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Ashamed of the closet / coming out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by PrettyBoyBlue, Jul 25, 2022.

  1. PrettyBoyBlue

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    Has anybody else ever felt ashamed of having been closeted, or ashamed of even having to come out? It's become a roadblock for me that I'm trying to start addressing.

    It feels like my entire young adult life has been bookended by shame: I became very angry and upset about being a "f*ggot" when I was an older teenager, and now I'm very upset about having ever been in the closet in the first place, and especially for so long.

    I really hate to admit this, but my first tendency any time I'm upset or embarrassed is to gaslight the absolute sh*t out of people. (Thankfully, I usually don't act on that tendency.) I NEVER want to be wrong, and I NEVER want to feel that kind of shame again, I don't care what it is. I just want to make it all go away at all costs. I don't want it to ever be a topic of discussion or gossip, I just want to get back onto the path I was traveling before I wildly careened off it, no questions asked. I always think that coming out is about getting rid of shame, but for me it feels like it would just create even more.

    I don't really know what I'm looking for here, I apologize... I'm trying not to ask the same questions over and over again, because I've touched a little on this previously. I just don't know what to do about this feeling. I want to be out more than I want to come out, so I'm trying to work on that in the meantime at least.
     
    #1 PrettyBoyBlue, Jul 25, 2022
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2022
  2. BiGemini87

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    I definitely get where you're coming from; I was frustrated with myself for not acknowledging it sooner for a long time, and any time I think about having to come out to any new people in my life, I experience discomfort--not in my orientation, but in doing anything that others might interpret as attention-seeking.

    All I can tell you is to be kind to yourself: let yourself feel your feelings, but then work through them to the best of your ability. Remind yourself that you only did what you needed to at the time to survive in a world that can oftentimes be cruel to those who are different. You did the best you could under the circumstances and you've grown (and continue to grow) from the experience.

    You'll get there when you're ready. I promise.:slight_smile:
     
    #2 BiGemini87, Jul 25, 2022
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2022
  3. PrettyBoyBlue

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    Thanks @BiGemini87, that makes me feel better. I have that same feeling about "attention-seeking" as well. I certainly hope I'll get there... Really appreciate your kind words.
     
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  4. Aeolia

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    If being in the closet feels shameful, maybe look at it like it's a video game. The time you spend in it is not you being wrong, it's simply you grinding. You're grinding until you have the strength (and sometimes the safety nets) to come out.

    Also, you don't need to make it a big deal. You could also not hide it. Like, you don't need to tell people your orientation. You can live your life and people may figure it out or not from the way you act or the people they see you dating. If they began gossiping and calling you gay, like duh. They would simply be stating a fact. And if they ask personal stuff or try to bring it up, you can say you don't want it to be a topic.
    Though that's assuming people would mostly act in good faith towards you. It's not a perfect solution, cause there aren't any, but it may be an unperfect solution that works for you.

    There can be some situations in which you never address it, like at work. You're working, you're a professional, any question about your romantic/sexual life is out of place.
     
    #4 Aeolia, Aug 20, 2022
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2022
  5. Bastion

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    Some good and solid advice has been written so far. I don’t know if I can add more to help since I don’t really have much experience of coming out per say. It was assumed. So the people I hung out with at a certain time never kind of discussed this actually or they did but not with me. Everyone just assumed. Which to think about is kinda weird. In some ways it was easier for me. Because I just decided and went along with it and they did not mention it. Now thinking about it some more I think it’s because I am bi. So I can pass straight or both. That’s why they were comfortable with me.
    Which brings me actually to the same point @Aeolia was making earlier


    Except I wasn’t dating anyone. I just had to experience being with lgbtq people. It was essential for me at the time. And most likely it still is. I just have to be more ready and put my life in perspective and order before I continue the journey.

    I wish you the best of luck and am rooting for you all the way. You’ve got this!
     
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  6. Redmelon

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    Not sure if this is helpful, I was ashamed and scared of being bisexual for most of my life and tried to ignore it, then as I got older I was more ashamed that I had stayed in the closet for so long. I wanted to tell people but I felt silly, I don't know any members of the LGBTQ community and I thought most people came out much younger than myself, and I didn't want people thinking I switched sides because I'd had a difficult marriage, the older I got the worse I felt. In truth it's nobody's business, but I wanted to come out for me. At the moment I am out to a small number of family and one friend. No one so far has made a big deal about it. I know it wont always be this calm, but I am happy that I have taken the first steps.
     
  7. Gayhusband

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    I totally understand. I’m in the same position. It’s frustrating
     
  8. PJ208

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    What a wonderful and thoughtful response. You are so right, self-compassion is the greatest of all lessons that we can all be of benefit.
     
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  9. PrettyBoyBlue

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    I'm just getting back to all of your replies after a brief hiatus; Thank you all so much, I've read through them all. I often go back and re-read these bookmarked threads later too, when I need some encouragement.
     
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  10. Warrior999

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    Shame. Guilt. Anger. The closet is many things, but none of them are good, healthy or productive. But conversely, what options do people have? People in the west (that too a subsection in it) may find it relatively easier to come out, but that’s not the case in the vast majority of the world. If someone is born in an Islamic nation like Saudi Arab, coming out can be a free ticket to get stoned. Coming from a Muslim family, I’m not out to my extended family and nor do I see a reason to come out to them. But I’m out to my immediate family and some people in Canada. As terrible as the closet is, one should think twice before coming out. I’m not saying one should live in closet forever, but make sure you can handle the reaction you will get after coming out.
     
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