Hi there, I'm having some trouble, maybe some of on you here could give me some thoughts, a kick or a push to think about things differently. I've been doing better and better at my particular situation... the context in brief in case you haven't read some of my other threads --- ...I've come a long way since I came out 2 1/2 years ago, I got to a point where I was very confident and at peace, and just started living with my partner (a woman) who I'm deeply in love with. Then a tragedy knocked me backwards and I'm having trouble finding some positive way to move forward. --- I'm doing better as I've said, but I just feel so much sadness and anger, I feel unsettled and a bit lost. I keep making progress in moving forward but sometimes my feelings are just so unsettled and I have this general feeling that I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore. I want so much to have the life I've been fighting for, I'm so sad sometimes, everything feels lost sometimes.... maybe I'm just having a moment...
hey hun. I think, as ive said before, that you need to sit with a counselor. in particular Im thinking a greif counselor? a lot of the feelings you describe resemble some that I had at the death of my grandmother. that was a long time ago but I felt the resemblance a couple nights ago when I was laying in bed, unpacking a lot of my childhood/adolescent/teen years.
I'm going to sign up for counselling again, I'm seeing someone at our LGBT centre tomorrow (was supposed to be Friday, but it's been changed), and I think she'll get me on a list and tell me about other resources. It will likely be a few months until I can start counselling though. But i know toure right this is what I should be doing.
glad to hear this. when my nan died, I had no one to talk to. these things weren't done back then in rural Newfoundland. I still have moments and it's been 36 years. getting this sorted out may be the biggest thing you've done since coming out but I believe it will be so worth it to you and those you love and love you.
I'm not sure of your particular situation, but something you said made me think i might have something to contribute. First thing was the moving forward, life is definitely about moving forward, but it's not race, there isn't a finish line "I made it, I won life". It's easy to get in the mindset, once I ... *fill in the blank" i'll be good. Coming out, getting married, kids, etc, etc. Life is always a work in progress. You can't let other things not allow you to be happy. There is always reasons to not be happy. Find the small ones too be happy. I know it's a cliche, but it's true. You have to allow yourself to be happy. I'm not sure what made you so sad and angry, but you can feel that and also feel happy about other things in your life and that's ok. It's ok to be upset and it's ok to be happy. I also totally get the "I don't know what the hell I"m doing anymore" I'm working on an open marriage and my wife spent the night at her gfs last night. So yah life is odd... sometimes good odd sometimes not. When we "know what the hell we're doing" that doesn't mean we're happy, and not knowing doesn't mean we have to be unhappy. Getting counselling would definitely be a good idea and doing what you're doing by posting things like this help. On a personal note, getting things out of my head onto the screen is good free therapy for me.
As we have discussed in the past, your journey is never a straight line. There will be ups and downs. The more you progress, the more you uncover about yourself. Not sure the journey ever ends; but your doing a great job figuring yourself out!
Please allow me to say there is such powerful and true thinking and lovely advice on this thread. Baristajedi: all the best in finding new counselling it is a really positive way forward. I am on my second tranche of counsellingand lucky enough to be going tis morning but yes there is a wait it took me six months this time but worth it. Do like your avatar btw. Best h
I know it was a long time ago, but I'm sorry for your loss, i know that it's something you carry when you've been really close to someone. Your nan must have been very dear to you. I still miss my grandma, I've lost all my grandparents, but her death hit me hardest because she was just such a beacon of love and light and strength and joy. S's death (my partner's ex) has hit certain nerves in me and it's difficult for me to work through it, but it's more internal issues than affection and closeness... I feel like it's giving me reasons to look st things I may need to look st though. His death will never be good or ok but I can take the positives that stem from my own growth that comes out of this experience. I know that's what I need to do. And on some level I think the "good" I can see in his death iscthst he chose it, so it must mean he has ended a deep internal struggle and now he's at peace. Leaving my partner and her sons with massive trauma but ...see this is how mixed my feelings are. I say one thing and another thought springs from it. I suppose that mixture of feelings is natural though, and I just have to work through each bit.
Everything you say here is something I've been trying to see so I can approach things better. To be completely honest, I am feeling joy and love and happiness everyday right now, while also on other levels feeling shame, guilt, pain, even pain at old issues that this new thing has brought to the surface, things that hurt from my past; but I do feel joy when I play with my daughter or my partner's sons, when I spend time with my partner, when I spend time with my daughter's dad (who is my best friend) and with my friends, when I listen to music; we and I personally are/am maintaining the things that make up our full life, especially because we know the kids need it and we will be healthier for it. But i have some complicated feelings about being able to have that joy alongside other emotions, given the situation - my partner's ex has taken his life; it's now 8 weeks so I've gone through a really big set of emotions already, now I'm at a point where I kind of know how to move forward but the feelings are difficult to process. It's such a big range of emotions, and things I didn't think I was even still working through as well... everything you're saying is really helpful, it reminds me of the importance of validating and experiencing all the ranges of emotions at this point.
Thank you onthehighway, I think, as silly as this sounds, sometimes I feel like I need a little validation that I'm doing ok. And your post makes me feel like I am doing ok. You're so right, the journey doesn't really end, and it's not a straight line. I've never been much good at 'going straight' anyway I suppose, as I said in one response above, that this has uncovered things I need to work on within myself, and that's good that I am able to recognise those things. I was just thinking today on the bus... one thing that has come out of amynof the pain in coming out, making decisions about how that impacted my life, getting rid of shame, separating, and now this, all the time I felt pain, I also felt like I was uncovering a need to feel and express and explore deep internal feelings that I have buried in various ways in my life; in some ways these painful paths bring new life and uncover new meaning to living and allow me to discover ways to live more fully I feel that this is one of those times, but I involves a lot of learning; and I may feel peace and joy as a result/part of all of this learning but there will still be periods of pain and growth along with it too. i guess that's all just part of life, I'm lucky to be fully living, and lucky to have the opportunity to live meaningfully and grow.
Thanks Hillary B, counselling is definitely a really positive experience; it has been for me in the past. I know it will be very valuable. I'm glad you are getting the chance to get what you need through counselling too. And about the avi, I love Star Wars, you too? It was time for a badass woman to be a Jedi, so I'm a big Rey fan!
"work through each bit..." this is a good plan, not taking the totality of the death of S and your own trauma, etc. one bite at a time sister. and thank you soo much about Nan. her name is going to be my new middle name so i can always have her with me where ever i go
Yes me too I'm a big Rey fan in fact I was smitten lol. Big Star wars fan for the original which I saw in c late seventies when I was like 12 years old.. thanks for your other advice you obv get gounselling: lovely.
I must agree with what @OnTheHighway and @HelpLOL both said. I personally have had so many setbacks in life, sometimes it feels like I take a step forward and 2 steps back. My journey continues to have winding roads indeed! I'm glad you're going to get counseling...it's really important. I know it's tough now, but just try to breathe, and only deal with the present...don't think about anything but what's going on now, today, this hour, etc. Take one step at a time. You will be alright. Hugs to you.
Yes but even if it only seems two steps back well TRY to take 2 or 3 forward. Progress is paramount move. forwards.
the thing is, big steps or little steps Ever Forward, that is the only path for all of us. i tried living in the past, and i tried stepping in place/time. neither worked, this is why im transitioning, this is why i came out about my sexuality. one eye on the past for it's lessons but always stepping in the path forward.
