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Anyone got depression because of sexulity ? I'm looking for hope.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Linux Lenny, May 10, 2014.

  1. Linux Lenny

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    I am still struggling with depression because of my sexuality . It has been more than a year since all this started . I am taking ADs (Mirtazapine and Prozac) , Mirtazapine helps me sleep at night while Prozac helps a bit with the mood , but the problem it makes me numb , like I don't have emotions , it also kills my appetite and libido , I lost so much weight on this medicine and I don't feel the urge to have sex at all .

    All this started after I broke up with my ex-gf and decided not to date any girl after that . At that time I felt that that was the end of the world to me . I felt that I would never ever find a relationship with a guy as I did with girls . All this was very new to me and I didn't know what the word gay meant .Even I didn't have romantic attraction towards guys at that time which made me hopeless and made me think that it was impossible to be happy again .But after a while I started processing the new reality , and now all I want from guys is romance . As I told I don't have now that urge to have sex with a guy (thanks to ADs) but I feel pretty much the romantic attraction and other things (like holding hands , kissing , cuddling ...etc) .

    But I am still struggling with bloody wicked depression which kills any joy in my life and isolates me from the people around me . I didn't have depression before when I was in denial but I wasn't happy neither . It is very difficult to get therapy here (at least 6 months to get an appointment) so I think EC and all the nice people here are my only choices to help me feel better . I think I am very close to acceptance but still suffering from this mental state .

    Do you think that coming out to all the people in my life would help with depression ? or a relationship maybe ? I would like to hear your stories and experiences .I am stuck now and I really need hope .

    Thanks
    L.L
     
  2. PatrickUK

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    I struggled with depression in my late teens/early twenties and my sexual orientation was definitely an significant factor. I'd been repressing my feelings for years and it built up and combined with bereavement issues to become a serious emotional crisis. Like you, I ended up taking Prozac for a while and did a lot of talking to different people and groups, including online groups like EC, to get me through it. It seemed to work for a short time and I came off AD's, but the issues relating to my sexuality were never properly resolved and I remained in the closet. Unfortunately, the black mood began to return and I just knew it was crunch time. I either faced it down or let it consume me again.

    I can only speak for myself LL, but coming out was the thing that broke the cycle. The freedom and sense of relief that came from self acceptance and not hiding any more made such a difference and that's why I try to help other people with my own perspective... it's why I joined EC.

    I'm not saying coming out changed my life overnight as I had to deal with negativity from some people (who I don't give a damn about now). I also had my ups and downs playing the dating game, until I met my partner, but I never sank back into that low place again and I haven't needed AD's any more.

    I can't tell you to come out or pursue a relationship - that's got to be your decision, but I'm happy to offer my personal perspective in the hope it may assist you in coming to that place yourself.

    I know it's tough (depression always is) but don't lose hope. Depression is like a monster and the monster wants you to lose hope. You've got to tell it to **** off!
     
  3. bingostring

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    depression because of sexuality ? oh YES!

    do you have money enough to go and get some private therapy sooner? … maybe not, but those 6 month waiting lists suck

    some private therapists might give discounts or sliding scale fees if you are short of cash

    But maybe meds are what you need right now just as an interim. It would be nice if you could accept the drawbacks of the meds just to see how they can work for you. Later you can ease off them to feel more connected with the world/ your body.

    Review with your doctor, and maybe varying the doses will help. Or you may discuss switching from prozac to something else if it is really not suiting you

    Mirtazapine is great for getting to sleep but can increase your appetite and you may put on weight a bit.
     
  4. CyclingFan

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    There's an argument to be made that the reason I've been depressed for major parts of at least the last 20 years, if not back into my teenage years, is due to repressing and suppressing my sexuality.

    Be honest with yourself about what you want.
     
  5. Linux Lenny

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    Thank you very much guys for the replies .

    I am stuck right now and I don't know what to do next , I am doing everything I can do , I am taking my medicines and talking here in EC about my issues but I am still very lost of what to do next ! coming out to all will come at the end but I feel that I am not yet prepared for it .

    There are some good days and many bad days . I wish I started the acceptance process 10 years ago rather than denying myself and staying in the closet . I feel that the closet did a lot of damage to my life , damage which can't be undo .
     
  6. rainmustfall

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    I suffered from depression and all sorts of emotional problems before coming to terms with both my gender issues and sexuality. I definitely think there is a correlation there. The more accepting I became of what I wanted and felt, the better things became. I still have some issues with being comfortable acting on what I want, but accepting what was going on inside my own head really helped. Many people I have talked to have said the same. If you fight your own feelings and desires you mind and body are going to fight back.
     
  7. Richie.

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    Hiding my sexuality definitely caused me to have have mental health problems , being authentic is the only way to live happily I think.
     
  8. Casper22

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    Hey there Linux Lenny,

    I can completely relate to what you are talking about. In my teenage and very early 20's I was basically in denial and really just ignored my sexuality - and like you I wasn't especially unhappy while I was in denial, in fact I was overall fairly happy. It was a few years ago though that I had no choice than to start facing my feelings and attractions - they were becoming more and more impossible to ignore. So it wasn't so much out of choice that I started to deal with them, than out of necessity.

    Well, since then it has been one hell of an emotional roller coaster - I have suffered some pretty severe depression throughout it aswell. I have my good days and my bad days, but there is always an underlying depression, and I know basically for sure that it is due to my sexuality - and the fact that I am not yet properly comfortable and adjusted to it. In some ways we are in similar positions. I have been to see a number of counsellors myself, and they were helpful to a point, but I have reached the stage where they can no longer help me - there is nothing new to discuss. The ball is essentially in my court - and the only way that I can properly move forward is to take action myself.

    And by take action, I don't mean that coming out is the be all and end all - in fact I think that by far the more important part is to become comfortable with your sexuality yourself - then coming out to others will be much easier. As to how do you become more comfortable with your sexuality - that's something that I'm still trying to figure out.

    I wish you all of the best.
     
    #8 Casper22, May 11, 2014
    Last edited: May 11, 2014
  9. YaraNunchuck

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    Yes, oh hell yes...

    I did see a doctor about it. In the end I dealt with it myself. I moved to a new city and became openly gay. That seemed to solve it, mostly - so I'll echo what everyone else said, coming out does make it better. I'm not sure I've accepted myself fully, though; I still wish I were straight and kind of consider it unfair that I'm not. But those thoughts, which used to harass me to the point of intense sadness, are now just a passing breeze. Like the far fetched desire to be a handsome celebrity, desires for a different existence are now just ephemeral and weak....

    It gets better...
     
  10. BelleFromHell

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    Well, I have manic depression. I've had it all my life, and I didn't come out to myself as gay until age 15-16, so I don't think my homosexuality is the cause. My mom has it also, so it's probably from genetics.

    I will say that I might have come out to myself eariler if I wasn't bipolar, and the alienation certainly doesn't help me manage it.
     
  11. Electra

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    I agree with Casper22 you do have to come to terms with your sexuality yourself but this is a life long process and you also have to, in the end, come out to other people too. The two feed off each other I found.

    I found it so, so easy to find reasons not to 'come out' just yet as I wasn't quite ready as not totally happy with my sexuality myself.

    But it was just fear of the unknown… and the fear turned out for me to be far greater the action of just telling people. Each time i took that leap, the pressure lifted and next time it became easier.

    I still have low days and still have much self-accepting to do, but sometimes I forget that actually now many people know I am gay and so its not just something stuck in my head - it is literally 'out' there. My old habitual closeted thoughts "if only people new I was gay they wouldn't like me" still haunt, then I catch myself and remember actually loads of people do know and people do still love me and the sky hasn't fallen in, and I wonder why I spent so many years procrastinating. That is so liberating.

    The wall can seem so high when you are on the wrong side of it, but one quick scramble and you are on the other side and when you turn around the wall is actually so tiny you could have simply stepped over it..
     
  12. Linux Lenny

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    Thank you all guys for your advice and for sharing your stories with me , just reading your posts makes feel better .

    Yes I believe coming out would help a lot, but in order to come out I have to be comfortable with my sexuality and to be more comfortable with my sexuality I should get rid of depression first . I feel that this is an infinite loop and I am stuck in the middle , hopeless ...
     
  13. StellarJ1

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    I have had mental health issues for years. I believe that every time I try to get better, I unconsciously make myself sicker even though I am not really sick. It manifests real illness.
    I have to keep reminding myself that I not sick. I am just not just putting up roadblocks between me and the truth.
    I am getting better at feeling my feelings, and not trying to think and control my way through things.
     
  14. PatrickUK

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    I'm sorry if this sounds challenging, but I don't agree that you should get rid of the depression to become more comfortable with your sexuality. Working from that angle will more likely keep you in the infinite loop.

    If your sexuality is a factor in the depression, it seems more sensible to work on self acceptance and coming out first as this may lift your mood and ease the depressed feelings. Tackling depression means identifying and working on the causes, hard as that may be. You can't do it the other way round. What you are suggesting is akin to putting the cart before the horse.
     
  15. Jim1454

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    Hi there. I'm sorry that you're feeling so down right now. I know all about that - I've suffered with depression since my early teens. Even after coming out I continue to have periods of depression, so in my case it hasn't gone away by coming out.

    I think it might have to do with my orientation - to some extent. I've done a lot of counselling / therapy and learned that most of the negative thinking that drags us down in adulthood was learned or ingrained in us when we were small children. We established the perception that we weren't good enough. That we were different - and people won't like us if they knew the 'true' us. We did this because as children we didn't have the role models or the nurturing that we needed. (Not that our parents were evil, because they generally do the best that they can, but sometimes their best wasn't enough.)

    So it really is about challenging those negative thoughts with facts. That's where counselling can help. And just talking about things here - what you're thinking and what you're feeling - so that you can hear from others that maybe your perception isn't quite right. Once those negative thoughts take hold, they become your truth, your reality, and you need help from others to point out that they aren't true.

    Good luck.
     
  16. Linux Lenny

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    Thank you very much guys for your advice and caring for me , it makes feel that I am less lonely and I have a family out there .

    Jim , I agree with every word you said , I have a very negative thinking pattern since my childhood and this pattern got worse and worse by time . I have felt always that I am different , that I don't deserve to be loved or even to live because I am gay .

    Thanks Linco , I totally agree with you , I think it is time to take some actions . Setting here and doing nothing is making me worse . it is really so much pain for me to handle .

    I am thinking about coming out to my mother , I cant stand her telling me over and over again to get married . I gave her some hints before and I am pretty sure that she suspect something is "wrong" with her son , at the end she is my mom , she saw me growing up and she can feel that there is something going on .

    In parallel , I am thinking about giving the online dating a shot one more time , maybe I could find someone . I want to meet someone in real world , just to be friends . That's might help me feel better . Maybe we can kiss just to try this feeling , I was fantasizing my whole life about it . Maybe being with someone will help me understand my feelings better and will ease the fear of the unknown .

    I am technically dead , I just want to feel normal again , enjoying the sun , a cup of coffee , a chat with a friend . I really miss life .

    I will think about the next steps and study them well and I hope I could find the courage to move forward .
     
  17. wanderinggirl

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    Oh, I was crying like almost every day. I didn't think anyone understood, my world was turned 180 degrees, I had to force mysefl to wake up every morning. It gets better. For me physical exercise, meditation, and reconnecting with friends and coming out to family were the best ways to get over it. Also focusing on my career.
     
  18. mangotree

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    Wounds heal, scars fade.

    You're only about 1/3 of the way through your lifetime, many people don't find self-acceptance, self-love until much later - if at all. Recognising that you're at the start of your journey is a HUGE step in the right direction.

    Peace be with you.
     
  19. Xtian99

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    Oh Linux Lenny hang in there! Life causes depression sometimes (sexuality, relationships, finding love, expectations, aspirations, self doubt, broken dreams, fears for the future, etc).
    Many of us have been there and all of us are different in the why/how/how to get better area.
    In my case, I learned that the things that caused my depression, anxiety, self harm etc. were things that I did not want to/was terrified to confront. Sexuality itself was not my big issue (knew I was gay since I was six and never cared who knew, never had any energy to pretend to be "straight") but other forms of self worth, self loathing, shame sure were. If you asked me if I was gay I'd say "YUP", but if you asked me why someone would want me as a partner I'd die a little inside and crawl into my bed.

    When you say "I am technically dead , I just want to feel normal again , enjoying the sun , a cup of coffee , a chat with a friend . I really miss life." I feel for you because I have been there. please try to see the depression as a sign from your body and mind that there is something that you need to deal with/talk through/confront. Find a psychologist and go talk through it. Just talk- you will be surprised how the very things that need to "come out" will pop out as you talk with a qualified person who can read the signs and direct you. Until you get that appointment, talk on here. And remember that (i) nothing is as terrifying or as uncomfortable as we fear it will be, and (ii) you are so not alone in this, and it wil pass for you like it had for others.
     
  20. Linux Lenny

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    Thanks a lot guys for your words , I am happy to be here with you all (*hug*)


    Thank you very much Xtian99 , I love your post (*hug*)