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Are you able to stay friends with the same-sex people you pursue?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by caliwoman, Sep 12, 2016.

  1. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    I met a woman, we hit it off, loads of contact, physical contact, yada yada yada. But we're not on the same page and she rings alarm bells in my gut. Red flags flapping in the periphery, if you will.

    I did enjoy her friendship. I wonder if it's just me, though, who has difficulty downshifting from maybe more than friendship/dating/FWB, to a 100% platonic friendship.

    I was hurt by her and I was utterly confused as to her intentions when it came to us. That's not a good sign, as a romance should be smooth and easy in the beginning and one that shouldn't feel like work or walking on eggshells. After being deeply confused by her, I responded to her last few texts in a very kind way, but that did not leave much room for a reply and then didn't respond to her last one and essentially "ghosted" her. I feel awful and guilty. Why can't I easily downgrade to friendship? Am I being fair?

    It would hurt to be her friend and have to hear about any romantic interludes she may be having, I mean, she kinda kept leaving me confused if she hooked up with someone else while she and I were talking.

    Are you one of those people who can maintain the friendship? Or find it easier to walk away from more than platonic relationships that don't work out in the end?
     
    #1 caliwoman, Sep 12, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2016
  2. Katchoo

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    I'm interested in whether people in general think you can stay friends after dating. That's something I've wondered about, even with just one date with someone.

    On this particular situation.... Sounds like you don't want to date her cuz she's kind of toxic for you. I wonder if being friends would actually be that much less toxic. I don't like having a toxic friend any more than a toxic partner. But, maybe I'm reading too heavy on her faults.

    I think the jealousy of her being with anyone else in the future would be really rough. Like, you can't control that. It'll happen. If that will suck real bad for you..... you could avoid it....
     
  3. HappyGirlLucky

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    I haven't been in that situation because I have not been in a same-sex relationship yet, so I can't really comment on it from that perspective. But with my opposite-sex ex we decided to take a good break from each other after we broke up and then we reconnected as friends and have stayed that way. I think something similar will happen with my same-sex relationships too if and when they don't work out, unless the woman I was dating happened to turn out to be a toxic person. Both the women you have been seeing have sounded like the toxic types, the first one was definitely one, and this one sounded like she was shaping up to be similar.

    I know she was not exactly considerate of your feelings previously, but maybe if you think she won't try to pull you back in, you could explain to her that you no longer want to be in the arrangement you had and that you need some space? I think it might help you feel less guilty since you would get some sort of actual closure on it. Ghosting, no matter how justified, when you have gotten this far into a relationship/FWB situation/whatever that you are exclusive is bound to leave you feeling a bit torn inside.

    Either way, you did a really good thing listening to your gut and seeing the red flags as they appeared. :slight_smile: I know how difficult that can be. I hope your next one will have her stuff together! Third time's the charm!
     
  4. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Katchoo, yeah there are just those people who can be friends with ex romantic partners like nothing. I want that!

    Happy, you bring up a good point in being dragged back into it. I believe this to be my biggest fear. She and I had a precious hiccup and instead of giving each other space, we jumped right back in where we left off. I actually feel kinda relieved now, not talking to her, so yes, I'm worried about getting pulled in (even if that means I still have feelings for her) and yet struggle with "ghosting" and if it's the right/fair thing to do.

    Hopefully the next one will work out and I won't have to jump on here each time to ask questions. Lol!!

    Thanks ladies, for the input!!
     
  5. afgirl

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    I agree with Katchoo completely regarding the toxic issue.
     
  6. HappyGirlLucky

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    If there is a risk of her trying to drag you back, it probably is for the best that you just ghost. You can vent here instead until you feel better. :slight_smile:

    Also like Katchoo and afgirl said, she seems toxic and you really don't even want to try to be friends with that kind of person. I think the people who end up being friends with their exes had a relatively healthy relationship before the breakup, or at least neither of them mistreated the other horribly. Even if it did not work out with my ex for a variety of reasons, my sexuality being one of them, we are still friends because he is a good person and I considered him a great friend in addition to my partner at the time too. I can't say the same for the two women you have been dating so far, they have been anything but good friends to you. I know I personally want those kind of people as far away from me as possible.
     
  7. SweetSoulJulia

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    No, not for me anyway. I'm in the midst of this very same issue. I love my J. In my heart she is my true love, not my friend. I am torn up without contact with her but it hurts more being with her and not being able to act on my feelings.

    For you, though...it really depends on the depth of feelings you have for this woman. If you're really in love with her than I would advise against it.
     
  8. Creativemind

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    In my opinion, It's not a good idea to maintain a friendship right away if one party has feelings. If you both had casual dates and neither had feelings, that would be ok. But not if emotions are involved.

    That also doesn't mean people who once were together could never be friends again. It just requires time and space. I rekindled a friendship with an ex before, but we also stayed apart for quite some time before we re-contacted. It gave her enough space to move on and find someone new.
     
  9. JonSomebody

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    I have stayed friends for the most part with guys that I have dated and even guys that I have been in a long standing relationship with. For me..it all depends upon the maturity level of you and that person. However, there is this one guy whom I was in a relationship with and it was his antics, his possessive and obsessiveness as well as his lying that broke up the relationship and through the years I have made attempts to be friendly towards him but he always reciprocated my kindness with negativity. After all of these years, he still talks about me behind my back and the last time that I've seen him was in a local diner and he was very disrespectful to say the least. Therefore, I just stop trying to be kind and avoid him at all cost.
     
  10. CameOutSwinging

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    I have this come up with my FWB sometimes. Him and I have a very interesting relationship in a lot of ways. I mean, starting with him being 19 and me being 33. But also when we met a little over a year ago, while we became friends fast, we also started sleeping with each other fast. We never officially dated because I wasn't single, but it felt like we were dating in a way and there were some actual feelings on both sides. Since then those feelings have changed some. I think I still have stronger feelings than he does, and he has more held onto the feeling of me as an older brother figure and really kind of got past any romantic feelings. But he also moved on to a real serious boyfriend, and I've obviously not moved on in that regard.

    That said, we do still hook up a few times a month, along with his boyfriend, and we agree that we share a bond (our close friendship) that makes the sex special and about more than just getting off.

    Still, when I've told him that I might have a hard time being just friends if we ever stopped the physical aspect of our relationship, he took it really badly and it almost ended our friendship (it took about two days for us to speak again...mind you, we're roommates).

    So yeah, if I had a full on relationship with a guy and we broke up, do I think we could stay friends? I honestly don't know. Maybe I'll report back after I have an actual relationship with a guy, haha.
     
  11. Thirdtimecharm

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    Hey Cali,
    Personally I don't think it's possible. I know in my situation I was in love with my best friend and there was not way I could Un-love her or love her any less. The way I felt was getting in the way of me having a friendship with her Bc I couldn't turn it off and on. I was getting jealous when I had no right to, etc. The fact ghat get behavior confused the hell out of me made it more difficult. With the woman you speak of she has had some questionable behavior for a while so do you want to be friends with someone like that...

    For me I have learned the best thing was to walk away. I was not only leaving a love of my life I was also losing my best friend so it was excruciatingly difficult, but time and distance have made things easier on my heart. Plus if there was a "delete my ability to look her up"
    On FB capability it would be fantastic...because out of sight out of mind does help to heal my heart...

    Protect your heart, that's the key.