1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Any English speaker with good grammar can help?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Vega222, Mar 16, 2020.

  1. Vega222

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2015
    Messages:
    270
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Iran
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi,

    Well my friend who always teach me the violin for free, is learning English. He writes some small writings in order to be prepared for IELTS. I did review a few of them for him and tried to correct at least some of his errors. But I think a native speaker with good grammar could do it much much better.

    Is there anyone here who has good English grammar and also some free time helping my good friend? I am grateful for any help. I can send his last writing here or into PV.

    I am learning English myself. So, It'd be much of a help for myself too.
     
  2. Corax

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2020
    Messages:
    59
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Dayton, Ohio
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hello!

    I'm not sure how much I'll be able to do since I'm a new member, but I would be happy to help. Are you looking specifically for editorial help, or more nuanced tutoring? I don't have a lot of experience with active teaching, but I do have quite a bit of experience with editing and feedback.
     
  3. Vega222

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2015
    Messages:
    270
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Iran
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hello and welcome,
    I'm grateful for any help. You may see the text below. Someone corrected its grammatical errors. But it is far from being good enough, you know. Many phrases and words are not natural and should be replaced with better words. That's what I want. I want someone to correct them and gives some comments if necessary.
    Of course, I don't expect it to be perfect! Even correcting one single error would be helpful.

    I hope it doesn't bother you too much.

    ---------
    Topic:

    -Some people believe that face to face communication is always more powerful than written communication.
    -To what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give your own opinion and include relevant examples.

    ---------

    Humankind is a communicated and sociable creator, and always tries to collaborate and have a good connection with each other. Several people prefer face to face communication and they believe it is a better way than text messages. I think talking face to face is positive and has a good understanding of emotions.

    Text messages include various words from the writer and you read it with your own understanding. The words cannot carry hate and love and sometimes it makes it misunderstanding and vague. You judge the purpose of the writer with your thought, even though it might be wrong. The concept of the written page is a blur and you recognize that with your perception.

    When you meet a person and start to speak with him, you can understand his feeling through his accent, his body language, and even his voice tonality. While in written message you cannot understand his emotion as well as the meeting. Humankind always tries to transfer and express words and feelings by speaking, moving his hands or changing his face figures. For example, when I’m happy and I want to announce good news, I change my voice volume, I speak loudly and shake my hands to communicate better with people and cause attention. Eventually, they feel my mood successfully.

    In conclusion, face to face communication is better and more useful than written. When people meet and communicate with each other, they can understand their aim and emotions better than written messages and the intention is much more clear than text messages.
     
    #3 Vega222, Mar 18, 2020
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2020
  4. Corax

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2020
    Messages:
    59
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Dayton, Ohio
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    It's no trouble at all! I've taken a quick glance through the essay this evening, and I will work on it a bit more tomorrow morning before sharing it with you! I wanted to make sure you didn't think I had forgotten. :slight_smile:
     
  5. Vega222

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2015
    Messages:
    270
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Iran
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Then you brought good tidings. Thanks.
     
  6. Ram90

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2015
    Messages:
    856
    Likes Received:
    259
    Location:
    India
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I conduct hour-based IELTS Exam training sessions (Yes, that's quite a profitable thing here in India, go figure!) for potential test-takers here in India, so I'd be delighted to look through what your friend's written up.

    I just wanted to ask how you're going to share the comments on his work and what you're going to say as to where you got the comments/critique on his work from? Will you be mentioning EmptyClosets or sharing the link to this thread directly with them?
     
    #6 Ram90, Mar 19, 2020
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2020
  7. Vega222

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2015
    Messages:
    270
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Iran
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Interesting. Yeah, it's profitable here too!

    I didn't mention EmptyClosets yet. I'd prefer not to, Cause I did say my thoughts which are kinda personal. But I can if he gets curious.
    But he knows I like men and He has no problem with it. He is my online friend and I know him for more than 5 years. I have no friend that lives near me for now.
     
  8. Ram90

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2015
    Messages:
    856
    Likes Received:
    259
    Location:
    India
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    @Vega222 Your friend definitely structured the answer in a nice way, well according to me at the very least. They’ve included an introduction paragraph, 2 paragraphs of content and a conclusion paragraph. Many examples of writing I’ve seen have this type of a structure. So I’d say that’s a good start.

    This is how I would answer this question. I'm not an expert, but this is what I felt I could write. I based my answer on whatever you friend wrote. I changed a few sentences and added a few to it. :slight_smile:

    Humans are communicative and sociable, always trying to collaborate and have a good connection with one another. Several people prefer face-to-face communication, believing it to be better than sending text messages. I agree with them and think speaking face-to-face is positive allowing people to have a better understanding of emotions.

    Communicating through text messages is open to interpretation and words in general, according to me, cannot convey hate and love adequately. This may result in misunderstandings and can be vague. It is common to judge the writer and what the message they intend to convey through their writing, even if it may be wrong. The concept of the written page is a blur.

    On the other hand, when you meet a person and start speaking with them, it is easier to understand their meaning and feelings through their gestures, their body language and even their tone. This cannot be understood through written communication. As we notice in daily life, humans tend to express more through gestures, speaking out their thoughts and through facial expressions. For example, when I’m happy and wish to express it, I speak louder than usual, gesturing with my hands to communicate better, thus holding the other person’s attention in a better manner than through a written message. I find people can understand me successfully, quickly and easily this way.

    In conclusion, face-to-face communication is better and more useful than written communication. It is easier for people to understand intentions and emotions better when they communicate personally rather than through sending text messages to each other. Clarity is always the key, in order to avoid confusion.

    Hope I could help! Good luck to your friend!
     
  9. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Messages:
    6,062
    Likes Received:
    1,331
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    This question contained an error actually, using the word extend, rather than extent.
     
  10. Corax

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2020
    Messages:
    59
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Dayton, Ohio
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Feedback first! (note, “you” refers to the author)

    Careful not to bounce between grammatical persons (first, second, third) in your essay. This can be distracting to the reader.

    Some of the biggest things I noticed are vague usages of “they”. If there is no reference point to whom you are referring when you say “they”, the statement becomes meaningless. If you have a reference, like an article or essay, it’s fine to quote it, but then be sure to cite your reference! If it is just a personal observation, it’s best to state that too. You did this well in the third paragraph when you say “for example, when I am happy…”

    When you say “you” in your writing, you’re essentially putting words in the reader’s mouth. It’s important not to make assumptions about the reader because if those assumptions are wrong, it can break the reader's immersion. If you can modify these second person sections into third person, then it doesn’t address the reader specifically and keeps the flow moving forward.

    Another thing I noticed is many redundant statements. When possible, use as few words as possible to communicate your point. If two phrases say essentially the same thing, get rid of one of them. Also when possible, use the simplest words to get your point across. It can be tempting to go to the thesaurus and find a fancy word, but resist that temptation!

    Each paragraph should contain one theme. In this essay, you have an opening paragraph which introduces your thesis, a second paragraph which discusses the failings of text messaging, a third paragraph which discusses the benefits of in person communication, and then a closing paragraph which reiterates your thesis. This is excellent! When writing, be sure to keep your thoughts organized, don’t wander between topics in each paragraph. You did a good job of having the closing sentence of each paragraph lead into the next paragraph!

    If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask!
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    Humans are communicative and social creatures. They often try to collaborate and connect with one another. There are two basic types of communication: spoken and written. One type of written communication is text messaging. I prefer face to face communication to text messaging. I believe that talking face to face conveys emotions better and is more sincere.

    Text messages consist of written words chosen by the writer and interpreted by the reader. Those words cannot convey nuanced emotions like hate or love well. The meaning behind written words can be unclear, and influenced by the reader’s perception. This can cause misunderstandings.

    When people speak face to face, things like accents and tones of voice can help them understand one another. People can also gesture with their hands and change their expression to aid in communication. For example, when I am happy and I want to share good news, I speak loudly and shake my hands to grab people’s attention. I can then share my feelings more easily.

    Face to face communication is more sincere and more useful than text messaging. When people speak with each other, they can better communicate their thoughts and feelings than through the written word.
     
  11. Vega222

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2015
    Messages:
    270
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Iran
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Good catch. Actually I wrote it from a screenshot. I checked it again, It was the extent. My mistake, Thanks.
     
  12. Vega222

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2015
    Messages:
    270
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Iran
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Wow, That's great. I just showed it to my friend and he liked it.

    He wants to know what score do you give to his writing?

    And he asks, is it not a negative point to use the same word more than one time? Like you used two "communication " in one sentence of the last paragraph. Isn't it reduce the score?
     
    #12 Vega222, Mar 20, 2020
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2020
  13. Vega222

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2015
    Messages:
    270
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Iran
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Your comments were amazing, As my friend said. Thanks a lot.
    There is one thing I should've said to you, But I hadn't. It is for IELTS task 2 and it must be at least 250 words. So, That's one problem for him. He always struggles to write 250 words about the topics, so, he somehow repeats things or stretches sentences to reach the 250 words. Resulting in redundant sentences and words as you said.

    He wants to know how he can solve this problem. How he can manage to write 250 words without writing redundant sentences and words? Maybe he must expand some specific paragraphs, for example, the introduction (paragraph 1)?
     
  14. Corax

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2020
    Messages:
    59
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Dayton, Ohio
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Something I would probably do is add a third support paragraph. The "standard" simple essay format is an opening paragraph stating the thesis, then three paragraphs of supporting that thesis, and a closing paragraph reiterating the thesis. So rather than repeat what he already has, I would encourage him to try and look at it from a different angle! See if he can think of other reasons why text messaging might be more difficult. Or more reasons why face to face conversation allows for more sincere and effective communication.

    He could also break his pro-face to face paragraph into two paragraphs. One for discussing the verbal nuances that you can add in face to face communication, and a separate one for body language. Give separate examples for each of them. He already mentions both of those positives, so hopefully he has some more thoughts on the subject.

    I'm not super familiar with high level second language exercises. But perhaps it would be easier to write all of his thoughts down in his native language first. Brain storm all of his discussion points (and try to grab a few extra ones that maybe he hasn't thought of yet!) and then once he has all his thoughts on paper, he can work on converting that into English and integrating it into his essay? Or maybe he's already doing that, in which case you can disregard!
     
  15. Ram90

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2015
    Messages:
    856
    Likes Received:
    259
    Location:
    India
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    @Vega222 I can't score his writing accurately, unfortunately. I've always dealt with Speaking, Reading and Listening scoring. Writing is tricky to score because of the number of factors that are taken into consideration.

    As for using the same word twice in a sentence, yes. There are people/instructors who say that using a word more than once in a sentence may reduce the score. But in my defense, I felt that since I was talking about somewhat of a term "Face-to-Face Communication" vs "Written Communication", by writing "Face-to-Face Communication is better and more useful than the written one" or "better and more useful than the written type" seems incomplete to me.

    As for the word limit, what I've written is a little over 250 words. I always try to keep my Introduction and Conclusion Paragraphs at a maximum of 50 words each. That way I'm left with 150 words for my main content. Depending on the topic and whether you agree or disagree with the statement, you can have multiple points to talk about. Try to limit the points to 3. That way you can have 2 paragraphs of 75 words each (In the case of 2 reasons/points) or 3 paragraphs of 50 words each (In the case of 3 reasons/points).

    That's how I teach my students anyway, ha ha, and so far most of them scored between of 6.0 and 7.0 in the writing modules of Academic IELTS examinations. Not that it isn't impossible to score higher than that. I've seen people with scores of 7.5 out of 9.0 in Writing, not many though, since I consider it a bit difficult. Not to discourage anyone. Since I nor any of my students are studying to become English professors, I don't feel it is necessary to work doubly hard to try and get a full score of 9.0 in each module. Most universities are ok with an overall score of 6.5 or 7.0 with a minimum score of 6.0 or 6.5 in each individual module. So achieving more than a 7.0 or a 7.5 in Reading, Listening and Speaking modules for an average English speaking candidate is not difficult.

    Apologies for the essay response. :grin:
     
    #15 Ram90, Mar 21, 2020
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2020
  16. Vega222

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2015
    Messages:
    270
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Iran
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
  17. Vega222

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2015
    Messages:
    270
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Iran
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Please rephrase this question to a better and more natural sentence:

    Today was the first time I got good news in a year.
     
  18. Vega222

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2015
    Messages:
    270
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Iran
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    What does he mean by the bold part:

    Historians are professionally fretful about reading the story backwards rather than forwards, projecting the languages and institutions of our own time into a past quite innocent of them. Nationalism, we are trained to assume, is a modern invention. But what then do we make of these utterances with their passionate attachment to territory and local memory? They document, unmistakably, if not nationalism, then at least ‘nativism’, a politics of birthplace, of land and language. After these voices were heard, Britain would never be the same.​
     
    #18 Vega222, Jun 29, 2020
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2020