1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Asking for Space...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by pinklov3ly, Dec 27, 2015.

  1. pinklov3ly

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2012
    Messages:
    1,445
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Musty Mitten
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    So, I have been dating this guy, who I used to work; however, he's since then switched jobs and moved to a different city, which is about 30 minutes away give or take. We see each other as much as possible, but due to our different work schedules, it is rather difficult sometimes. Also, I should mention the fact that when we first met, he was under the impression that I was gay. However, since then, I've cleared things up and have reassured him that I am not gay, but bisexual instead.

    Fast forward months later, I started talking to a girl from work, who I found out was interested in me, and well the feelings are mutual. I really wanna see where things go with her, but I'm a little afraid. I mean, my boyfriend has given me permission to date a girl, but I don't think he fully understands what it actually means to be bisexual. I think that he thinks that it is ALL about sex when it's not; there's much more to it, but getting him to understand has been exasperating :bang:

    I really care about him, but being who I am is extremely important to me, and I just feel like he will never understand. I don't want to break up with him because I love him so much. We've even discussed moving in together next year, but I can only imagine how things will end up once that happens. I honestly feel like he will probably change his mind about being okay with me dating a woman as well.

    Not only that, two people who are extremely close me recently told me that I'm different when I am around him. They feel like I'm more reserved, not as open about and sadly, they are right, which brings me here.

    I guess I just need more time to figure out if he's the one that I want in my life and long term. Because I refuse to sacrifice who I am, again just to make someone else happy. I did it with my last relationship and I promised myself that I'd put myself first then him and I. Any advice is greatly appreciated, thanks :slight_smile:
     
    #1 pinklov3ly, Dec 27, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2015
  2. Gen

    Gen
    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2012
    Messages:
    4,070
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Nowhere
    Ultimately, it depends on the type of relationship that is expected here. Does he expected to have a relationship that is sexually free, but romantically monogamous? What do you desire out of all of this?

    Yes, many straight men do downplay female sexual; however, if he is under the impression that the relationship that he shares with a woman will be at least emotionally monogamous then of course he wouldn't assume that them being involved with other women sexually should be taken seriously. Under those dynamics, he would assume that it is only physical for her and her heart is still only with him. There are open relationships that are strictly sexually open and there are open relationships that are completely open. You both have to get on the same page about which it is that you expected to have.

    Additionally, I would also consider the difference between wanting an open relationship and not being sure of what you want. If you are dealing with this emotional crisis and you are unsure who you truly want to be with, then that is less of an issue of monogamy and more of an issue of not being satisfied.
     
  3. pinklov3ly

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2012
    Messages:
    1,445
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Musty Mitten
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Honestly, I am not satisfied emotionally. I feel like the person that I am with I should be able to be myself, talk about anything A-Z and without feeling ashamed, but I do. I was really taken aback when my sister and her boyfriend told me that I am not myself around him. I laughed, but it also made me sad because they noticed that I act the same way around my ex boyfriend.

    I guess I sort of downplay just how much I like women in fear of them thinking that I am gay.

    Being emotionally satisfied is MORE important to me than sexual gratification and well, I feel like there's something missing; hence, wanting space to clear my head :icon_redf
     
    #3 pinklov3ly, Dec 28, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2015
  4. Gen

    Gen
    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2012
    Messages:
    4,070
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Nowhere
    Then that is different and calls for a honest discussion with him. Whether it ends with more space or calling things off, there is clearly something that needs to be done here. Otherwise, everything will only be dragged out and the issues will intensify.
     
  5. resu

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2013
    Messages:
    4,885
    Likes Received:
    290
    Location:
    Oklahoma City
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    You might reevaluate whether you care for him as a romantic partner or just a friend. If others are noticing you are acting reserved, then it's only a matter of time before he picks up on it.
     
  6. Bibliovian

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2015
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Honestly I think space might be a good call. If you're unsure of the relationship as is, my typical response is to decide what that means for this relationship before going outside the relationship to explore other options.

    But that's totally hypocritical because I was married, discovered my needs weren't met on a number of levels, came out as gay, and started dating the lady folk... ::shrugs:: life is so complicated. I hope you find happiness where ever the journey takes you.
     
  7. bookreader

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2014
    Messages:
    2,748
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Suburbs
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Yeah, you need to talk to him and clear this out.
     
  8. jamerican

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2014
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Thanks for posting. I'm in a similar situation where I'm not myself when I'm with him. I also feel we lack an emotional connection. I'd love to hear what you decided to do.
     
  9. pinklov3ly

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2012
    Messages:
    1,445
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Musty Mitten
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey, thanks for all the feedback. Sadly, I never got the chance to talk to him about how I feel because of the holidays, and I didn't want to be responsible for ruining his holiday.

    I'm not really sure how to start the conversation off because I'm the most awkward person ever. Any suggestions?
     
  10. jamerican

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2014
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I'm not the best at this since I have very little experience as well. I'm also not very good at constructive criticism. My approach was going to be honest and straightforward. The reason is because I've made statements in the past regarding my feelings. I'm not sure if he's fully understood or not but for my emotional wellbeing and to be fair to him, I must let him know. Something I never planned on is finding myself in a situation where he loves me more than I love him. :icon_sad::help:
     
  11. bookreader

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2014
    Messages:
    2,748
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Suburbs
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I would start off the conversation with something like, "I feel like you're not giving me space, or, Can you give me space because I would like to be alone?