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any thriving bisexual marriages?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by regkmc, Mar 16, 2018.

  1. regkmc

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    I have been on this journey since being awakened over a year ago. I have accepted that I fantasize about sex with men sometimes. That its my prevalent fantasy. Sometimes it feels urgent, like I need to just relieve myself. It doesn't ever feel like anything more than that, and I rarely feel anything in real life. Often feels unfair, because I never fantasized this way before 39, but I guess suppression and the mind are powerful tools.

    I had an experience with a guy this past summer, so I know it's not all in my head.

    I also am drawn towards women I have a connection with. Had sex with 3 women while separated from my wife. Shockingly, I have rekindled things with my wife over the past month, and we have had a sexual relationship and a much better relationship.

    My two kids (8-9) are the most important people in my life, and it hurts me to not be an active part of their life every single day.

    I love my wife. I love having sex with her. I want to be with my kids all of the time. And yet I have felt terrible about fantasizing about men in addition to having sex with her.....sometimes the next day.

    Perhaps a bit convoluted, but have any bisexual men succeeded in maintaining and thriving in their marriage after awakening? Is my body and anxiety the greatest indicator of not being on the right path? It's confusing having so many competing feelings and priorities.

    I am being totally honest with my wife and plan on continuing that way.

    Thx for any thoughts or insight.
     
  2. SevnButton

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    Hey regkmc, thanks for the post. There are definitely guys who have worked out their hetero marriages with their sexual truth, and others like me who are still trying to figure it out. They'll probably chime in here pretty soon. When I was first married, 20-some years ago, I was totally honest with my wife, but it was really uncomfortable, and the counseling we were getting just didn't feel right. Over time, I let my sexual truth fade into the background, which I now see was not a good choice.
    I believe it's possible to have a thriving bisexual marriage, and it depends very much on your specific circumstances. I wish you the best. I'll be cheering for you!
     
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  3. spartafc

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    Mine did not, but that had less to do with my being (I believed at the time) bisexual than it did just with us both having a lot of issues to work through. She knew I was bi before we got married, btw. Even though I identify as gay now, I do regret that we weren't able to salvage a marriage out of it, simply because we have a kid together, had a house, etc.

    (Sorry to be a downer, lol!)
     
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  4. Caraldo

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    There have been times when my marriage was really good, though I can't say healthy because emotionally neither one of us were healthy . Some where along the line, she wanted to transition to a fairytale marriage, which only exists of course in fairytales . I was happy, I loved her and our family(still do). But I wanted to continue to have role play sex, which in hindsight was the only sex I enjoyed because it satisfied to some extent my needs. If this had been acceptable to her, I don't know that isn't possible on that end we couldn't have continued. I think that the question that needs to be answered here, is can she accept an open marriage, and can you? If you are out having fun, so should she. Another questionto be answered, and it's hard to know, because things can change over time, is this really just an awakening to a side of your sexuality? Or have you repressed the true nature of your sexuality? Because what you might end up realizing is that it is more than a sexual desire. I always struggled with straight sex, but it wasn't until the last few years that the missing piece is that I want not only sexual relations with a man, but a loving and romantic one, which negates the possibility of a successful hetero marriage.
     
  5. Nickw

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    regkmc

    I have been married for thirty two years and out to my wife (I'm bisexual) for two years now. When I first came out, my wife was fine with my sexuality as long as we continued with a monogamous marriage. I decided I did need to nurture my entire sexuality. So, I attended pride, made friends with a number of gay men, attended gay ski events and gay campouts. My wife and I also guy watched together and did some sexual role playing. Mostly me telling her what my fantasies with a man are while we were intimate. My wife also attended some of these with me and met a number of my friends.

    My wife has a low sex drive, so, after a few months she suggested I try some limited m2m intimacy. We developed some rules about what was acceptable. I met a few guys over a year and had limited intimacy. Last fall, I met a man that I spent a lot of time with and we decided that we wanted to do more than what the "rules" were. So, I talked to my wife and she met him and I had a short, but intense, affair with him. With my wife's blessing.

    The main thing is communication. You have to keep discussing how each of you feel. And, the goal needs to be to have a better marriage because of the fulfillment that being able to engage ones full sexuality. I also am very honest with any guy I am intimate with. My marriage has to be the primary relationship. This is not for everybody. I've found that guys my age (mid-fifties) really don't like those rules. So, most of my "friends" are a lot younger. My wife doesn't feel threatened by this.

    It takes a lot of work. A LOT of work. I have found I do have the capacity to love my wife and be intimate with men. But, it is a learning process too.

    Good luck.
     
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  6. SevnButton

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    Nickw! I was hoping you'd join regime's thread. You're living proof of the possibilities.
     
  7. regkmc

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    Thanks everyone for the replies....I appreciate it. I can't say that I struggle with straight sex. I enjoy it and need the intimacy and connection associated with it. I struggle with trying to integrate my now clear preference and ease for FANTASIZING about a sexual interaction with a guy. The anxiety and sexual tension I can feel at times when I don't fully accept or acknowledge that. Being uncomfortable with, or even grossed out by the idea of male touch or closeness at almost every other moment.
     
  8. Nickw

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    I knew I had attractions to men my whole life. But, the thought of kissing a man was repulsive, as was most of m2m sex. I liked the look of certain men. I definitely have a type. If some guy was my type, I found him so attractive and would get turned on. Not to have sex really. Just turned on.

    It wasn't until I was in my forties that I started fantasizing about sex with men. By the time I was fifty I had decided I needed to try sex with men. The urgency I felt was so compelling. Even stronger than when I was young. I think it was seeing that my time to explore this part of my sexuality was limited. I didn't do this since I believed that marriage would not allow that option. But, over time it ate away at me and I had to let my wife know. I started becoming angry at her for keeping me from gay sex even though she didn't know I was bi.

    The worst part was that I became afraid to touch my male friends. No handshakes or backslaps. Even family members. I became so afraid I would be discovered. That's all changed now. Just being able to be open with my wife and truly vulnerable changed everything. I also started meeting gay men for "gay friendships" that did not include sex. This helped me a lot to accept that I am gay (at least a part of me is).

    You may be still having trouble accepting your sexuality. Or, it may be that you, like me, have a type of man you are attracted to. I would say the thought of having sex with 95% of the men I see is sorta repulsive. But, there are a lot of women I don't care for either. I remember my first sexual encounter (just light stuff) with a man I found myself fantasizing my wife was watching us in order to "perform". I just wasn't attracted to him.

    It takes time to get comfortable with this. And, you really do have time even though you may not feel like that sometimes. Just keep the openness going with your wife. That is SO important in this. If you start to hide what you feel from those you love, how can you feel right about it?
     
  9. regkmc

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    Nick and others,

    I really appreciate your reply. I still have a hard time accepting my sexuality. I knew I wasn't 100 percent straight, but basically ignored that side of me. I'm trying to embrace the fantasies I've had, allow myself to have them. I've felt better about that, but it has crowded out any fantasies about women. Which has me at turns feeling sad....anxious..incredulous...upset with myself.....wishing this was something I could fix.

    I don't want to live my life embarrassed about a part of me. And I am. I don't want this, and I know I can't do anything to change it.

    I have had a lot of great friends and friendships over the years with guys, and now (a lot of the time) I feel like a total alien. Can't hang out or relate in the same way. So I don't. I retreat to my most important relationship with my wife and kids, and yet I know that things will never be the same.

    What did you do from 40-50? I am going to a Gamma Group and a Bi Group but I haven't found anyone I can relate strongly to. And I know that it's mostly about me. I'm resistant to moving too quickly ahead with anything because of what I feel I risk giving up if I do....

    It's interesting, I have told a number of friends and family that I believe I'm bisexual, and they don't have an issue. It's much harder for me to accept.
     
  10. smurf

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    I think one of the hard things to learn is that your fantasies that you have for men and even having sex with other man don't wake away from the love and connection that you have for your wife. Just because you are fantasizing about men and having amazing sex with your wife in the span of couple hours doesn't mean that there is a problem that you have to deal with or that you don't love her as much. It just means you are human and you like guys.

    I think the trick, like Nickw said, is to be honest and talk a lot about everything happening. Its tough to get there, but its doable.
     
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  11. SevnButton

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    Regkmc, I get it. That's wonderful that the people you've told are OK with you being bi. If you're like me, this feels really threatening to the things in your life that you hold dearly. It's your choice, of course, but for me, opening up here on Empty Closets really helped me to be OK with myself, and to feel like I didn't have to rush into any big decisions. Keep posting, man!
     
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  12. regkmc

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    Thank you guys. It can really feel exhausting to deal with all of this.....the shame, the uncertainty, the upheaval of a life I seemed to enjoy. Well.....I enjoyed everything but my relationship - felt satisfied with work, enjoyed friends and family, had a lot of fun.....but I desired a deeper connection and more sex with my wife. She didn't seem open to it, and I sought it elsewhere, with other women.

    Like everything in life, more of the issue was about me rather than her. I realize that now. And our relationship is improving. But this awakening was not something I was prepared for. I knew it existed in me, thought it was small and insignificant, but the current reality is undeniable.

    And I haven't wanted to do many of the things that others have recommended on this site, for fear of confirmation that I am actually gay and just holding on to my identity.
     
  13. Nickw

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    You asked how I dealt with my forties with an understanding I was bisexual yet completely keeping it to myself? I ignored it...plain and simple. I enjoyed fantasizing about men and just went on with my life. I had a "switch" I could throw. I got into extreme sports too. Skiing big chutes in the backcountry, rock climbing, ice climbing, kayaking, windsurfing and endurance mountain biking. My wife was my partner in all of this and it was working well. I also had a thriving professional career and built a house. There was always something to distract me. I have some on-line friends like me who did the same thing with raising kids. If you get busy enough, you don't even have to deny anything to yourself.

    But, it ate away at me nonetheless. I started drifting away from intimacy with my wife and withdrawing from close physical contact with my friends and family.

    At 54, I went off a drop skiing and herniated a disc and did some other damage. All of a sudden I faced mortality and it was a wake up call. My wife no longer was interested in sex and I felt unattractive since I wasn't the athlete I was. Until a man hit on me at a bar. Then everything came crashing down.

    Be careful this doesn't happen to you. It has taken me a couple years to get back on my feet emotionally and start rebuilding my marriage and my other relationships. The inability to be vulnerable and open myself up to how I felt about other people was crippling me. I'm not out to anyone except my intimate male friends and my wife. But, I don't feel I need to. I just don't live in fear of discovery and that's all I need to be authentic.

    You don't have to wear a rainbow emblem (although I have) and you don't need to tell everybody if that isn't what you feel you need. Just work on being yourself. Welcome your attractions to men...I now love mine and would not give that up for anything.
     
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  14. regkmc

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    I have had a really hard time ignoring this.

    Some days and weeks I am OK.

    I have felt an urgent need to masturbate at times....just to relieve this underlying tension and anxiety. And then I can feel depressed and unbelievably tired.

    My needs seem to be somewhat at odds. I think I need my wife's love and affection. I know I need to be near and with my kids. I need to feel OK and proud of attraction to a man and fantasizing about sex with a man.

    How did you get to a place of loving yours?

    I have been in therapy for a year, been to Gamma and Bi meetings, and still find myself struggling. I guess not as badly as a year ago, but today feels pretty bad.
     
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  15. SevnButton

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    Wow. That's me -- I could have written those words. Now I am pretty much OK with feeling the attraction to men, and the fantasies aren't a problem. But I'm still working on how to truly be who I am while taking care of the people I cherish; the two feel incompatible. It gives me hope to know that other guys have found solutions even if their solutions don't quite work for me.
     
  16. Nickw

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    You asked a great question. "How did I start loving my SSA"? Hmmm. I've been pondering an answer to that.

    I'm a good guy. Sure, there are things I should change. I could lose a few pounds, try and keep my anger under better control, be more attentive. etc. But, fundamentally, I like myself. I decided there are things I can change and there are things I cannot change. My sexuality is a fundamental part of me. I didn't choose it. If it is bad, why am I not bad? Maybe it's part of what makes me good. It does make me feel good if I don't get bogged down with the complexities it presents. So, why not love it? Why not love myself and everything about me that I cannot change?

    I decided I cannot separate out bits and pieces of me or the whole of me may just fall apart.

    It's not something that happened overnight. It takes some time to undo what I was told my whole life. Part of the reason I am not out to everyone is that I don't want the buzz kill!
     
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  17. regkmc

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    Thanks Nick. Fundamentally, I like who I am too. I always have. This has been the thing that I haven't liked. Haven't allowed to be. Repressed for 15 years, choosing (subconsciously in many ways) to consider my life as a victim of sexual abuse rather than accepting a feeling.

    Now it's here to stay. It exists as my fantasy, at the same time as I make love to my wife, as I explored relationships and one-night stands with other women. I love women, I love the way they feel, taste, kiss, their smell, their aura. But I am not fantasizing about them right now.

    Sometimes I'm not certain if it helps me to be on this site or if it creates more anxiety....I know that I read others situations, and it can make me confused, sad, depressed, anxious. I have an ability to take on others stuff.... I see you have been off and on - has it helped you?
     
  18. Nickw

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    This site helped me as I tried to sort out my sexuality and came out to my wife. I'm, honestly, not sure I would have been able to do it otherwise. I have no one, except my wife, who is a confidant. And, I wasn't sharing this with her. So, I used this site to bounce things off of others. It helped to just know there are others like me.

    I'm back on this site now to try and give a little back from what I received. It's as simple as that. I am pretty content with where I am right now and my life is sorted out. It took me awhile after disclosure to catch my own bearing and this site does, sometimes, have a lot of "noise" that gets confusing.

    Your feelings of anxiety, confusion and sadness are common I think. Regardless of what happens with your wife, you will have the loss of the "straight guy". I mourned that to some extent before I decided it was silly to miss something that never really existed. But, that didn't make it easy to let go of what I was "supposed" to do and become what I am. We build up lives around our sexuality. It doesn't seem like it should matter so much...but it does. It is scary to step away from our comfort zone even if we are being suffocated.

    I wanted to add that bisexuality is real. There are a lot of guys in the gay community that don't believe that. They believe it is a cop out. I hear it all the time. "I went through a bi phase". You sound like you might be a bisexual. I started looking at being bisexual as a bonus. Why wouldn't it be?
     
    #18 Nickw, Mar 21, 2018
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2018
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  19. regkmc

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    I appreciate what you are saying Nick. Thx for writing. I often feel my anxiety is a result of not being able to relate to myself or others in the same way I was accustomed to or enjoyed. I had this affair with a co-worker....in my past life, I might have been able to be open about my challenges....if I told everyone (co-workers, old friends, new friends, neighbors, college buddies, sports teammates) what was really troubling me, I feel like they'd look at me like I had two heads.

    So I have retreated inward....which is ok, but I am trying to figure out how to venture out at some point, because living openly and honestly feels like the best way to be.

    I'd ask you - isn't it easier for you to consider that kind of honesty having gay siblings? I thought I saw that somewhere.

    I really didn't have openly gay or bi family or friends in my life.
     
  20. Nickw

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    I do have several gay siblings. It is a long sorted story and part of the reason it did take me so long to come out and why I haven't told my family.

    I knew I was bi when I married. When we dated I told my wife I thought no one was completely straight including me. She sorta forgot that. But, I knew I needed to bring it up. It sounds silly, but every time I got ready to really tell her a sibling would come out as gay. I'm the ultimate big brother. When one of my younger siblings would come out, I rallied the family behind them. Large family. I had a brother who was married and divorced his wife and now identifies as gay. My parents were very supportive of gay, but not that. So, this sorta took the wind out of my sails with my family.

    My wife does not want me out to friends and family right now. She doesn't want my family to feel sorry for her. She doesn't want my sexuality somehow to be used by her family either. They're sorta homophobic. She is also a Psychiatrist and this sort of open info could be problematic.

    So, our compromise is that I can have my boyfriends to go on a climbing trip or at my out of town office. But, I can't tell anyone that I am seeing men and remaining married. I can go to gay events as a bisexual. So, I get to be out sort of.

    We all find what works. Both my wife and I are well known professionals. It just seems like a lot of drama I don't need.

    We each have to come to terms with what we need to do to feel authentic. In my case, there is no reason to be out. For you, it might be important. Have you discussed it with your wife?