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Asexual or Demi Ace?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Cosm1cNova, May 27, 2017.

  1. Cosm1cNova

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    Currently struggling with this I have decided to ask a forum which would probably know.

    I think I'm ace but at the same time I have a boyfriend, and I'm fine with having sex with him if he wanted, but at the same time I don't really feel comfortable with sex, and I know it feels great (i am a virgin but ive been fingered before) and if i lost him i would never be okay with sex ever again. I'm happy to do it for him if he wanted, but idk. any thoughts?
     
  2. Eveline

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    In my experience, sexual orientation can be a bit complicated when you are trans as gender dysphoria and the disconnect it often causes can reduce your sexual drive fairly drastically and can make you disgusted with the thought of having sex. Throughout my life, sex seemed weird and confusing to me, I felt sick thinking about it and anything related to it made me feel uncomfortable. Having a girlfriend also felt wrong to me and I found excuses to not dating. I didn't even realize what it meant to have eex until my early twenties. Despite this, I'm probably not asexual because I do feel attracted to women and could imagine myself enjoying sex after I tranditioned... :astonished:
     
    #2 Eveline, May 27, 2017
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  3. Mihael

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    I think you should ask on AVEN. It's a forum of asexual people and related orientations. To me it looks like you don't want sex on your own but of course for one I might be wrong, because people are more or less sexual - some people have completely crazy libidos, and some experience it in a milder, more toned down way. If someone is milder, it doesn't make them automatically asexual. Also, don't you ever actively want sex, even things that were not meant for your bits? That very well might be an issue.
     
  4. Winter Storm

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    It took me years to realize I was grey-ace. People around me would make claims like we're all sexual beings, and I honestly didn't "get it". I mean, yeah, I've had sex. Not generally feels nice. I'd say I have a pretty decent sex life, complete with orgasms, but it's not important to me. Sometimes it's more work than its worth.

    Looking back I would say I've only been sexually attracted to 2 people, and my husband isn't one of them. I am romantically attracted to him. Asexuals and grey or demi-sexuals have varying levels of libidos. Sexual arousal is different than sexual attraction. The main question is have you ever felt sexually attracted to anyone? Does this attraction happen right away or does it take time and a deeper bond before being attracted, as in Demi-sexual?

    Libido is secondary and varying. Being trans may complicate figuring out where you stand or what you feel, but I'm not really qualified to talk about that, since I lack experience in that area.
     
    #4 Winter Storm, May 27, 2017
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  5. enbybean

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    hi, friend! the best thing you can do right now is spend some time doing research, and talk to your boyfriend. open communication is really, really important and will save you so many issues moving forward. just trust me on this one.

    the asexual community can gatekeep a little bit sometimes, meaning that if you don't fit within a rigid description of ace (which generally means you don't have sex bc of your sexual orientation, and that's so not the experience of many many ace people), it can be hard to feel like you fit in. kinda how like gay/lesbian communities can be hypersexualized, this one seems to be... the complete opposite.

    i'm not exactly an active participant in it, although i do march with them at pride. ace/aro visibility is really, really important.

    asexuality is a spectrum as vast and as complex as the sexuality spectrum. there are a million different ways to be asexual and you don't have to prove yourself as ace in any way. just like bi people don't have to prove they're bi, and trans people don't have to prove that they're trans. (like, they shouldn't have to - you know what i mean).

    have sex if you want, call yourself ace if you want (or don't - it's your choice). the most important thing is that you're only doing things you're comfortable with and communicating with your bf (you don't have to come out, but talking about your feelings avoids so many potential problems).
     
  6. Chip

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    I couid not in good conscience recommend AVEN for much of anything... their information is pretty much all crowdsourced and does not appear to match the thinking by much of any professionals or researchers in the field.

    Determining where you fit on the spectrum of sexuality and sexual attraction is enormously complicated for someone who is trans. That said, if you find yourself enjoying fingering, and comfortable with the idea of having sex with your current boyfriend, then it would be hard to reconcile that with the widely accepted definition of asexual.

    Depending on where you are in the process of acceptance, whatever level of transition you intend, and other factors, most likely your ambivalence about your sexual arousal is tied in with those factors. So I guess one question I'd ask is... how is identifying the label that matches you serving you at present? If you are comfortable simply saying "it's evolving" that might be the most accurate description from what I'm hearing.

    If you find that you have ambivalent or complicated feelings about sex, that is also something that would be useful to discuss with a therapist... but it will need to be one who is completely comfortable with overt and graphic discussions of sex... which many are not. I do think it bears some exploration before deciding that you would never have sex with any other person; that sounds more psychological than the typical hardwired factors associated with asexuality (at least, according to the widely used definition.)

    I guess a more impo