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Any advice for a gay who's trapped in a never ending cycle of not being able to come out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by A Hermit, Jul 23, 2020.

  1. A Hermit

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    The title pretty much says it but first let me give you a bit of my backstory.

    I'm a 19yo gay who lives in Germany and who is the son of Turkish immigrants. I've been living in the closet for my entire live and I've reached the point in my live where I just grew tired of censoring myself and wanting to come out so that I can finally live my life.

    The problem is that if I came out now I would most likely be mentally and possibly physically abused by my parents and I might end up being kicked out, so the next logical step for me would be to move out and become financially independent before I do that.

    My current Job is anything but stable and my paycheck isn't enough for me to pay rent, bills and essentials like food. So I decided to apply for an apprenticeship this year (which takes around three years to complete here) so that I have a more stable Job and a better paycheck.

    So all that's left for me is to wait three years until I can finally come out, right? Well it's a little more complicated than that.

    My parents are very open about them wanting to get me married as soon as I complete my apprenticeship and have a solid income. My mom even started to bring up her best friends daughter in conversations (a 15yo girl who I've never met in person btw) and she keeps on mentioning how we have similar interests or straight up even tells me how she'd LOVED to have her as a daughter-in-law. So basically she tries to get me interested in her as a potential bride.

    I was supposed to start my apprenticeship this September, but to be completely honest I didn't even apply to any companies and used Covid as an excuse to my parents because of this.

    So here I am, in this never ending cycle of me not being to come out because I'm not financially independent, me not being financially independent because my parents would pressure me into marriage right afterwards, and me not wanting to marry a woman because I'm gay (and also because I don't want to ruin someone else's life just so that I can solve my own problems)

    The only person that I came out to thus far is my older cousin who is also gay, but I can't ask him for more then emotional support since he's in a similar situation and coming out to my siblings isn't an option since they're the kind of people who immediately say the f-word whenever there is a queer person on tv. I don't have any IRL friends either that I could go to so here I am, asking my fellow LGBTQ+ members for advice onto how to deal with this situation because I'm seriously starting to loose my mind.

    Thanks in advance!!
     
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  2. Bisurprise

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    Wow, so sorry you have to deal with this.
    My only advice I guess is to bullshit your way through (lol sorry). Definitely strive to be financially independent but maybe say you want to wait a bit to have savings first to "be able to afford a nice wedding" or so your wife won't be "stressed". The minute you secretly find a place and feel like you can afford a couple months there, you can come out to them if you like because you'd have plan B essentially.
    It sounds crass I know, and it's a unique situation. Again, sorry I couldn't be more of a help
     
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  3. Vega222

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    No offence, But even long-living in Germany haven't changed them a bit?

    You don't have to come out to your family, Maybe? You can avoid getting married without doing that.
    Just try to have a good expertise and then get a job that makes you financially independent. With that, they won't be able force you get married.
    Try to be nice with your mother, But you are the one who should decide how to live your life.
     
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  4. Sparky2002

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    This sounds very hard. Maybe once you finish your apprenticeship and you are stable, come out to them before they try to find you a bride. Or if possible you could get a part time job while you're doing your apprenticeship so that you have a little money saved up even before you get stable income.
     
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  5. PatrickUK

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    You don't say where you live in Germany, but if it's one of the major cities have you explored what's available to you within the local LGBT community in terms of support, assistance and friendship? Are there any groups in your locality that you could turn to? Building up a close support network will be key to moving forward out of this bind you find yourself in.

    Perhaps this website will be useful: https://www.lsvd.de/de/home

    Working towards greater independence seems like the right idea now, but if you can make some friends and contacts in your local LGBT community it will give you a sense of direction and a possible route out of the endless cycle.
     
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  6. bingostring

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    I think you need to play the long game... ie: have a 2-3 year plan to get on your own feet financially, so you are not dependent on your parents then ... set yourself free.
    It will be hard but you need a strong plan of action to avoid falling in to difficult situation.
    I agree with Patrick about getting a support network even if its one or two people it will help you a lot to have people to talk to about things in real life.
     
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  7. A Hermit

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    Thanks for taking your time and giving advice!

    Thank you regardless, I mean the whole situation is kinda absurd so no need to apologize!




    Coming out to my family is not only about avoiding marriage, I need to be honest with them about my feelings, my desire to meet new people and tell them that I'm ready to start dating guys regardless of what they're thinking. So even if they disown me, they won't have any expectations for the rest of their lives.
    I know my mother's intentions are good and that she only wants the best for me, but she's so blinded by traditions that she don't realize how much she's hurting me by forcing a poorly aged lifestyle onto me.
     
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  8. A Hermit

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    Fck I accidentally posted it too early xD I'm not done answering btw^^
     
  9. A Hermit

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    I appreciate the link and will check it out later! I live in a rather small village and the next major city is a 1-2 hours drive away. I haven't looked for any local LGBT community, mostly bc a former classmate of mine is openly gay, though he isn't the most trustworthy person (talks behind his friends back, is gaslighting, etc). I'm afraid he might be part of it and would snitch on me if he finds out so yeah that's a thing.

    As I mentioned I came out to my cousin and he really helps me out. His parents live nearby but he goes to college in another part of the country, where he is openly gay. We're texting each other whenever one of us has a problem or just to talk about gay stuff. He also mentioned that his friend group (mostly LGBTQ) knows about the things I go through and they‘re all rooting for me, so I got that thankfully covered! :slight_smile:

    Once again, thanks for taking your time!