Hi, great community! (This thread was originally posted in the Sexual Orientation Forum before I realized there was a better place for it). I usually don't start threads but here we are. My girlfriend thinks she might be on the asexual spectrum. More precisely, she thinks she identifies as 'fraysexual' and has some issues accepting this orientation. She recently started going to therapy to figure things out and for us to get some tools to navigate this as a mixed couple. In the meantime, as a sexual human being, I am looking for advice on how to be a great supportive partner for her. I do not want her to feel pressured nor do I want to change her. I keep telling her there is nothing wrong with her and that I am here, asexual or not. But I remain sexual, and even though I try, I am not in her shoes. Therefore I am reaching out to you fellow asexuals: How do you feel best supported by your partner in a mixed relationship? Thank you very much!
I’m not your intended responder because I’m not ace, but my wife is sex-repulsed asexual so I do have experience being on your side of the fence. The most important thing is communication. Know what she feels comfortable with, especially right now when she’s figuring out what that is and what it means, and then respect it, even if that means you don’t know if you’ll ever have sex again. On that note, be honest with yourself about your limits. Sexual compatibility is important to a lot of people in their relationships. If it’s not going to work out, then you should be aware of that before it gets to be too much. Also consider if you’d be interested in an open relationship and if that’s something you want to bring up with your girlfriend, if she would be comfortable with that. Consider treating it as an option and not an ultimatum.
Normally, I'm not this frank, but "fraysexual" is not a legitimate sexual orientation, and is actually not a sexual orientation at all. It is a trauma response that makes it difficult to engage in relationships. It has absolutely nothing to do with sexual orientation. In my experience with people like this, some may say, and genuinely believe, that they are perfectly happy. And sometimes this is true, but often this is a story they've essentially made up and convinced themselves of, because they do not know any other way to be... but deep down, they are profoundly unhappy, because they actually do want the deep, intimate, emotional connection most adults seek... because as humans, we are hardwired for it. The good news is, if she is willing to be curious about why she experiences others the way she does, and is willing to explore that with a therapist, she can absolutely work on it and address it. Now... the flip side of this is, if she is perfectly happy where she is, and has no desire to change, then there is nothing wrong and she need not do anything. The challenge you are going to have as her partner is that her trauma is going to make it very difficult for her to effectively sustain a relationship. The experiences she is having are a result of things that have happened to her in her past, most likely in her family of origin. Unless/until she gets help with those issues, the byproducts of her traumas will pop up in many different ways, and will likely make it difficult to sustain a healthy relationship. It's wonderful that you want to attend to her needs and ensure that she feels appreciated and supported... and at the same time, you must also look out for your own needs and desires. So in summing up, this may be something for both of you to consider in terms of what you really want.
Asexual folks don’t experience sexual attraction. That doesn’t mean that they don’t experience arousal or desire, just that any arousal or desire isn’t directed towards a specific person.
