Hello all. I have a problem and I am not sure how to approach it. There is no one I know in the real world who I can discuss this with, but I’m grateful that I can speak here. I suffer from depression. I am taking an antidepressant that helps but does not cure. I am seeing a therapist who has thus far been good when we have sessions, but is unreliable about keeping them. I am disgusted with myself for being unable to control my depression. It makes me unpleasant to be around, from time to time. This creates a feedback loop. The less pleasant I am, the greater self disgust I feel, making me less pleasant. My wife is growing visibly tired of me and my depression. This horrifies me. At 38 years, a life without depression seems unrealistic. So I have set about keeping my depression as concealed and independently/internally managed as possible. I have employed exercise, early bed times, engagement in hobbies (reading, music, video games), in addition to diligently sticking to my prescribed medication and engaging in therapy with honesty, good faith, and a commitment to letting the process work (when I can get her on Zoom, that is). All of these things help, but they aren’t solving my problem, which is this: My depression is so tiresome, that when it regularly and reliably manifests, I see a look on my wife’s face that I can read only as “I regret marrying you.”
Depression affects so many of us. I have been dealing with it for probably around 30 years. Its not fun nor is it particularly easy. My wife deals with it too and I will admit that I find her depression tiresome at times, but in my opinion she doesn't do enough to try and mitigate it. Sometimes, it makes dealing with my own more difficult. I would say two things. STOP WITH THE DISGUST! You aren't doing it intentionally. You are doing what you should be doing. It isn't a weakness it is brain chemistry. Find ways to express it externally that are healthy. It could be as simple as saying to a friend, coworker or stranger, "I deal with depression. " It helps to de-stigmitize it. You don't have to put on a happy face for others, but recognize that there are times when you probably do have to de-emphasize it for others. I get trying not to be a Debbie downer, but that just leaves you exhausted and more vulnerable.
One more point, I never say that I suffer from depression. To me, that wording puts me in a powerless position. I trying to avoid words like deal with or cope with for the same reason. I prefer to use things like manage and other words that indicate that I'm the one in command not the depression.
Thank you for your advice. I agree about the power of words, and the power to subtly mold reality through word choice. It’s true that I suffer as a consequence of my depression, but I also take steps to manage it. One is something that happens to me. The other is something I choose to do. Why shouldn’t my depression be defined in terms of what I do about it, rather than what it does to me? As for stopping with the self disgust, I wish it were so simple. Self disgust has been my dominant emotion since my earliest memories. My faith that a life without depression and self loathing remains fragile but intact. Faith (or hope) is all I have to work with, because I have no concept of how to get to a happier way of life, or what that life would be like. I know what I’m supposed to do, and I’m good at doing what I’m supposed to do. That list of measures I’m taking, none of them were my idea. They’re all from the conventional wisdom of what a depressed person is supposed to do. The bullet points in the pamphlet. It all feels like more of the same. I’ve been living like I’m supposed to, following all the rules, checking all the boxes, achieving all the expected achievements. From a comfortable distance, my life looks like everything is adhering perfectly to The Plan. If I were more publicly a train wreck, maybe it would be easier. It’s the dissonance that disturbs me and those who manage to hear it. There is no harmony, only discord, between the my own sense of self and the character I play on the show that starts when I wake up and ends when I go to sleep.
While all those suggestions and lists are helpful, they can also be a hindrance because they start to feel like obligations and when they aren't tailor fit to you, they start to feel like failures. Try and find something no matter how small that works just for you.
staticinmyattic.....I also take meds for depression. It's possible that you need either a different dosage of your medication or even a different medication. I went through several different meds and dosages before we (therapist and I) finally got it right. Also...put your therapist on the spot...a therapist who doesn't keep their scheduled appointments or who won't make appointments on a regular basis is not doing you any good!. .....David
First of all, Static, let me point out one obvious thing - there's a lot to be depressed about in 2022: * We've all been living through the first worldwide pandemic for a century and have all experienced trauma to a lesser or greater extent. * Climate change is probably unstoppable and will adversely affect the lives of millions and may well bring to an end human life on Earth. * Right wing 'strong man' populist leaders stalk the planet. Britain is living under one such regime, as are Hungary and Brazil. The US came within a whisker of losing its democratic system in January 2021. It may well fall in 2024. And against this bleak backdrop you're coming to terms with being trans. I'd say that's a lot to deal with. Secondly, if your therapist is unreliable, find a new one. Talk honestly with your wife about this. You say a life without depression seems unrealistic - she must have married you knowing that you are predisposed to melancholy to some degree. The very fact that she is hanging around after you've come out to her shows that she is a good 'un. You're lucky to have a supportive partner. As for the self-disgust - how much of it do you think is tied up with not truly accepting being trans? I don't know about others on here, but realising I was a trans woman was actually a source of great joy, at least initially. Finally, I was able to face up to deep deep feelings of shame and disgust at myself. Don't get me wrong, I went through a number of weeks when I was at the 'bargaining' stage, but eventually that passed and I realised 'f*** it. This is who I am and I'm proud of her'. I'd say start with the basics - what has tended to bring you joy and happiness in the past? What brings you joy and happiness now? You mentioned hobbies like reading, music, video games etc - do they honestly not bring you joy, even of a fleeting kind? Anyway, I've wittered on for long enough. One final thing - don't be ashamed or disgusted at your depression. It's endemic in Western society! I'd even go as far to say that late period commodity capitalism is predicated on keeping us in a constant state of despondency - after all, you can't sell things to people whose material and spiritual needs are already satiated! Big hugs, Beth
