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Are some gay men not able to top?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by confuseduser99, Apr 12, 2015.

  1. confuseduser99

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    I've only had sex twice, but on both accounts, I was the bottom. My partner and I had planned that I would be the top during both encounters, but it ended up with my bottoming, as I lost my erection...

    I don't know if it's simply a performance anxiety thing, but it has me a little concerned. I always thought I was vers. I'd like to top, and would like to change it up every now and then with my partner (he feels the same way).

    So is it purely performance anxiety (I've had similar issues in the past with being erect while naked in front of my partner... this happened at the beginning of our relationship - this is my first relationship, and my first one w/ sexual acts), or are some men just not able to top?
     
  2. SemiCharmedLife

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    I have a lot of trouble topping too. Even when I can get in I can't finish. My bf doesn't mind so all's good
     
  3. MotelGuy

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    I can top, but I'm bored when I do it...I prefer getting fucked...
     
  4. Benway

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    I think it's a weird hardwired thing where you can be versatile but primarily one or the other but the opposite but only for the right person-- does, does that make sense? It sounds better in my head.
     
  5. AKTodd

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    It could be a performance anxiety or modesty thing (are you maybe scared of hurting him?) or a degree of being grossed out by putting your penis...there.

    I'm not really thinking this is a purely physical thing because you've not indicated you have any trouble maintaining an erection under other circumstances and I'm not aware of any physiological thing that could lead to you only having erection issues when trying to top but not at other times.

    As far as what to do about it...some of it may just be a matter giving it some thought and seeing if any of the above psych issues resonate and then working on that. Some of it may be giving it some time and (most importantly) not feeling pressured (by yourself or your partner) to top or you risk making the situation worse.

    Beyond that, if you don't mind spending a little money, you might look into something like a fleshlight toy. These are mainly marketed as vagina substitutes, but they do make an anus shaped one. While the sensations involved aren't going to exactly mirror the real thing, it can be a fun way to 'practice', either solo or with your partner and maybe get more comfortable with the whole thing as well as (at least to some degree) starting to associate penetration with sexual pleasure, which may make it easier to take the next step of doing it with the real thing.

    Hope this helps,

    Todd
     
  6. confuseduser99

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    I think a part of it too has to do with the fact that I'm not that assertive in the relationship. My boyfriend isn't either, but he's more so than me (which is strange because I'm usually more of the dominant/assertive type around most people).

    Another question: when does anal become pleasurable? The two times that I've been penetrated, it wasn't super pleasurable. It almost didn't hurt (I mean a little, but a lot less than what I expected) but it wasn't in any way orgasmic. The thought of him being in me, doing me, etc. however is a BIG turnon. I got off after he finished. But I thought there was something to do with pleasure from your prostate while being penetrated...
     
  7. Psaurus918

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    I'm a virgin and it seems like most guys on dating sites want to know if you're a top or bottom and get annoyed when I say "idk"
     
  8. biguy8

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    I couldn't get any penetration with my last relationship, but that was wayyyy back in my closeted days. I bottomed most of the time though, and that guy had no problems topping. Now, my bf is a total bottom, so I am hoping I will have better luck. My bf values anal sex more than I do. I would much rather give or receive oral, and I also like fingering and get fingered. We are getting tested on Tuesday again(to make sure he is out of the 3 month HIV window as he had sex in Jan), and we hope to go all the way on Thursday. I will let you know what happens.