1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Anyone else transitioned out of a marriage when you realized you were gay?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by dinosaur34, Apr 11, 2016.

  1. dinosaur34

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2016
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Minnesota
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    First post, new to the group. I'm a woman, 34, married to a man, and have always identified as bi, although to the general public I've kept that a secret (after some intense bullying in middle school when I was realizing what was going on and after some pretty firm parental rejection when my mother found out I was physical with girls). Recently I've progressed through some pretty intense therapy (that I started because I couldn't figure out why I had disconnected from my husband and wanted to clear up some childhood trauma shit)...and over the last couple months I realized I was gay in therapy. Even typing that is still scary. I want to change it to "probably gay" or "I think I'm gay" or something that's a little more non-committal, because I'm terrified. I've told my husband, who is extremely supportive, and a couple close friends (not that I actually AM gay, but that I think I MIGHT be gay...I've only said "I'm gay" outloud to myself in the car when no one was around).
    SO...I'm trying to figure this out. I am hoping to find some support here. I know my husband and my closest friends will support me. Our son is very young, so as long as I can accept myself I think he can grow up accepting me and our non-traditional family. I worry the most about my family and my in-laws, who are not very supportive of anything really, let alone sensitive to LGBT issues.
    Not really sure what I'm hoping to get out of typing this...but I'm trying to sort feelings out. I feel like I'm leaning too heavily on my husband for emotional support. I don't really know where else to turn. I've never ever accepted myself as bi, and now I feel like I have a lot more emotional work to do because I'm making a transition in identity.
    I sincerely apologize for the grammer and punctuation issues in this post. :bang:
     
    #1 dinosaur34, Apr 11, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2016
  2. appleseed

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2016
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North America
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi Dinosaur, and welcome to EC from a newbie to a newbie. You're story is so similar to mine. I'm married to a man, and I've always identified as bi, even though I've dated guys most of the time. I recently realized that I might be gay (it's still hard for me to say I AM gay..). I've told my husband and he seems to be supportive, even though he doesn't really understand how vital this thing is for me. Anyway, we were talking about separation months before I came out to myself but we can't afford two households at the moment. As time goes by I think that separation would be the best thing for us, especially for me. I really think I deserve to live at the fullest this "new" chapter pf my life. My only concern is our kid and how she would react to our separation.

    I'm taking my time to accept who I am, getting comfortable with my epiphany. I don't think I have a new identity, it's always me, I just know a little more about myself.

    I don't know if I was helpful, I just want you to know you're not alone. And EC is a very supporti e community.

    Big hugs.
     
  3. Bunny45

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2015
    Messages:
    390
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    TX
    I'm pretty sure there's no grammar police here or there would be a warrant out on me already. :wink: Welcome to EC.
     
  4. Choirboy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2013
    Messages:
    1,639
    Likes Received:
    285
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    "Transitioned out" is such a nice way to put it! If anything, I used being gay as my trump card to get out of an unhappy marriage that would never have died on its own.

    I knew when I got married that I had pretty strong feelings for other guys, but I also had strong feelings for my wife as well, and I figured that made me, maybe, bisexual? I desperately wanted the whole family existence, kids, pets, house in the suburbs and so on, and thought all was well. I had vague hopes that I might meet some other married guy with the same feelings and maybe have some kind of "special friend with benefits" arrangement, but never imagined myself coming out unless my wife died or left me.

    The marriage was unhappy in many ways, and I was ready to end it completely after less than 10 years. But I was afraid of losing access to my kids, and leaving them in the care of someone I didn't think was stable, so I stuck it out for some 20 years. Eventually I was so miserable, and multiple events came together that made me decide things had to end, that I decided the only way to get her to accept that we were over was to pull out the big guns and tell her I was gay.

    Our relationship was so codependent, though, that even that didn't convince her. In the end, I met a guy (purely by accident, without dating or trolling at all!) who I knew I couldn't live without, and I "transitioned out" of the marriage. It hasn't been easy. I've tried to maintain a friendship with her, but living apart has brought to light all the huge differences between us, and the terrible, crashing one-sidedness of our relationship that had made me lonely and unhappy for years, and I don't know if we will remain close at all once the kids are out of the picture (they are a freshman and a senior in college).

    Some people have better luck than others. I know a guy whose ex-wife was so accepting that not only are they still friends, she walked him down the aisle when he married his husband. Other relationships are far uglier than my breakup was. It depends on the couple and how much of a real relationship you have, I guess.
     
  5. OutofZCloset

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2016
    Messages:
    341
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    redlands
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You are not alone with this issue. I was 26 when I left my husband. I too thought I might be bi as a way to rationalize it myself. It was that I was just dealing with internalized homophobia. With the help of an old friend who came back into my life she helped me realize I was actually gay. If it wasn't for her I'm sure I would have plodded along and lost another 10 years of my life.
    My husband was also very understanding and I was very up front with him throughout the process. To make a long story short I eventually left. Six months later I found my future wife. We have now been together for the last 20 years and we have a daughter of our own.
    You have some difficult times ahead. It's gonna get worse before it gets better. But you do have the support of all of us here who have paved this exact path before you. It will be rocky but you will get through it a happier and more fulfilled person. If you ever need to talk you can PM me.

    ---------- Post added 12th Apr 2016 at 04:54 AM ----------

    Oh by the way....go out to a mountain top and scream "I am gay....I am a lesbian". Do that a few times. It actually does make you feel better. Again it's our own internalized homophobia that makes us feel shame when we say it or have to say it to someone else. It's time to own it....at least to yourself. When you are more comfortable with yourself you'll have an easier time sharing those feelings with others. Don't come out until you can be proud and confident about it otherwise people are just going to make you feel like shit and you won't have the confidence to defend yourself. So the sooner you can say it to yourself without cringing the easier this whole process will be. I hope this all made sense.
     
    #5 OutofZCloset, Apr 12, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2016
  6. looking for me

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2014
    Messages:
    3,791
    Likes Received:
    869
    Location:
    on the Rock, Newfoundland and Labrador
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey Dinosaur, Welcome to EC:smilewave

    your're not alone, in my case i transitioned out of an abusive marriage then realized i was Bi then trans (bi gender). anyway i can only offer hugs and encourage you to keep with the threapy as i do find it helps, im waiting to get with a gender specialist now.


    (&&&)
     
  7. Highlander2

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2013
    Messages:
    363
    Likes Received:
    83
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi dinosaur34, again, welcome to EC. You're absolutely not on your own here. My own story is probably chronicled (yes, chronicled!) in various threads, and it is a very difficult path you go down. But despite ups and downs, I am my own person. I am me and nothing now scares me.
     
    #7 Highlander2, Apr 12, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2016
  8. CapColors

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2015
    Messages:
    898
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    NYC
    Welcome! I'd do some searches on keywords and surround yourself with simialr stories. :slight_smile: there are many. we are here.
     
  9. dinosaur34

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2016
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Minnesota
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    EVERYONE! THANK YOU!

    Big smiles over here.

    (&&&)
     
  10. father76

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2016
    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    HOUSTON
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hi Dinosaur and welcome. you are not alone, there are many who are in your shoes as well. I wish you the best as I also transitioned from my marriage (which did not turn out so well) my situation is the same as Choirboy.... but I am happily married to my partner going on 1 year in may. Keep us posted, as you have many supporters here as well.
     
  11. greatwhale

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
    6,582
    Likes Received:
    411
    Location:
    Montreal
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey dinosaur34, welcome to EC!

    In reference to what Choirboy mentioned above, about that lucky guy, if I saw my ex-wife anywhere near any future wedding of mine, I'd shut the whole thing down and move it to another town...just sayin'...Some guys are a little luckier than I am.

    Spend some time among us, learn much and maybe offer a bit of advice if you think you have something to say, we won't bite, I promise! :grin:
     
  12. father76

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2016
    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    HOUSTON
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    In reference to what Choirboy mentioned above, about that lucky guy, if I saw my ex-wife anywhere near any future wedding of mine, I'd shut the whole thing down and move it to another town...just sayin'...Some guys are a little luckier than I am.

    lol... I totally agree with you greatwhale, that's why I had my wedding far away from my ex-wife and kept it from her, even though she found out later, but oh well.
     
    #12 father76, Apr 13, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2016
  13. RedEyeFlash

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2016
    Messages:
    56
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Guelph, Ontario
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Being scared to come out as gay and committing to it is not a marriage issue at all. I was 20 when I came out to my parents and I couldn't shake the thought of "Shit I can't undo this. I can't unsay that I'm gay." You're not alone in that at all. Being gay and comfortable owning it is just a part of coming out. Best wishes to you.
     
  14. Lipstick Leuger

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2013
    Messages:
    1,113
    Likes Received:
    15
    Location:
    Michigan
    Welcome, you are not alone, although when you are going through it, it sure feels that way! I had three kids and was married 15 years before I left. Hang in there, it is a journey that takes time and you can't hurry it along.
     
  15. yeehaw

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2015
    Messages:
    209
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Oregon
    Hi. I was 39 years old, married to a man, and had two very small children when I figured out that I was gay. I'm 41 now and divorced. My marriage had many problems before I figured out I was gay, and me figuring out I was gay was when I finally accepted that we were extremely unlikely to ever have a healthy marriage, and I then became unwilling to stay married. It was really hard, and still is. I do though think that divorce was right for our particular family.

    My heart goes out to you as you start down the road of claiming who you truly are. It's a pretty wild ride sometimes. This community is a lovely and supportive place. Welcome!
     
    #15 yeehaw, Apr 13, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2016
  16. Choirboy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2013
    Messages:
    1,639
    Likes Received:
    285
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I would probably regard it as one of the seven signs of the Apocalypse, myself.