The idea that being gay is simply about who a person "prefers" to have sex with, where does this come from? Is this true for some people? Is it just about physical intimacy? I understand now, that for me, it is or seems to be, at the core of who I am. The way I feel with a woman is enormously different, in every possible way. But I believed my attraction to women was nothing more than a small, not very significant detail. I thought, wrongly, that since I could perform the physical act of sex with a man, I must be bisexual. It didn't repulse me....it felt empty....just one example. Nothing at all like what happened when I was with a woman, especially a woman that I loved very much. When I gained clarity, had context and some understanding and acceptance, it became very clear that for me, being gay is not a simple preference or small detail. The pain, isolation, frustration, longing, and serious depression makes total sense now. I haven't been living true to who I really am, and it's been destroying me. Can anybody point me in a direction for reading more about this? I want to learn and understand, maybe see examples of people with similar experiences. Suggestions for books, podcasts, videos, etc....much appreciated.
Definitely not directed at you, but the word "preference" in relation to one's sexual orientation always rubs me the wrong way; maybe because it seems to indicate people can choose to be attracted to or intimate with someone outside of their "preference", the way a man who likes blondes might still enjoy or be attracted to redheads, brunettes, etc. Whereas with orientation, we can't help that we're attracted to a specific sex--be it the opposite or the same. Anyway, as to your question: I think it can go beyond sex or not even include sex, for that matter. Asexual people, for example, can still be oriented as straight, gay or bi, because emotionally they are attached to members of the respective sexes aligned with those orientations. Some people need copious amounts of sex in their relationships, others don't--but I imagine for the latter, there still needs to be some sort of physical intimacy, like hugging, cuddling, anything that lets them feel closer to the person they love. I don't know of any specific resources, but no doubt you'll find some threads around here that touch on the topic.
I absolutely loved the novel "Patience and Sarah". For the first time, with a woman, I felt the difference between sex and intimacy, the physical act of sex versus the romantic AND sensual soul connection of making love. I understand the pain, the emptiness, the overwhelming sadness and the loneliness of being in a heterosexual relationship when you are gay.
Very late in life I discovered that I like both men and women very much the same. Never sure how to explain the reason why. It is almost like a complete circle of love with male and female intermingling to complete that circle. With only one side it just does not feel totally complete, totally sensual.
