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Ashamed because I'm submissive

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Lupin, Aug 22, 2020.

  1. Lupin

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    Hi I hope this is the correct section to post this and that someone maybe has been in a similar situation and knows some advice.

    I'm openly gay and luckily from a very supportive family. I've been with several guys but mostly casual stuff.

    I don't mind casual hookups. I enjoy them.

    The issue I have is that I can't bring myself to have penetrative intercourse.

    It's not that I'm scared of it or that I don't want it. I've been fantasizing about it for years.

    I think my issue is that for some reason I'm ashamed of my needs and desires. I'm very submissive. I have very explicit sexual fantasies.

    I can't bring myself to give into my fantasies and desires because I'm ashamed of them.

    No matter how many times I tell myself that my fantasies are normal, it's not getting any better.
     
  2. LaraB

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    Hi Lupin! That doesn’t seem unusual or weird at all, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes it would be great to have e a partner who knows exactly what they want! Welcome to the forum :blush:
     
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  3. PatrickUK

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    I think many gay men who are sexually submissive (or even simply outright bottoms) experience problems with shame and self acceptance. Why? It's because the idea of always submitting to and/or being penetrated by another man feeds into societal stereotypes about sexual norms and perceptions of masculinity. It's so prevalent that many gay men who really have no desire to penetrate their partner do so anyway and label themselves as 'versatile' in order to avoid the need to confront yet another issue. Yes, we can do all the personal work on accepting the emotional side of our sexuality, only to find ourselves coming up against obstacles as we think about the physical side. Does any of this resonate with you?

    On a conscious level you probably know that most people have sexual fantasies, including some which may be quite explicit. Sometimes our fantasies are more exciting because they are just that - fantasies. Were we to indulge our fantasies we may find ourselves feeling very differently about them, so do consider that point too.

    The key thing is that most of your encounters so far have been casual hook ups. If you have sexual fantasies that you wish to explore you'd probably be better (and safer) indulging them in a long term relationship where mutual trust and understanding exists.
     
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  4. Contented

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    I think Patrick summarized it quite well. Shame and heteronormative programming skew the idea of what masculinity should be for each of our unique personalities. We are not all the same especially in regards to our sexuality and it is almost criminal that we are told we must behave sexually in a certain way or it is not acceptable. One must be free to be who they are. I for one was living with this misguided toxic masculinity even after I first came out. I wanted bottom in the worst way but was afraid that someone would think I was a submissive femme. Not sure who that someone might have been or why I cared. As I became more comfortable I decided I was versatile just not have the label of a bottom. Luckily I had a boyfriend that was understanding and helped accept that bottoming had nothing to do with whether or not I was masculine but rather what I wanted out of our sexual relationship. Slowly I got over the so called stigma and accepted I my preference was bottoming. I still on occasion topped but more often than not I was totally comfortable as a bottom. The adjective submissive never really entered into it any longer nor had any meaning.
     
    #4 Contented, Aug 24, 2020
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2020
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  5. don72tx

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    I will say that i am both a bottom and a submissive, but I did not realize my submissiveness for many years. In fact it was a woman who first told me that i was really a submissive deep down and I figured out that i really was. Even before that though I knew I was a bottom and with the first man that i was with he penetrated me and i loved it. Before that i had been with involved with several of my friends when i was younger, but that all fondling with some oral play. I have never associated being a bottom with being feminine which I am definitiely not. I do not have a preference or desire with topping a partner or penetrating him and have only done that a single time. It may sound strange, but I have not always connected being a bottom and being a submissive together. For me those are separate things, but maybe that is just me.
     
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  6. JessNC

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    Thanks for sharing, Lupin. I expect things will become more for you given how seriously you are engaging your issues. I also agree with what has been mentioned about how you might feel about things--and what you are willing to do--in a relationship.

    It took me some time to accept my desire for bottoming as well as the pleasure being submissive brings for me. In each case, connecting with someone who wanted those things from me--and was willing to ask for them--made all the difference. And while the two things aren't the same, they both can suggest passivity or vulnerability which are more often associated with the woman side of a traditional wo/man binary. So many boundaries to cross when one steps outside the heteronormative sexuality bubble!

    Be patient with yourself.
     
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  7. out2019

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    I haven't 'done anything' yet but I used to ashamed and still suffer some shame about wanting to penetrated. When I started to finally accept that I was gay, I started to allow myself to have romantic fantasies as well. Once I did that, the idea of making love to a man I loved that way not only became super intense but super desirable. No one put this idea in my head I started to realize its how I naturally want to experience intimacy with someone I love. It's not a sign of being weak or submissive, it's an expression of love.
     
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  8. Lupin

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    Hey, thanks for the replies, they're very helpful!

    For me it's kind of difficult to sort this out in my head because I come from a rather liberal and accepting family who never shamed me for liking 'girl stuff'. I was always quite confident in my lack of masculinity. When I came out as gay everyone was cool with it or at least accepting.

    I think the bottom part itself isn't even the problem. But I'm not sure

    I think it's more everything around it. I'm not sure how explicit I'm allowed to be here so I won't go into detail. It's the way I imagine myself behaving in a situation like that which causes these feelings of shame.

    It probably also has to do with control. I'm a control freak. Which is probably also the reason why I'm single. Romantic feelings freak me out.
     
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  9. out2019

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    I think I know what you mean. Sometimes I have fantasies of being 'taken' but really isn't all making love about 'letting go' and being vulnerable?

    Do we really think less of women because they are 'penetrated' during sex? I more think of it as becoming one.
     
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  10. Robyn mac

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    Hi Lupin Well I am all three .I am bottom, submissive and have a bit of a femine side. I enjoy all of me. There is no reason to be ashamed. Stand proud and realise you are you and know what you like. It takes a good and smart person to know what they like in bed. It may take years to discover but be who you like. I bottom because it gives me great pleasure. Im submissive because I enjoy giving my partners pleasure without care of my own. Femine side I take hrt for breast developement..
    Try it you may like it or not. The only person beside you to know is your partner. There is no shame in that . Live and enjoy life.
     
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