hi everyone, So I only came out about a year and a half ago and since then I’ve been trying to deal with it and accept it etc... I’ve made good progress and am now looking to starting dating I’ve been chatting to a really nice girl who i met online the other week. We’ve spoken on the phone a few times and the chats have gone great. She’s a bit younger than me, I’m 35 and she’s 29 but my problem is that she doesn’t know that I haven’t been out very long and that all my past relationships have been with men. She hasn’t outright asked me about past relationships, it’s more kind of like she just presumes that my past partners were women and I’ve not necessarily corrected her. I want to tell her as although I know I’m not lying, im not exactly being truthful either and this bothers me. Does anyone have any hints or tips with how I can go about this please? I ask as I feel really nervous about it, like I’m going to be judged or something. Thanks
I think I would just be honest and yourself. If she's going to judge you on not being a "gold star lesbian" then frankly she's not for you. You could just say something like "I have dated men in the past, but I see myself forming a loving relationship with a woman now and in the future."
@Peterpangirl thanks for your reply. I know I just need man up and tell her what’s what and see what happens really. Thanks again, appreciate it
It's so difficult when you really like and are attracted to someone. You really want that person to like and appreciate you back. It is natural to fear rejection in this scenario - gay or straight. If she's a decent person and fancies you back she will see how genuine you are about her and give you a fair try for dating. Good luck. X
If you're looking toward a serious relationship, I'd just come out (ha ha) and tell her. It may be awkward and hard, but if it's a deal-breaker for her, she's not worth your time, and it's better for you to know that early in the relationship. Let us know how it goes.
Hey Dotwork, great question. I'm not out, so the way I relate to your question is the way I try to present myself to anyone I'm trying to get to know. My impression from what you say is that you want this person to think of you in a certain way, like an experienced lesbian, but that's not your self image. My suggestion to you would be to just be as honest and open as you can be, that's what really opens the door to connecting with people. I know it's not easy, but please don't worry about being judged. You are the only person who gets to judge your truth. Best wishes! =Sevn
I'm wondering if the real issue here is your inexperience with women rather than your history dating men?
Hi everyone, thanks for your replies. I agree that I should be myself and be honest about my past rather than try to hide that part of myself. @SiennaFire i think it’s a bit of both. My inexperience with women, due to my history of dating me. The kinda correlate a bit maybe... So update, I did tell her the other night while on the phone. It didn’t go down too great, she was a bit annoyed that I hadn’t mentioned it sooner and thought that I should have just been upfront about it from the start. From what I gather, I think she’s had some bad experiences with other women who have previously dated men, in that they’ve gone back to guys are after a while and so she’s been hurt. I totally get that but did try to explain that you can’t judge everyone in the same way but I think it made her apprehensive. Anyway, at the end of that convo, we agreed to be friends which was cool. But then saying that, I’ve spoken to her a few times since and there’s still flirting and stuff and so I’m not entirely sure what’s going on tbh. I’ve no problem being friends tho (you can never have to many) but We’re actually meeting up next week and so it’ll be interesting to see what that’s like. I’ll keep yous posted One thing I will say though, it was a lesson and I would definitely be upfront about it from the start going forward Thanks again.
I feel there's too much shaming going on here regarding how long you've been out. Being recently out is a blessing in your life. and others should not make you feel bad about it. (I'm assuming that you are past your coming out high, which would require some caveats). It seems she has a hangup with the recently out based on prior experience. This is her problem, not yours. You'll get to a point where your experiences with women will outweigh your experience with men, and then the fact that you dated men will become less of a hangup and just part of the experiences that you bring.
Hey Dotwork - yeah, other people have their "stuff" that comes from prior relationships. I agree that it's her issue, not yours, but you can still be understanding. No matter though, because the benefits of being open and genuine are great, no matter what's going on with the other person. It's a big red flag if it's a problem being honest. Hugs! =Sevn
Oh yeah, I meant to say thanks, because your posts got me thinking about where I need to be more honest.
That is not kind of her and it’s definitely on her. It’s definitely up to you to disclose. Think of any new relationship — you disclose past relationships when you’re ready.
Inexperience is part of the anxiety but that can be overcome. A few years back I met my first real gay man who I had a relationship with. I told him I was a late bloomer. He was not put off. Being honest is probably the best thing you can do. Tell her and my guess is she will accept you or even be thrilled to be with someone new.
How long had you been talking to her? I think she is being a little harsh but that is for sure because of her past experiences, I think it's best to get these things out in the open sooner rather than later but at the same time only when you are ready, you never feel as though you have to share (as long as you aren't lying, which you weren't). It's tempting when you find someone you are interested in to go to lengths to get them to like you and sure we all want to present ourselves at our best but you have to be careful because ultimately they have to like you for who you are deep down if a relationship is ever going to become long term and solid, so if they have a problem with the fact you have been with men or have never been with a woman then they aren't the person for you, the right person won't have an issue with it.
Morning everyone, Thanks again for your replies. @SiennaFire i agree that there was some shaming going on. The conversation kind of made me feel bad about my past, which obviously I can’t change. One part of the conversation really annoyed me when she said ‘you’re just bored babe, go back to men’. I told her that wasn’t fair and that’s not the case at all. And also, I’m not being funny but if it was that simple then I bloody would. I’ve turned my life upside down finally being honest with myself (and others too) about who I am. Let’s face it, being straight is still the easier option. I’m not saying that it’s the right way but from a societal point of view it’s the easiest and so I found it offensive when she said that. @SevnButton Yep I agree, people definitely have their ‘stuff’ myself included. And her possibly having an issue with this is 100% her problem and not mine. I totally agree with that. And yep, it is a big red flag. This is where she gets confusing though, she said that didn’t like it and that we should be friends instead but then the next day was flirting and messing around like crazy...who knows?!?! Also, you’re welcome about the post. It’s always good when something gets you thinking isn’t it. @signmypapyrus i completely agree and that’s how I feel too. For example, when I used to date men I would never have sat there chatting about my ex’s with them. Sure maybe one or two things may come up when you refer to something in your past but generally you just don’t talk about it in initial stages. If on a date, a guy kept on referring to this ex or that ex, that would actually be a red flag for me, like why do you think I care about your ex’s? It seems a bit different with women though? She speaks about ex’s quite a bit and I’ve chatted with other women who have done the same. Is this common? Or am I just one of those people who doesn’t talk about it?? @pasinhose Thanks for message. I guess it’s a case of some people will be ok with it and others won’t. That’s their prerogative too isn’t it. I’m sure they’ll be certain things about someone’s past that I may not like but I’d like to think that I wouldn’t judge them on it. @silverhalo We had been messaging for about a week, just general chit chat but had only spoke on the phone for a few days by the time i told her. They were long phone calls where I probably had the opportunity to say it earlier than what I did but she never asked and I didn’t tell. I certainly didn’t lie or anything either, I didn’t refer to fake girlfriends or anything like that. I just didn’t say anything and let her chat away instead. Yeah it was bothering me that I hadn’t disclosed this bit to her which is why i did. I felt it was hindering the conversations a bit as I would find myself editing ever so slightly (as in leaving parts out, not making stuff up) and I didn’t like it. Still, she knows now which I’m pleased about. How it is going forward is anyone’s guess. Like I said in an earlier post, we’re supposed to be meeting next week but I’ve no idea if it’s as friends or is a date or what. I think the best thing to do is to go there with it being a friends thing rather than a date and then just see what happens Thanks again for everyone’s messages. They really are appreciated
Yeah friends is a good start if it's meant to be it will happen and if not then it wasn't meant to be anyway. I don't think there is a right time to mention these things I mean nobody is going to go around and say hi my name is ......... and I've only ever slept with men before.
