Anxiety, Suppression, Worried about Orientation

I'm anxiously overthinking my sexuality and would appreciate your advice.

I am in my mid-20s and have been taking Wellbutrin to combat muted emotions and low libido for a few months. A while ago my dosage was doubled, prompting obsessive worrying about my orientation and self-identity. Reading other advice here (thanks!) has made it obvious I ought to see a therapist specializing in OCD, anxiety, sexuality and identity. Note that I am also a virgin with almost zero experience in intimacy after closing myself off after non-intimate experiences in my teens, although I did break up with a girlfriend in college after realizing I was attracted to the idea of having a girlfriend, not to her in particular.

I've always asserted myself as straight-or-at-worst-bi because I've never been consciously romantically interested in men and think man-ness is aesthetically gross. This makes it hard to stomach how all my fantasies (I do not watch porn most of the time; once per month at worst) coming from the rampant libido increase (which has been very, very pronounced since the medication increase, it feels like puberty again) have become submissive homosexual ones that I don't find at all repulsive, instead they're very erotic. Although the situation is recent, it follows a couple years of a gradual reduction of "it's-a-boy-no-thanks"-ness. I don't mind thinking this kind of thing is hot, but I obsess over the reasons why and fear I could be suppressing being gay, which I'll admit I really do not want to be, because I'd have to miss out on girls, which seem so much better in every way, objectively.

Since I was younger I've always been anxious in general (though not diagnosed, so I'm not sure of the specifics) and easily ashamed of myself for no obvious reasons. And since beginning to worry over my sexuality I've remembered certain odd things about puberty; things like wishing to dream of being a girl having sex, or tucking my member away to look more like a girl. I never bothered to think that men were attractive, it's just that the things girls do with them are really hot. It wasn't until self-inserting more, as the girl, that my fantasies began to skip the girl part entirely. I never used to deeply self-insert into any fantasy or story until recently, but instead was suspended into the intrinsic feeling of whatever was going on. As a teen I was drawn to gender-bender and incest stories (I read a lot of manga) because of the strangeness and wrongness that made them perverted; I was never drawn to plain male homosexual stuff though because I find boy-ness gross and am not interested in boys falling in love with each other. More recently, attraction between (drawings of) effeminate boys has joined the hot-because-vaguely-wrong set. The recent "twink" trend among real people I don't have any interest in.

Generally if I fall for a story where my emotions really to get riled up, I do not do anything erotic for some weeks after because it would be crude to taint the sanctity of the pure-hearted story. When I was younger I favored erotic but not explicit pictures because they were beautiful but not perverted; that type of righteousness weakened during my 20s (although my personal view on many things seems puritanical or prudish), and my anxiety developed into a subconscious subroutine that hard-blocks everything if I ever approach dirty thoughts about someone I'm emotionally attached to, which includes many fictional characters, but hasn't really included real people for some time. The same thinking pattern goes into overdrive and brings up the most repulsive things I can think of fairly often, like "nice homoerotic fantasy, here's a picture of your ancient, ugly boss?". Blocking my emotions probably came from my parents' divorce and my needing to get older fast, and from how a girl I probably loved led me on for years. I grew into a high-achieving loner who doesn't know how to make sense of the few emotions I still have.

These are all the things I forget about for a while daydreaming about something I think is -- or what I thought was -- hot when girls do it, but never considered it myself. Maybe thinking a girl doing this stuff is just "meaningful?" I wouldn't know. I remember entertaining thoughts like "I wouldn't have any problems looking for men if I had been a girl in the first place" or "sometimes it seems like the soul assigned to this body would have done better in a girl's" -- does this mean anything, or am I just seeking self-affirmation in wishing to be like something I feel is better than me, now? It's hard for me to tell how much of the pangs I feel are the possibility of OCD talking.

I'd be lying if I said I wrote this for any reason other than "God, I hope someone tells me this is just my brain hopped up on so much anxiety and suppression that it's gotten everything backwards, and that I should go to a therapist and after a few years of hard work it'll be fine". I would have an awful time with the grief of loss on top of everything else, since I just don't like anything about mens' typical traits (now I'll be second-guessing that too, ha ha). I feel like I could end up in love with girls but lusting for men, which would just suck. But I'll have to do something about the situation anyways.

Between all these points (self-reflective anxiety, stifling of emotions, little experience with people, odd self image) the story could be "perhaps you are gay and trying not to admit it", "perhaps you are bi and either more towards men, snapping back now that you're thinking of something new, or have some mental thing affecting the girl side", "perhaps you are something like trans", "perhaps you have a fetish or a complicated sexuality", or "perhaps you should see a therapist, because this is obviously very personal and complicated."

Thanks for reading. Cheers.