Are closeted, married people generally happy?

This was a reward from the universe, one in which you learned a great deal. It may take several relationships before you figure out what you want and need in a man. Don't let this bad experience discourage you. Keep on moving forward!

It's normal for newly out guys to go through a cruising/hookup phase. I would even argue that's part of the gay scene. It sounds like you would rather have a relationship. You'll need to figure out where the kind of guy you want hangs out and go there to meet him. Do you have LGBT meetups focused around an activity where you live? Dating apps?

You mention that word spreads - so what? Do you still have some residual shame about being gay? Or do you live in a homophobic area?

Are you a top or do you prefer to avoid anal altogether? Not every gay man is into penetration, so you should be able to find a guy to date who is compatible with your preferences.

When I was married, it was very compartmentalized for me. I had gay mode and straight (heteronormative) mode, and I was able to switch back and forth pretty easily initially. Unfortunately the cost of keeping things compartmentalized (that is, selective denial) increased as I accepted myself more and more as gay, and gay thoughts bleed into heteronormative life (like that guy is hot). Eventually one reaches a point where it's obvious that change is required to find sanity and authenticity. Like you I came out to find gay love. Fortunately in the US and other parts of the world, it's now possible for gay men to have families. That was not the case a generation ago

Please be careful. It seems you've already started your infatuation with this guy and are trying to create desire and intrigue as part of a fantasy seduction. Because he's living a double life, please realize that he won't be able to spend the night, probably won't open up emotionally, and most likely would not leave his wife for you, so you won't get the kind of male intimacy and relationship that you want and deserve. Even if he did, it would be a bumpy ride as he goes through his coming out process. Plus you would be hurting his family in the process. You came out because you wanted a real relationship, and you really won't find that with him. Go and find a nice single gay guy who can give you the kind of relationship you need.

 

Every closeted guy I ever met, described a feeling of isolation, and they also talked about feeling exhausted every day from the constant posturing and acting.

 

If you don't feel comfortable having sex outside of a relationship, I'm not sure that's an entirely bad thing. We all have our comfort levels. For example when I didn't have a BF, I never went cruising. That and anonymous sex feels seedy to me. I did meet guys via hookup and dating apps looking for more than an anonymous hookup. It does take a certain amount of acceptance/confidence to feel OK having casual sex and enjoy it.

If you have lingering shame and internalized homophobia, my blog post might offer some ideas to help heal them. - Healing the shame of being gay - EC 2.0 Edition

 

May depend on who their married to and what agreements they have.

 

It really depends on the person. For me, however, I wasnt happy. But I dont see my sexual orientation as the main problem being unhappy. It's a mixture of everything else.

 

I agree with much of what has been said here already. To give it a yes or no answer, which is to simplify it greatly I think, would lead me to a strong no. I claim I'm happy what I have yet still long for more, part of me holds back immensely, probably because I fear what change would bring and the uncertainty of if it would actually lead to being happier or maybe realizing what happiness truly feels like.

 

One comment that was made that might be considered is how he appears on an outward level. The comment that "he's cool, laid back and he presents himself in a professional way" seemed of consideration. Does this person have an emotional connection to other people? Wife? Friends? Co-workers? It would be interesting to know how he is with other people. It seems like there is an emotional disconnect within this person. Maybe there is a lack of being able to be "guilt ridden"? It seems like there would be some indication of emotion of some kind. Happiness, guilt, questioning, contentment?
Just was wondering.

 

They can be happy with their life, but deep down they might still long for a chance to be who they truly are.

 

Couldn’t that just be contentment instead of true happiness?

 

There are a lot of bad things in this world, and not everyone gets what they want all the time, but that doesn't mean you can't be truly happy.

That's kind of like saying, "You're single but want to date, aren't you just content instead of happy?" or "you're poor and want to be rich, doesn't that mean you're content instead of happy?" basically, you can take anything and ask if it's contentment instead of true happiness.

 

I guess then, I meant to say that as a statement rather than a question. You cannot long to be who you truly are and be happy, you can only be content with what you have and the situation you are in.

 

There can be a peace and joy in dysphoria if that doesn't sound too weird. So happy marriage and a growing parallel progress to one's [in my case gender] identity. Anyone?

 

I've been in the closet for 30 years. Ive been married for 20. Yes I was gay and closeted when we married. I've known I was gay since my teens but I just couldn't accept it. I liked girls and the heterosexual relationship illusion. I couldn't see it any other way. Gay to me meant being a weakling, a sissy or a fem. I didn't feel I was any of those descriptions at the time. I secretly fantasized about men and being with men sexually. My relationship with my wife has taken many turns because of my decision to stay closeted. She's wonderful! We originally were married under the hopes that I was bisexual and not fully gay. She helped me convince myself of this. I had had gay sexual encounters before I met my wife. These encounters were very experimental in nature. I knew was attracted to men but not sure of just how much. I was embarrassed/ashamed of my sexuality. I enjoyed the sex with men very much but felt depressed about being "gay". It seemed easier to continue the illusion of being heterosexual or even bisexual than admitting to friends, family, wife and myself that girls weren't for me. What a horrible decision it has turned out to be. One reason I didn't come out when I was younger was that my wife to be was very homophobic and I was afraid of her reaction if I was to tell her about me being gay. I worshipped her strength and her sure mindedness and told myself I was just being dramatic. I also had many years of Christian indoctrination and felt that being with the same sex was sinful and beneath my integrity. Fast forward 30 years. I'm still depressed.....I'm gay, closeted to all accept my wife. It's frustrating. She loves me and I her. But! I'm gay. I'm growing gayer by the day and I'm trying to get out of this closet but I'm still too worried what others think about me. My downfall! I don't want to hurt my wife either. Not just for physical gratification anyways. Unfortunately I'm feeling like its always going to get in the way of my happiness and sanity if I don't get up the strength to be me

 

well ive never had a hook up when i was married, or since with any gender, but as for being happy in the closet? nope, not me. honestly i was miserable about my gender even as i had my sexuality so deeply buried i couldnt even look at it.

 

I am fortunate to know three men who are out to their wives, and two of them have been able to maintain great relationships. One reports that his marriage is stronger than ever. They all date men with permission from their spouses, and all three identify as gay. I correspond with several others who acknowledge their feelings but suppress them for various reasons. I can tell you that there are many men who have told their spouse and had the marriage survive or thrive, and some who have literally destroyed (Temporarily) their life.
I am out to my girlfriend, and my ex-wife (Still good friends), and my GF is happy to have me spend most of my free time with her, and the rest she does not care about. So, even though I am out to some people, I do not feel constrained or trapped or frustrated. I am looking for a longer term relationship with a man, preferably someone who also is in a primary relationship with someone else, and I don't feel the need to share my sexual identity with the world. I didn't share when I was still completely in the closet and in denial, as nobody gives a damn if you're straight. I feel free and comfortable, and if someone finds out about my gay side, then that's OK. Sometimes I feel that it would be selfish of me to come out to certain family members, as they would likely be confused, but I will probably have the "Out" discussion with my son this coming year.

 

Thanks Quebec, I hear you loud and clear. We're the same in that we place more importance on our families than we do on a boyfriend. My trouble lately, has been this very powerful urge to be with a man physically/sexually. It's seems to be driving me a bit crazy. I'm aware of the fact that I need to be prudent with any decisions I make. I'm just really at a loss for ideas on how to satisfy my urges without losing my dignity or breaking the trust my wife and I share.