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Anyone gone through a similar phase?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Spot, Jul 12, 2018.

  1. Spot

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    I’m sorry if this is all over the place, I’m half asleep as I’m writing this but this has been on my mind recently. And it’s probably stupid but I sort of feel like it invalidates me as trans, so I was wondering if anyone had a similar phase because that’d make me feel less alone and weird lol.

    This must’ve been like two years ago because I was 16 and I’m almost 18 now. What happened was that I basically had a complete mental break, which isn’t that uncommon for me and I just decided I was going to be a girl. It’s not even that I thought being trans was a choice... I just thought that I would suppress my feelings and I’d force myself into being a woman. I guess I thought I’d just learn to be happy that way eventually. Plus, I thought that this way, I could still keep all my friends and family and they wouldn’t think of me any different.

    I think I felt like this because my last years of high school were just shit. I hadn’t come out to anyone but it’s like people just knew I was different, I used to get asked if I were a lesbian and if I were transgender all the time. One time, I was even asked if I wanted to be a boy and I said no because I was just terrified of coming out. And the person who asked just wouldn’t take that as an answer lol. She kept asking me and she kept telling me it was okay, that she could see me passing as a boy but I was still terrified and said I was not transgender. So I used to get bullied for like how I looked and acted I guess. Like my birth name rhymes with gay so that’s an easy target and people used to ask me if my (girl) name was short for James. I think everyone knows what it is now but it’s fine I guess, haha. I don’t think anyone will use it against me. I don’t know it was stupid but it got to me because I was embarrassed for not being “normal”. Then there was some really awful stuff like one of the popular girls called me disgusting to my face. So yeah, it sucked.

    That’s why I decided I was going to just be cis. And I really tried. I don’t think I could’ve tried any harder. I tried to be a straight girl too. My parents know I’m attracted to women because I told them ages ago. But they’re not really cool with that...basically, they never acknowledge it at all. Even if I talk about like the possibility of having a wife someday and I start the conversation, they’ll just straight up ignore me. I think my mom has only talked about it once and that was because she thought I was faking my sexuality since my friends were in the LGBT community. I told her that I’ve known I like girls since like 9 years old and all she said was, “Well, you never told me.” Lol.

    So, I was just going to be a straight girl because I was sick of everything. I bought dresses which I wore a handful of times, I bought makeup (some of which I still haven’t worn lol) and I even bought a padded bra if you can believe that. I tried to get a boyfriend but I failed, honestly I didn’t try very hard because I felt super awkward, haha. What happened was, I was happy that I fit in but I felt physically sick almost 24/7. I didn’t feel confident at all and I felt super dysphoric, especially about my chest because I refused to bind. And I ended up relapsing with cutting (almost 6 months clean now!). I mean, I kept this up for months. I still had periods where I was like, “I really want to transition,” but I just pushed that away.

    Anyway, I think I’ve accepted I am not cisgender and that I need to stop trying now lol. I still have some bad days but I’m not going to try and force myself into anything anymore because it’s a waste of time. But the one thing I haven’t worked out is how I’m going to tell all this trans stuff to my family. They don’t really accept LGB stuff, they think it’s weird but they’re not openly hateful about it. But they’re really shitty about trans stuff. So my plan right now is to gradually present as more and more masculine and hopefully they’ll just know that I’m transgender without me telling them. That’s enough venting though.

    My question is, has anyone else here ever gone through a phase where you just tried to make yourself cis? I’m also sorry that this is so lengthy, I didn’t realize how much I’d written!
     
  2. DreamerAsh

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    Yeah when I was younger I went super girly and tried to be feminine. I've always been a major tomboy even when I was still presenting as cisgender. I wear dresses and makeup and flashy jewelry. Sadly enough everyone was suddenly accepting of me and I was popular. But, eventually it made me sad and unhappy. So, I went back to my usual self, but it was difficult as people were shocked by the change. I guess they thought I had finally become, "normal." And then, I went back to my usual self. Shortly after I accepted myself as trans. But, for a year and a half I lived as someone I'm not.
     
  3. DreamerAsh

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    I think everyone goes through a phase of some sort where they fight against who they really are. But, eventually we learn to accept ourselves and be who we're meant to be.
     
  4. Kodo

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    Definitely. I did when I was around fifteen and questioning. Again after I came out at seventeen. And almost again recently, when I came very close to moving back home to be with my family. For me it's always been for family acceptance. I've tried multiple times to suppress or ignore being trans but in the end it hasn't worked. It has only caused more pain and a lack of self acceptance for me to live that way. So I've settled finally that transitioning is right for me. Because in the end I know I wasn't afraid of transitioning itself, but all the hardships surrounding it.
     
  5. AshDee

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    At 16 I went through this phase of being hardcore cis. I wore short skirts, did my makeup, styled my hair... even wore wire bras instead of sports bras. I was miserable. At 17 and a half I broke down and decided that I couldn't keep doing that anymore. Even though it's been scary I'm so much happier right now than I've ever been.

    As the great Miles Aaron McKenna said, "I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not." You can stay in the closet for as long as you need/want to. But if you can, get yourself somewhere accepting and supportive and live life as you. You said you're 18. That means that you can legally go somewhere else without your parents' permission. You can do it lil buddy. It may take time, but you can do it.