Are the fantasies real?

Welcome to Empty Closets!

This is a hard question to answer. I can’t answer from experience, and I can’t know just how great your imagination and fantasies are. So I’ll ask some questions instead.

If you had the OK from your wife, is there a particular guy you are fantasizing about? In other words, you’ve found someone you are drawn to?

If you found out sex with a guy was better than anything with your wife what would you do then? I ask this because I’ve read stories here about how folks find out they are gay or lesbian after their experience with someone of the same sex, and it causes a total re-evaluation of their marriage.

I respect that you are open with your wife. Keeping that open communication will be important.

 

Hi! Firstly, it would be counterproductive and irresponsible of me to tell you whether your fantasies are real: you have to find your own path in your own time and find a way to embrace your sexuality in a manner that's right for you. Talking to an LGBT counsellor or therapist about your feelings and thoughts could help, even if you decide to use one as nothing more than a professional sounding board.

In the meantime, though, you may find it helpful to remember that people often have a gap between intimacy as we imagine it and intimacy as we experience it. It is not uncommon to feel that the reality of a certain sexual act is awkward or underwhelming when compared to our fantasies, for instance, although it is also not uncommon to feel that the reality of a certain sexual act has matched or exceeded our fantasies. How you manage this intimacy gap is dependent on the extent you want to experience any fantasies in your life.

Different people experience and think about the same sexual act in multiple different ways and - because your feelings and thoughts can alter with time and experience - a pleasurable or underwhelming first-time encounter with another man does not automatically mean that other same-sex encounters will feel the same way. And, yes, DecentOne is correct: it is absolutely imperative that you are open with your wife as much as possible. I hope that this helps you go forward in a way that feels right for you.

 

I wish I could give some insight on this...my fantasies have spiked and I struggle with trying to figure out what they all mean

 

Is gay sex as hot as you imagine it is?
It can be. And when it works between partners (as in any sexual play involving anyone at all), then yes. Yes it is.

 

At this point, I am simply curious. I have never acted on my curiosity and and don't know that I ever will.

I have all sorts of fantasies too, but often wonder if I just like the IDEA of it...

 

Everyone's different. Different tastes, different limits, different needs etc.
I can honestly say that the best sex of my life has been with men.

 

I struggled with the same things for many years. Very strong fantasies of gay sex but happy with my marriage and intimacy with my wife.

As I was coming out, I feared that my marriage would be over and I would be stuck with being now a bisexual with only men available for sex. I wondered if the realities could ever be as good as the fantasy.

So, after I came out, I had several gay experiences and I found them lacking...a lot. I was starting to believe I was not as attracted to men as I thought.

Even with a long time friend, who I like a lot, the sex was OK but not like the fantasies. My current friend it is another story. Sex is sometimes meh and then sometimes the passion is ridiculous. It seems we both hit some zone and I never imagined, in my fantasies, that it could be this good.

With hetero sex, the fantasies were never as good as the reality. Every time I have intimacy with my wife it blows me away.

I've come to the conclusion that the connection is EVERYTHING for
me to be fulfilled with sexual intimacy and the fantasies don't address this very well. I, pretty much, don't fantasize any longer.

I know my experience doesn't address the issue many of you have posed. But, I will offer this to those that are contemplating opening your marriages to see if the fantasies are a reality. Be careful.

You may find you need connection to really get the most out of same sex experiences. You might be disappointed, like I was, in the sex alone.

I'm learning, now, that these connections, really, are about opening up and becoming vulnerable with another human. To let your guard down.

This works for me because I can feel a range of emotions for different people and can express them with intimacy. But, for some of us, this might strain our other relationships.

 

Like mentioned in one of the posts what happens if you find you prefer sexual intimacy with a man more. What do you do. This was my story. Once I had been intimate with another man nothing with a woman could compare. My focus changed completely and started to embrace my gay self. My relationship with my then fiancé ended shortly afterwards. I have been with my BF since. These things do happen in real life so be prepared.