work very well. Likewise, two tops.
     
  5. JaymzR1968

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    I don’t find it rude or inappropriate for someone to ask position/preference...and I wouldn’t be offended if someone were to ask me. I agree that it’s not the right question to drop during a casual conversation over coffee or whatever, or like the person above stated, definitely not during the first few minutes or as a lead-in question. But if it feels like there may be some sexual chemistry and mutual attraction, then I fully agree that compatibility is very important. I have no shame in admitting I’m a total bottom, no desire whatsoever to top/flip (just nit my thing) and won’t if asked - and before somebody says “but what if you’re in a relationship and really care for the guy and want him to be happy too?” My answer is simple: the “relationship” wouldn’t have developed to that point to begin with since we would have determined our incompatibility at the beginning and would not have been intimate to begin with.
    I wouldn’t be compatible with another bottom as that, for me, is an important part of the intimacy and connection I want with the guy I’m with, and basically there is no way I’d reciprocate the favor (not part of who I am I guess, no other way I can think of to explain it).

    so long story to answer your question: no, it’s not rude or inappropriate under the right circumstances.
     
  6. Benway

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    Well, personally I do get annoyed when bigots like my father or my friends ask me "are you the pitcher or the catcher?"
     
  7. JaymzR1968

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    Ok, point taken. I can see that would be extremely annoying and disrespectful, especially if f the question was framed that way and from a source that isn’t understanding or either secretly or openly intolerant, bigoted, and ignorant.
     
  8. PatrickUK

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    If there is a likelihood of us having sex with someone, it's a question we should expect the other person to ask. It's not rude and we shouldn't feel offended by it. The only time I took exception to the question was on a first date before I'd even finished one drink.

    It's not okay for other people, e.g. family members and colleagues to pry into our sexual preferences though.
     
  9. JaymzR1968

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    100% completely agree! Well said.

    I’d be mortified and thoroughly offended if a coworker or family member asked this if me...
     
  10. OGS

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    I feel like I just exist to be contrary here.

    I would find it off-putting. I dated quite a bit back in the day and "dated" even more and it wasn't something I asked or was asked. It just seems strange to me. It reduces sex to the mechanics of it and then builds identities around those mechanics. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. The fact is, in my opinion, if two guys who are into each other can't figure out anything fun to do with their bodies together one or most likely both of them are just kind of boring. I mean don't get me wrong--when the moment drew near I was certainly asked "what do you like to do?" or even closer to the moment maybe "what are you looking to do?" But the idea that that would say anything fundamental about who I am is weird to me. Now that I think about it my answer to either was usually some variation on "well, let's see where the evening takes us"...
     
  11. I'mStillStanding

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    I’m not offended when I’m asked. I’m not even offended when I’m asked by the straight person who’s is just fascinated that I’m discussing my gayness with them... they normally say are you the guy or girl when you hook up.... I always say the same thing: “3 things... a) we are both guys that’s kinda the point of being gay. Second, some people get really offended by this question even when you phrase it the appropriate way which would be are you a top, verse, or bottom... but I’m not at all just be mindful. And finally...” I answer the question.

    I mean I think the problems with the question are bottoms are viewed as less of a man, tops are suppose to be more masc, verse is like a question mark because are they really verse or just trying to get you alone? Then there’s shaming and all that comes along with the roles you should take on with each label (roles given both in the straight world and gay world). It also kinda reduces people down to a sex position and thus either the equivalent of a blowup doll or a dildo.

    So if a person feels this way about any of it then I totally respect that... me I’m completely comfortable with my role when it comes to sex. I enjoy it very much and don’t care what anyone else says about it. But I know not everyone feels that way so I tend not to be as forward when I’m wanting to know the answer. I go with similar questions as @OGS mentioned. Or maybe even play 20 questions just to ask for the best sex of their life story cause that always gives you great details hahahaha.

    I’ve rambled... the point is if you feel comfortable answering it don’t worry what anyone else says. If you think asking may be too abrasive but are curious get creative :slight_smile:
     
  12. Chip

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    100% agree. These folks are asking simply for their own curiosity and amusement. One thing you might do to shut these people up (if they're guys" is to respond with "How large is your erect penis?" Because most people will be offended and not want to answer, because it's none of your business, and if they say that, you turn that answer right back at them. Because the top/bottom question is equally no one's business unless you're going to have sex with them.
     
  13. JaymzR1968

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    Ok - this may be getting into the weeds, going down the rabbit hole a bit...but it is related to the topic of “are you a top or bottom?”

    “ImStillStanding”: You make a good point - there is that stigma of “tops are the man” “bottoms are the woman” (um, like you said - isn’t us being both men the whole point! Anyway I digress...) and the whole thing about bottoms supposedly being more feminine - THAT is what gets me. I have no problem admitting that I’m a bottom of/when asked (total bottom to be more precise), but when I’m defined or labeled by individuals to be something that they themselves either fear or don’t understand (or perhaps envy) I do find that offensive. I’m sorry - but why is it ok to place all gay men who prefer one role over the other into the same bucket and project character traits or behaviors onto them without a full understanding of them as individuals. Would it be ok to lump all straight women who have labor intensive careers such as electrician or heavy equipment operators as “bitch”, or look at men (regardless of their) sexuality who are professional dancers or actors and instantly label them as “queer”? No it’s not, and they are similar - it’s taking personal insecurities or ignorant belief structures and imposing them on others. Yes, I’m a total bottom (which DOES NOT define me as a person, and we don’t need to discuss or debate why I am who/what I am) but I’d say that most people (whether they know I’m gay or not) would see me as a generally masculine guy, maybe even that odd “straight acting” label at times , I spent a career in the US military, as a integral member of a decorated combat aircrew I flew thousands of hours across the globe over that time. Served during Desert Storm, and in support of dozens of other operations around the world. I am avid outdoorsman, I’m an excellent Bowman, and I could go on and on...but my point is, just because of my preference/position/whatever you want to call it in the bedroom doesn’t make me any more or less feminine. Not denying that there are men who are either by nature or choice who tend to act more feminine (burn that also doesn’t automatically make them a bottom - just as a 275 lb linebacker with muscles bulging everywhere mean he’s automatically a top).

    Sorry guys - I’ll get off my soap box now and stop rambling. LOL. As you were...carry on.
     
  14. I'mStillStanding

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    Yea totally agree with everything you said... I guess I don’t get frustrated about sharing that I’m a bottom (maybe verse bottom but that could be a reach hahahaha) because I am very feminine. I’ve always been super feminine. I mean since I was a like 2 hahaha I had dolls, and played dress up, was obsessed with Lisa Frank, etc. However when you see me (and I’m not walking or talking) you see a 6’3 hairy guy you’d expect to be super masc. Then I open my mouth and a puff of glitter comes out and everyone gets confused lol. Granted if I was in an area where I felt more comfortable I’d wear things I want to and I have my beard only to use it to hide my double chin.

    Now you bring up an interesting point too... “by nature or choice” when it comes to being feminine. I think you should be however you want to be. But I hate this idea that you have to be a certain way to be gay enough, or whatever. Like I’m super campy but I’ve always been that way. Even when I was way in the closet. It just oozes out my pores. I was the kid wearing my shirts on my head like it was hair singing in the brush the songs from the Bodyguard sound track... or climbing a later playing out the sene from Grease 2 for the song cool rider... these are just two examples of why everyone knew I was gay even when I wasn’t ready to accept it. I think when you force a fake personality to be gayer it’s just as bad as faking to be more masc... it’s just sad people can’t just be.
     
  15. JaymzR1968

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    Agree - people should not have to act any way other than who they are...the sad part is, some feel they “have to” or are forced to act a certain way. I am who I am. And not hiding behind a facade of behavior that is not in sync with my true self.