I recently came across the following article summarizing work by numerous researchers in an attempt to briefly explain gay loneliness. Alan Downs, author of The Velvet Rage, is coincidentally reflected in the article whom I have a lot of respect for given his book is one of the few I read shortly following my sexual awakening which I found to be very helpful for me. Prior to reading this article I often had suggested, as just a regular gay guy with no research expertise whatsoever, there existed a form of gay purgatory (as reflected in some of my posts from a few years ago). Reading this article actually helped me connect some of the missing pieces and helped me better understand the drivers behind gay loneliness, a theme that is often discussed on EC. To me, my view of “gay purgatory” closely mirrors the underling themes involving gay loneliness. I like how the writer of the article attempts to explain the phenomenon by connecting gay loneliness to a form of post traumatic stress created from the time we spent in the closet prior to embracing our sexuality. In any event, it’s a lengthy article but seems to be an interesting read. https://highline.huffingtonpost.com/articles/en/gay-loneliness/
I read the entire article expecting it to be some generalized basic thing I've read before somewhere else. I was wrong. There were actually a lot of parts which hit really close to home for me. These ones in particular: "But the feeling of distance from other people didn’t go away. So he treated it, he says, “with lots and lots of sex. You convince yourself that if you’re having sex with someone, you’re having an intimate moment. That ended up being a crutch. He worked long hours. He would come home exhausted, smoke a little weed, pour a glass of red wine, then start scanning the hookup apps for someone to invite over. Sometimes it would be two or three guys in a row. “As soon as I closed the door on the last guy, I’d think, That didn’t hit the spot, then I’d find another one.” “I have moments when I want to feel desired and so I get on (app name),” Paul says. “I upload a shirtless picture and I start getting these messages telling me I’m hot. It feels good in the moment, but nothing ever comes of it, and those messages stop coming after a few days. It feels like I’m scratching an itch, but it’s scabies. It’s just going to spread.” That was pretty much my life for around 5 years, both when I thought I was straight and after discovering not being straight. It was extremely harmful and yet I still constantly want to go back to it, like a drug. It doesn't make any sense, but it's so hard to stop thinking that way. This is scarily accurate too: "Every gay man I know carries around a mental portfolio of all the shitty things other gay men have said and done to him."
This is scarily accurate too: "Every gay man I know carries around a mental portfolio of all the shitty things other gay men have said and done to him." Yep, when I was a really big guy, sitting on one side of the gay bar I was in, "I wonder if he could even feel it" was a fuckin nice thing to hear.
There certainly are quite a few relatable antidotes in the article. Having thought about the article some more, the article allowed me to reflect on where I was after embracing my sexuality and how far I have come along my journey. Even with all of the extrnal influences that have caused either PTSD, as the article puts it, or shame, as is probably better expressed, I grasped the proverbial “bull by the horn” and took responsibility for my own emotional well being. Having done hard work to manage shame and reconcile such external influences, I have found peace and dare I say fulfillment. I realize that such fulfillment is actually really in my own control.
“We often live our lives through the eyes of others”. To keep from being rejected, to try to be acceptable to others, because I couldn’t/can't accept myself. I’m still working on it. At the end of the day, making peace with who we are is the solution. I don’t conform to what the culture I grew in wanted of me and none of this shit would end until I take control of the situation and realize completely that that’s okay. Thank you for this article.
