Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Emergelove, Nov 20, 2011.
It feels lighter despite all the crumminess...
My wife and I have continued to talk and are taking it slowly. We went shopping and spent 4 hours doing it...for the first time we held hands in a way that to me felt more genuine. We are sad but I don't feel broken and she too seems to be taking it as well as I can dream of. But there were times today when I feel an avalanche of grief cone that I have to distract away from...thanks Chip and Jim for your kindness and support.
This is hard... Anger and denial are hitting us... And an overwhelming sadness... But hangin in there
Hang in there. Its going to be tough for awhile. It will get better. I promise. You have a new life ahead of you. Keep your head high! Give yourself a big hug from me.
I went through the same stuff. It took a month or two for the emotions to calm down. Just keep moving forward.
Dear All, The fourth day. It still feels surreal at times. As I come to grips with it, I find myself mourning the loss of a self that I and my wife clung to for so long. Despite the pain of being closeted, at least it was familiar and therefore comfortable. I feel lost and scared at times, and the guilt for being responsible for all the pain that my wife suffered for 3 years of doubting and loneliness still remains...I don not know how to assuage my guilt other than be with it...
But at the same time, I feel relieved and free.
Gosh, the emotions are many and quite overwhelming...I don't know what to say or ask other than please think about us.
Everything is going to be OK. It's early in the process but the two of you will get through it. Try to keep communication between the two of you going so that you can get through this in a friendly state.
It's OK feel the feelings. Just don't beat yourself up too badly. You never purposely set out to hurt her. Just like many of us, you probably didn't understand your feelings, or you thought it was something that would go away. Regardless, it wasn't intentional.
We're all here to help you get through this. Deep breaths and small steps.
Please be careful when you come out and do make sure that you affirm your love for your wife. Explain that it is not the sexual love and that she deserves to find a man who makes her feel wonderful in and out of bed - something that you will never be able to do without thinking that it is wrong for you. Tell her that she will always be amazingly special to you and will always have a place in your heart. Explain to her that this is your journey and that in order to be true to yourself, you have to be honest with her. If she truly loves you, she will understand...
The reason I say this is that a friend of mine in his forties came out to his wife recently - and they are now going through a bitter divorce - In fact, he accused her of being useless, good for nothing etc. etc. etc. and, in short, "making him (the husband) sleep with a man'"... the worst thing is that he wants her out of the marital home and wants custody of their three year old child too... I believe her when she says that she has done nothing wrong... The wife is devastated, the child cannot understand why Dad doesn't love Mum and the husband is clearly going through torture but refuses to let anyone see it. Sad.
So as I said, please tread carefully when you come out - you are crushing your wife's hopes and dreams under your feet.
Keep in mind this thread is 4 months old.