Asexuality isn’t about finding sex *somewhat* scary and disgusting before your first time, is it?

Fun fact... I’ve always shared with my dad everything I’ve felt and not felt for women. So he basically thinks I’m (temporarily?) ace, even though he doesn’t know there’s a word for what he describes. That makes him complain about “What a shame you don’t like women! With your body...” (I’m extremely tall and I work out a lot) or insisting that I have to “rush”, or else “Mum and I will never have grandchildren, and that would devastate her”. Obviously, he doesn’t know what I feel for men... And I didn’t know/accept it until quite recently.

So, with this background, and thanks to some things I read online (that were a huge disservice), I spent several long periods of my teens and early twenties secretly identifying as asexual, aromantic, grey-A and blah. Now that I’ve grown up, I try to read more evidence-based material, but it is still hard to do so because this is not my field of expertise and I haven’t figured out where to get “good stuff” yet.

However, I still have a little voice in my head that sometimes whispers “Hey, maybe you’re ace”. And I think it’s due time for me to make it shut up for good. So I’m going to try to put into words what I currently think asexuality is and why I believe the little voice’s claims are baseless. If anyone has the time and energy to point out what’s right and what’s not, it will be greatly appreciated.


My understanding of what asexuality is

Spoiler

Asexuality is the complete and stable absence of any form of sexual desire. So an asexual person will never feel anything more intense than a friendship for anyone, and will always feel a strong sense of disinterest towards any sexual activity with anyone. A lack of (pleasant) sexual fantasies is also expected.

In addition, some sources say that it’s possible for aces to masturbate, which can only not be a logical absurdity if they do it as a form of “physical release” without thinking about anyone while doing it (but it still doesn’t make a lot of sense).

Finally, being asexual is something statistically infrequent (roughly a 1 % prevalence) and a label that no one should assume in their teens, since it might work as a self-fulfilling prophecy. In any case, the definition of asexual is not “anyone that identifies as asexual” (self-identification) and it’s not about celibacy either (it’s not a behavioural concept, but rather it has to do with attraction).

Why I believe I'm not asexual

Spoiler

These facts aren’t abnormal in a healthy allosexual person:

1. If I mentally dissect every small action of a sexual encounter and think about all the bodily fluids that are exchanged, the friction, the relaxation of sphincters, how many STDs exist and so on, sex starts to feel moderately disgusting. Not to the point of “I never want to do that”, but more like “Maybe I’ll try it and it’ll be gross”.

2. I don’t feel emotionally prepared for sex. If Mr Right knocked on my door now and told me that we can do anything I want, we’d probably end up cuddling for hours and nothing else. And although I feel like I want to be a bit promiscuous in the future, at the moment, doing anything with strangers is scary and intimidating. On top of that, I’m still not sure how I will feel after my first time — will I feel dirty? Will I regret it? Yet I want to try. After all, all the things that were scary at first that I’ve done turned out to be good decisions.

3. I have a former friend who is an openly gay male of my age. I know he had a crush on me some time ago and I also liked him a little bit. One day, I was visiting his city and I ended up sleeping in his apartment. He spoke many times about sex and part of what he said clearly sounded like testing the waters. Although I had previously fapped while fantasising about doing him, the imminence of the situation was absolutely terrifying. In the end, I was very relieved because nothing happened, probably because it was obvious that I was extremely nervous. That was more than a year ago, so I was further away from acceptance than now.

4. I feel no sense of urgency with respect to entering a relationship, having my first kiss, losing my virginity... Sure I want to experience love and physical intimacy while I’m still young, but I believe that I’ll recognise the right moment when it comes.


And these items are enough to prove that I’m not ace:

1. I’ve had, at least, two huge and undeniable crushes. They were crazy, overwhelming, with butterflies, and made my knees feel weak. I wanted to do unspeakable things with those boys.

2. I’ve masturbated around 1,200 times in my life. One quarter was with porn, and the experience was hot and enjoyable nearly always (with the good old post-orgasm guilt being due to internalised homophobia and religion). Three quarters were fuelled by my imagination (or sometimes by exploring a couple of kinks I have), mostly fantasising about doing dirty things with acquaintances, porn actors or men I’d seen in the street, class, locker rooms...

3. Speaking of which, I ogle men in the street, class, locker rooms...

4. Although I’ve never had sex with anyone (nor kissed nor held hands), the idea of it seems really hot. I got a big boner just by typing out the hypothetical situation about cuddling with Mr Right above.

As with my previous activity in EC, I feel that the research and thought process that produced this post is useful by itself, and I hope to get some replies to make the experience even more constructive!

 

Hi, Vesta. I've forced myself to stay away from EC for a while because I needed some time to sort things out by myself. I did read your reply in early June while logged out, and I'm really grateful for it. I wish I could pay you back with more than one like, but that's all I can give you.

I agree with your analysis. At least for my first time(s), I wouldn't feel comfortable unless it was with someone I trust a little bit. Plus, as I said, I'd want to go reeeeally slow (i.e., frustratingly slow, for a stranger).
Maybe it sounds a bit silly. But, hey, it's how I feel.

Yes, I perfectly know dad thinks there's something wrong with me in that respect. The funniest part is that he has lots of evidence to at least suspect I'm not straight, but he's great at not seeing what he doesn't want to see. And, in case you're wondering, it's not that he suspects and is giving me time to come out to him—considering some things he says, he clearly thinks that it's totally impossible that his son is gay/bi. It is unsurprising, given that he's very old fashioned and thinks that liking men necessarily means you're less masculine. He's a good man, but he grew up in a society that made him the way he is.

I'm painfully aware of that stereotype. As a man, I find it infuriating.

Thanks for the clarification. If that detail is the only thing I got wrong, it's a relief.


The moral of this thread is that I can make the voice shut up. It hasn't spoken for a month o so and, as I said, reading your post back then was really useful. Thanks again for your kindness!