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Asking People Out.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Myclosetisfull, Sep 13, 2017.

  1. Myclosetisfull

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    So, I know this topic has come up many, many times, but I have always found the advice (including my own) inadequate and therefore in my insanity I will try again, because even though it hasn't worked before there is a possibility it might now. HOW???

    I think about this, and realistically, I don't think it is possible to ask someone out without knowing for sure that they are bisexual or gay already without alienating them completely.
    Example: I theorectically ask out someone I am now loosely friends with, let's call him Cole. Cole is great, and he has never to my knowledge indicated any form of homophobia, not is he dating anyone. But on top of the fact it's already awkward to ask someone out, he could possibly either:
    A) misinterpret it as going out as friends B) actually be freaked out that a guy asked him out and be uncomfortable around me forever

    Granted it would be out of character for me to ask him to go on a friendly outing, but people mistake lots of things for other things because they are oblivious to other people's emotions. I think it is almost just as awkward to have it be misinterpreted as to actually say "like, you know, on a date..." After asking someone to go somewhere with you.

    I guess the only two solutions I can really postulate are to directly ask someone if they are interested unambigously with the idea of going out with you a date (which is essentially the first most normal scenario and also terrifying because when do you even do that), bring up the topic when out with the person on an excursion that you ask them to attend with you (at which point I would be terrified he would freak out and leave ruining the entire experience...), or ask them their sexual orientation and then if they respond positively proceed as planned (also awkward and terrifying).

    Honestly, I'm not of the opinion that anyone can even have some miracle way of asking someone out... it will ultimately be awkward and probably publicly humiliating if someone turns you down because it's probable they will tell people and you will forever have a void between you...

    So does anyone have some real advice on how you overcome the barrier of fear, not of the rejection itself, but of the awkwardness that follows, the rumors that will rush around school, etc? It will just make things a lot harder if it becomes awkward to talk to a large group of my friends simply because I asked one of them out and they said no...

    Additionally, how am I supposed to flirt with a guy, in a way that is technically acceptable so that they don't feel wronged if they are straight... I don't think it is fair to have to not try and hit on people just because I am attracted to the less common gender. And I'm sure I have said, with my formerly unwavering conviction, that you have to just learn to do it regardless, but now that it is possible it has become infinitely more daunting of a prospect.
     
  2. Gravity

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    If you haven't come out to him, you could try that first. That might be an equally daunting prospect, but think of it this way - in the process of clearly asking him out, you'd effectively be coming out to him anyway. :slight_smile: Plus, if you come out to him first, that gives him a chance to come out to you as whatever he might be. If you two are both comfortable talking and acknowledging not being straight, that would be one hurdle behind you.

    I wouldn't suggest just asking him about his orientation without coming out to him first - while people might do this if they are absolutely sure the other person is gay, even in that case I would recommend coming out at the same time. Asking and not communicating your own orientation could be vastly misinterpreted - it may make them feel defensive, and they might not even tell you the truth.

    So, if you're okay with it, come out, and see where the friendship goes. No harm in getting to know him a little better before asking him out, right?
     
  3. Bootch

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    In my opinion....what will be, will be, my friend. When you're interacting with other people, you are not in total control of how it will turn out, you're only in control of how you're reacting to the situation. Things can get awkward, awful, amazing, sad, terrifying, exhilarating, it's just a part of life. Have a good sense of humor about it. If things get awkward, so what? Don't overthink it. Maybe it helps to know that you are not the only one dealing with possible rejection / awkward situation. I certainly used to think I was the only one. Whenever somebody approaches or flirts with someone, they are taking a risk of things being awkward, yes, they are! Even that hot guy over there at the bar who seem like he can do no wrong.
     
  4. Tallen

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    We are living in a new era where being LGBT isn't such a big deal any more. Great strides have been made to acquire our right to exist and prosper. Who would have ever believed that Same Sex Marriage would be legal in the USA!!! As time marches forward ones sexual orientation is becoming less and less important in our society, it will take time for the biases and ignorances of some to pass into obscurity but presently coming out isn't as big a deal as it use to be. Like you said there are two out comes to coming out, they will either accept you or reject you, its the chance we take to find out where they are at.

    I have found that people who know us pretty well already have some kind of intuition of our sexual orientation and if they choose to continue to hang out with us it means they really don't care if we are gay. I suspect that if you have had any social activities with this guy and he hasn't avoided you, he more than likely already has some kind of intuition about your sexual orientation and is OK with it.

    In my experience in getting to know someone I find some similarity that we share and approach them. I go to a gym everyday and in the gym are lots of men with tattoo's, I also have tattoos, what a great ice breaker to say to a guy where did you get your ink? They will stop immediately to talk to you, during the conversation its kind of like two dogs sniffing each other :blush: you get a chance to find out more about the guy. if they seem to be in no rush to move on and if the conversation moves beyond the original subject its more than likely they have a basic interest in knowing more about me as I do them. You never know where such conversations can take you.

    Find a common interest that you both share and open up a conversation with the guy and see what happens. If the guy seems interested in talking to you it will present a great opportunity to ask him if he would like to hang out. He just might say yes!
     
    #4 Tallen, Sep 14, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2017
  5. Myclosetisfull

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    My sexual orientation is not really a secret, I would not be surprised if he knew, but there is a big difference for some people between someone liking them in that way and liking other people.
     
  6. OGS

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    I have to say I feel like you are overthinking it a bit, OK a LOT. I've been out for twenty-five years and, well let's just say I'm not shy. I've asked out a lot of people and been asked out by a lot of people and I've literally never had any kind of disaster. Sure people have said no. My gaydar's pretty impeccable but I did once end up asking a guy out at the gym who turned out to be straight. Even he was flattered. I don't think it's worth it to live in fear--imho you'll miss more good than bad.
     
  7. Quantumreality

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    Hey Myclosetisfull,

    I generally agree with OGS. In the longrun, you just have to be you and be upfront.

    In my experience, I've never approached and asked out a straight guy who was generally anything other than confused by what I was asking or somewhat flattered that I would ask him out on a date. Never hostile or violent. And I've taken straight friends to gay clubs after explaining to them that they may be 'solicited' by gay guys (who, of course, 'assume' that since they are in a gay club, that they are 'fair game') and how to respond (I told them to just be firm that they weren't interested, but certainly not to get upset nor violent simply because another guy considered them attractive).

    Now at your age and with your peers, it's hard to say how he might react if you simply asked him out.

    So, why not approach this from a side-angle? Talk to him about hanging out. Try to get a feel about his acceptance (or lack thereof) of LGBTQ people. And, then, if all things point towards at least acceptance. Make sure you Come Out to him directly. (Unfortunately, you can't simply assume that he knows your sexuality even if it is 'common knowledge' amongst your classmates. I know.That sucks. But more often than not we end up having to essentially Come Out time and time again over our lifetimes simply because most people still assume we are straight until/unless we make it clear otherwise.) To that end, maybe you could buy and wear a rainbow wristband at school?

    But, back to my main point. Try just making friends with him and finding real reasons to hang out. After all, if you don't have common interests/hobbies that can just be a basis for being friends, why would you think that the two of you have any real, long-term romantic prospects. And, to be blunt, if all you are interested in is hooking up with him, you don't need to go through this kind of process. BUT, if you think that he might have long-term BF potential for you, you certainly need to get to know him quite well as a person, don't you think?

    Let me be even more blunt, since I think that this is something that you may not realize, but certainly would want to understand. It is a tangent from what you are asking, but I think that it may be relevant in the longrun. Sex is sex, but love takes things to a different level. Generally speaking, any of us can technically 'perform' sexually with another human being. But, unless you have a real connection with that person, in my opinion, you are simply 'getting off.' But to experience a true, in your groin orgasm (which is very different from simply ejaculating, which you can easily do by masturbating), you have to have a deeper emotional connection/feeling/understanding/reality.

    My thoughts.
     
  8. Myclosetisfull

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    I actually know him fairly well from freshmen year but we after we stopped having classes together we didn't talk a ton (both of us tend to be eternally swamped by schoolwork and extracurricular activities). That said, I'm sure that you are probably right. Rekindle friendship first if I'm looking to actually date him in the long term.

    I don't think we lack mutual interests, there are plenty of things I could invite him to do, but I feel wierd reinitiating a friendship that kind of just faded out a bit with the intention or desire for something else and not being upfront about it.
    Part of the problem, I'm sure, is also that I'm not exactly sure what I want... I have never been in a real relationship or hooked up with a friend so I really don't know which I would prefer. All I can really say is we share a significant amount in common with our lives and interests (though he is more of a sports enthusiast than I am), and that I'm sure I would enjoy doing both sexual and romantic things with him.

    As for people's reactions to asking them out, idk, there are definitely people that would just be flattered and most of my friends are that way I think but it still makes me nervous.
     
  9. Quantumreality

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    Hey Myclosetisfull,

    You're a very intelligent young man. Just don't overthink this. If you want to regain his friendship, then do so. If your overall motive is because you are attracted to him as potential BF material, then you just have to walk carefully. Coming Out to him directly can be VERY significant. It has certain implications, depending on his own sexuality, but it also does not directly imply anything directly about your own sexuality.

    Honestly, dude, these kinds of conversations are not generally easy, regardless of the genders of the individuals involved. Unfortunately, our current society tends to make things less of an issue (especially in terms of rejection) between opposite-sex people versus same-sex people. So, yeah, whenever we ask someone of the same sex out - whether to 'hang out', on 'a date' or for whatever clearly personal reason (as opposed to simply, platonically enjoying their company), we take risks.

    A quick story. No names or specific details, of course. I was at a bar one time (a 'straight' bar) with two of my straight friends. I made eye contact with another guy in the bar and we, subtly flirted for much of the evening before he finally came over to our table. He asked if he could "join in" with us (as opposed to saying "join you guys" or "join the table". Which was a huge clue to me and a comment that went over my friends' heads. So I quickly told him that he was 'barking up the wrong tree.' He left our table and my straight friends wanted to know what had happened - not that they cared if this guy joined us at our table, they just didn't understand the conversation that this guy and I had had in front of them and why it seemed like I had been very uncharacteristically rude to the guy. I, embarrassingly explained to them, that I had made signals to invite the guy over, but he had misconstrued things, assuming, that we were a threesome and wanted to be a fourth. That wasn't the case, of course. My friends weren't romantically or sexually interested in him and, frankly, I don't do group sex at all. My straight friends thought that it was pretty funny, in retrospect, after I explained it to them. Me, not so much. It wasn't really funny at all.

    For whatever that's worth....:slight_smile:
     
    #9 Quantumreality, Sep 15, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2017