Hey everyone! I'm a young male who, months from now, had been questioning their orientation. A few months ago I wasn't sure what was my orientation, I thought I was gay but I came to realize that I like girls as well, therefore I can't be completely one thing. Eventually, after a lot of time of thinking I came to the conclusion that I am bisexual, inclining more to men in terms of physique and body, and women more in terms of romantic feelings as relationship; don't get me wrong, I like both, but obviously in a certain aspect I have a better preference for the other. I haven't come out, but a few close friends of mine know about this. Throughout my life, I've kissed/made out with various girls and every-time I did, I felt calm and normal. A few weeks ago, I got an opportunity to hook up with another guy whom I saw on a daily basis, and nobody would know, so it would be perfect. At first, I thought it was a good idea since I prefer men physically and everything and the guy isn't that bad looking. We planned to meet up one day and everything (you know what would happen), but eventually I couldn't handle the anxiety and stress. The night we scheduled to meet, I didn't sleep at all. I tried to, but I just kept getting anxiety, thinking about it and every-time I did I had a gross feeling, and I didn't want to do it. I remember that night I was about to puke because I just couldn't handle the anxiety; I was imagining the moment and I just ended up not wanting to - after days of thinking about it - . In the end, nothing happened, but recently I got another opportunity with another guy under the same criteria, no one would know and everything; but as of right now I feel like I don't want to do it because I'll feel really awkward, get grossed out and even start feeling ill mentally, which is what happened every-time I met with the first guy. My question is; why? I honestly feel much more attraction to guys that girls in appearance. Both guys aren't bad looking either, they were good, but then after getting and opportunity for something to happen I just felt so grossed up and everything. Why is it possible, that I've kissed girls in my life and felt calm, but when I have the opportunity to kiss men, which I prefer much more than girls, I can't do it? And it's not like everyone would now because I trust them and it was secret. So why do I get anxiety attacks everytime I have an opportunity to have something with the sex I like much more! I've been feeling really confused lately, and I fear this will affect me much more, since I just can't do anything with the real people I like. Any advice on why I am feeling this and how to make it go away would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.
Hi! First of all I just want to say how great it is that you have managed to find out more about your sexuality. And then I want to point out two things: You ask why you have these reactions to possible interactions with the same things. One reason might be because you are now somewhat going against societies norms and the idea you had of yourself. Dont get me wrong - I am not stating that any of this is "wrong" or "bad" - Im rather saying that perhaps you are now doing something that was against you initialt plan, your initial idea of yourself. Because, have you always thought of yourself as bisexual? Have you always thought that you would get intimate with a boy in real life? I would guess no, based on your description. And you now doing these things, can maybe lead to anxiety in my opinion. So maybe, you need to give yourself more time. You have your whole lifetime to figure yourself out and to explore yourself. You have very recently made a personal discovery about yourself (your bisexuality), so maybe you need to give yourself even more time to sort of get used to it? Maybe the anxiety is your body telling you that it is going to bit fast..? Just an idea!
I think you were just scared. Being with a guy is new for you so it's okay to be nervous. I have never been with another woman either and even though the idea is exciting I am also afraid. Anytime you do something new it is bound to be scary, it just takes time. Don't force yourself to do something you don't feel comfortable with. Take things slow, maybe don't immediately jump into having sex with a guy. Maybe just start out doing something else first, making out, touching, holding each other. And then stop if you feel like you have had enough. You don't have to go all the way in one night. Work into it slowly and then you will not be so afraid.
I agree with both of the above posters. As long as you're just thinking about being with guys, or masturbating thinking of guys, then it's theoretical. When you actually approach doing something, then it's not theory, and you have to confront your own internalized homophobia (which, btw, is something we all have to some degree, thanks to society's judgment.) Here's another piece to think about: In spite of the misinformation widely spread by a small-but-vocal group of people who operate in a fact-free environment, there's zero evidence of a separation between romantic and sexual orientation, nor does much of anyone credible who works in the field believe that to be the case. But what is very common is for people, as they are beginning to come to terms with not being straight, to make the identical argument you are making to justify bisexuality: "I like sex with guys, and I'm physically attracted to them, but I feel a closer romantic connection with girls." What's really going on there in nearly all of these cases is the so-called romantic attraction is part of the 'bargaining' phase of accepting oneself as 'not straight.' As we process any loss (in this case, loss of our perception that we're straight), there are 5 stages we go through: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. And the bargaining phase involves accepting the new reality, but still holding onto the old one: "OK, I know I like guys, but I can still end up with a girl in the long term." The separation between romantic and sexual orientations conveniently supports this 'bargaining' identity. Of course... gay guys have long felt what is now called 'romantic attraction' by the by the fact- and research-free contingent, and there's a term we've used for it for at least a hundred years: emotionally intimate friendship. And if you really think about it, I think you'll realize that what you feel for girls is probably simply a deep, emotional friendship. (Think Kurt from Glee and his connection with all of the girls he hung out with.) From what we've seen at EC, nearly everyone who uses the "romantic orientation" label eventually figures out it's BS, and comes to accept that it's basically a bridge to accepting attraction to guys. And once that happens, most people can let down their barrier and find that, in fact, they can and do have deep emotional feelings for guys... they've just never let themselves experience that. So bringing this back around, it's likely that in your case, some part of you knows that once you have an intimate sexual connection with a guy, these feelings may come charging forth... and you'll be forced to confront what that means. I know this may not be what you want to hear, but I think there's at least a reasonable possibility that this is what's going on for you.
Wouldn’t that then imply that all sex must include romantic feelings. I have had sex with women I had no romantic attraction to. I don’t know why it couldn’t be the same for sane sex. Unless it’s a justification for denying bisexuality. I don’t know how anyone can tell what is going on inside someone
Yes it would, which is why I don't agree with this idea at all. Romantic and sexual attraction are linked but NOT the same in my mind.
No, it does not imply that all sex must include romantic feelings. The whole thing is a big mess because of the BS propagated by the small, fact-free group of people promoting this nonsense. So certainly one can have sex with someone that doesn't include romantic feelings. At best, this can be a hookup where one is only going for physical gratification. At worst, rape is sex that doesn't include romantic feelings. But the flaw here is the whole idea of "romantic attraction" which is really just another name for "emotionally intimate friendship". It has nothing to do with sexual orientation, attraction, or arousal. One can disagree with the idea, but one can also argue that the sky is chartreuse. If there's no research or data or anything factual to support the idea of a separation of romantic and sexual orientations... well, one can hold onto that idea, but not if one cares about accuracy of beliefs.
Hey Thermostor You may be bisexual, you may be gay, you may be bicurious. It doesn't really matter right now. If something is not feeling right for you, don't push it. Certainly, you don't need to do EVERYTHING with a guy the first time you meet him. Give yourself some time and go at this slowly. Maybe try a date with no expectations of anything more. If a guy cannot respect that, do you really want to be WITH him anyway? There are a lot of posters here who have been through exactly what you are going through so keep posting.
Yes, I'm pushing an agenda for dissemination of accurate, evidence-based information, which is one of the values EC's board has set out as primary to our purpose.
