When I first starting questioning my sexuality I thought I was maybe asexual but decided to not use this label as I wanted to experience sex and thought that I just hadn’t met the right person. Anyway my therapist bought this up last week and her understanding is that someone is asexual if they aren’t interested in sex but my understanding was that it was to do with sexual attraction. I’ve never looked at anyone and felt sexually attracted to them or at least I don’t think I have. I would say I would have to get to know them and trust them etc first, before having sex. Which I understand is demisexual. So I find it hard to know who I am without having never felt this so called sexual attraction in real life. I probably look at women more than men but maybe that’s because there are just more women around where I am at the time? I can look at both and think he or she is attractive but probably notice things re women more re smile, style etc Any thoughts?
Asexuality, as 'medically' defined is the lack of sexual attraction AND lack of sexual desire. Many online communities will see it as a either a lack of sexual desire OR a lack of sexual attraction. To determine if you're asexual, it really needs to be done by process of elimination, whereby asexuality is the only remaining option. For example, if you've faced abuse or have a deep hatred of the sex(es) your attracted to, then this is probably the reason. Asexuality is really quite rare, 0.5% estimated, but those being misled by simply 'a lack of sexual desire' from online communities bring up this estimation. Demisexuality isn't really a 'sexuality', it's just describing how one experiences it. 'Demisexuality' is actually quite common, and in many societies is mostly expected by (straight) women. So it isn't a minority experience anyway.
I agree with the above post that asexuality is lack of sexual desire way more than simple attraction. IMO, I think asexuals can have a physical sex drive and be ace, because that is a biological function that no one has a choice in. But there would never be a desire toward actual people or the act itself. I think of asexuality like sports. Personally, I hate sports....but I may be willing to go if my partner loved them and wanted me there. If I went, I could enjoy the fact that I made my partner happy. But I would never seek out sports on my own, and would automatically turn into a sports fan if I went to a game on my own free will. I'm not really sexually attracted to most people either and have a low sex drive, so it can be easy to feel confused if feel like you don't match up with the norm.
Ok so I would say I do have the desire to have sex but haven’t met anyone that I’m sexually attracted too or at least I don’t think I have. I can get aroused and orgasm but feel that I’m not turned on enough as I don’t come all the time or I give up. I’m hoping that meeting someone I’m actually into will help this and I will be a lot more aroused. Sorry if that’s tmi. So in conclusion I would say I’m not ace. So if you haven’t felt sexual attraction how do you know what you are? My head is none stop thinking about women but this I feel is all fantasy and not real life so I doubt this as being truth of my sexuality. However if I was thinking about guys all the time then I would think this is normal. All this thinking has only really starting the last year as I felt I didn’t really know who I am. Before that I just coasted along not really thinking about sex etc but hoping that everything would just happen and I would know who I am that way but it didn’t so now feel I’ve wasted too many years.
I feel like lesbians and bi women are more likely to use the word demisexual because they are raised to believe that female homosexuality is over sexualized and that all of us want to bang every woman we see. In reality this is not true at all, plenty of women of any sexuality are not turned on by random strangers. But society doesn't allow lesbians the same feelings because we are treated like porn objects. I have felt sexually attracted to people before, but it is very rare. I can count on one hand the number of people I have been attracted to sexually. Sometimes you just get to grow attached to someone before it can happen.
I use to think I was asexual and wasn't really insterested in sex, so maybe I can give some perspective. It is not the norm to feel spontaneous attraction or go "Whoa, sweet mama! Please do me now!". Sexual attraction is a mix of things from physical elements to emotional elements to relational elements to speak very broadly. So it is normal to only be interested in sex when there is an established bond/relationalship. Also your current mood, hormones, beliefs, mental health, etc can dampen or highten your sexual desires. With that said, when there isn't a bright neon sign indicating your sexuality... it's the little things that are a give away. It's when you get nervous because somone is too close. It's when you want to get in someone's space. It's when you want to spend every moment together. It's when your smile and laughter are at their brightest. It's that desire to touch or kiss. It's what you can't take your eyes off of. It's when you feel giddy or happiest. It's also the subtle happiness and wanting to know more about someone new. Its what motivates you get closer. It is what you makes you really uncomfortable. It's what makes you blush. Sometimes it's what you can't bare to look at. It's what makes your inside jumbled. It is what you can't take your mind off of. It is what you fantasy about. It is what turns you on. It doesn't happen all at once. It's not about wanting sex in those moments either. It's about the "pull" or the "stirring" of emotions, because these are attractions. Yeah, sometimes it takes a special somone to help bring it out all the way. It did for me. I also had to address shame for me to want sex. I've been out to myself for over a year. I honestly don't think I've met anyone and thought I wanted sex with them except for a beloved friend. There was a time I felt like kissing a friend, there are times I'm nervous/excited at the site of someone, I can become aroused by sexual imagery, and I do imagine having sex with certain characters. That's mostly the extent of the "extremes" the other stuff is more subtle. I saw a girl today. When I stopped to pay her attention I noticed she was my "type" (cute bum, red hair, etc) but I felt absolutely nothing. Could be that I was just tired, but the reality is sexual attraction doesn't always kick in. If she was in a sexy bikini, I may have had more of a reaction (possibly a heart attack). Even then, I still would not want want sex with her. But I recognize that if I get flustered by a girl it is because I am sexually attracted to women. Dose that make sense? If I got to know that girl, found we have a lot in common, that she has a wonderful personality, and started to date ...wanting sex may become a reality. Sexual attraction starts off small and eventually leads you to wanting sex. Sexual attraction isn't always sparked by physical appearances either. I normally feel emotional attraction first which leads me to feel like that personsl is physically attractive. Hope this helps.
Thanks @cinnamonbunny for your reply. I think that has been my problem thinking that if I was gay then there would be a huge neon sign and it would be obvious so have missed or ignored the smaller things and have treated them as being insignificant.
It was my problem too I could always dismiss all the insignificant stuff because "I didn't actually want sex". I was looking for solid proof myself. Even when I was trying to be honest with myself it was confusing. It wasn't until I met the one beloved friend that there was a massive pile of insignificance that I couldn't deny it anymore when faced with it. What helped me was writing out a list of any possible indication I was not straight. Any insignificant thing. From childhood to the time I was questioning. When I read the list back to myself, it was a pivotal moment of understanding.
What helps also is trying to fantasize about random scenarios. If in your head, you like the idea of sex with women but have never been sexually attracted TO a specific woman....you are probably a lesbian who hasn't met the right person. If you can't imagine anything, have no fantasies, no attractions, nothing, probably ace.
Great information here. The challenge has been that a small but vocal group of folks have put forth various definitions that are hard to pin them down because the unrecognized definitions are a constant moving target that has no basis in any study, research, or other clinical validation. "demisexuality" is basically what probably half of the population experiences: They don't feel attraction or connection until they get to know someone. Nothing remotely unusual about that, and certainly nothing requiring its own special label. The challenge with the asexual label is as someone described it above: It's really a rule-out thing, and (at least according to the widely accepted definition) affects a tiny portion of the population, and is permanent, hardwired, and unchanging, just as hetero and homosexuality are. I feel like often the desire to find some sort of special, unrecognized label is counterproductive, in that you end up having to explain it to everyone anyway, which defeats the purpose of labeling in the first place. For the most part, simply being yourself, without worrying about what label fits, is far more important.
to be honest i use to think that i was asexual until i came out as trans it all started to make sense once i started dressing comfortable. then i fell in love with the guy that use to bullied me in middle school everything all seem nice and bright i kinda did still though that i was asexual until i started having a few interesting dreams about this guy i realize at that moment that i maybe was not asexual. i guess why i thought that i was asexual to be honest it was because i never thought about being in a relationship with any one before maybe it was because of how bad my anxiety was i'm glad to say it's gotten a little better. i guess what was the deal breaker for me was when i had my first time with the guy that bullied me ok at least he apologize for doing it. me and this guy did end up breaking up and it was not due to me being trans i guess i realize that he was still the same guy that picked on me in middle school what i'm trying to say is the relationship was emotional abuse and physical abuse and what hurt me the most is the facted that i thought he love me but i guess not. omg maybe thats why i had that dream about being murder by some one i loved and trusted. trust me when i say this i was over the hills for this guy crazy in love ): and he was so hot. one thing what i can say is think to him i was able to realize that i was not asexual . and the end it was a winwin i guess
I have played out loads of scenarios in my head, my mind just seems to wonder all the time. I don’t think I have dreams but something is usually playing out as I wake up. I never had this before though which is why I keep thinking its not real.
I’ve just come back from a therapy session and she spoke to her supervisor who suggested that I go have my hormone levels checked to see if there was anything genetic that may explain my lack of feelings etc. I have pcos have been on the pill for 15 years but can’t say if I noticed any difference over the years or not but did mention this to a doctor before who just dismissed it but she said try again with a different doctor. So I was just curious, the people who are asexual do they normally have a hormone imbalance etc are there any actual medical conditions?
I feel like having a hormone imbalance affects people of every sexuality. It's actually probably the most common in sexual people. Asexuals can have normal hormones and a regular sex drive, but it is not directed toward human beings. So checking out hormones before labeling is always important.
Thanks I think it’s worth checking as I would say I have a low sex drive too. It’s making them listen which is the hard part! She did also mention androgynous to me Which I will research more about.
It's also possible that the usage of birth control is causing low sex drive. I use BC for medical reasons, but have noticed a huge drop in interest after being on it so long.
