Anxiety and self image

For the past two weeks, I have been having huge amounts of anxiety. I am trying to openly be myself at work and home and I think it is creating a self-image problem. I am a high self-monitor and that could be contributing to my feelings. I know we have several images of our self that we portray depending on where we are or who we are with. At work I am hard working, intense but quiet, go getter. I strive to be respected and taken seriously, which I think I pull off most of the time. My work dynamic has changed in the last year and a half, I was always a hard worker and respected but my boss, and now my friend, was in the high position as my mentor. After she left I have an office full of people that I have had to train on what goes on in our office. Even though I am maybe middle management in the office I have the high ground because I have the experience that they lack. At first it was so overwhelming to be consulted by my boss and peers for almost everything. I tried hard to teach them and be a team player, hoping to get on more even footing. I am kind of uncomfortable being in the high spot but also empowered by it as well. Sometimes I feel like I should know everything. I have also been experimenting with how I dress at work. I am going a bit more masculine but still you can tell I am a girl. I am having issues or insecurity with this because people are used to seeing me in black slacks and a blouse or shell. People have even jokingly referred to it as my uniform asking me why I was not wearing my uniform and such. I want to be me and still be viewed as professional. I am not dressing much different than my co-workers per say since they wear jeans sometimes too. I feel conflicted because it feels like my real self and it gives me a bit of a swag to how I walk. I think I am having anxiety as well finally starting to act like my real self and let people at work see me. For instance, yesterday my director and a couple co-workers, myself included, were just shooting the shit. They were casually cursing and I made a similar comment that made them all stop and look at me. They said omg I didn’t know that you cursed and oh such a sailor’s mouth. I told them yes, I do in fact curse but like to limit that sort of thing in the office because I usually view it as unprofessional and I would never do it around customers. I told them that just because I am a quiet person does not mean that I don’t think the same things as everyone else and that the more I felt comfortable the more the real me would come out. Their reactions to that were the kind of things I don’t like, so it makes me wonder if I want to be my true self around them. Everyone thinks I am a little uptight, serious, and maybe innocent. Everyone I work with will hold the door open for me to pass first even the girls and my boss, which is a girl. I find this strange.


Oh, I ran into the Cyber girl at my work (an out lesbian) and I was so damn awkward. I was in the break room getting coffee, my third of the day, and walked down the hallway in the opposite direction of my office just to see if my security guard was sitting at his desk. As I was kind of peaking around the corner she walked in my direction. I kind of gave a guilty start and then I did a low wave and gave a smile. She looked confused but then smiled back at me. I then abruptly did an about face and walked to my office. I am sure my face was red and I was silently berating myself for being such and awkward idiot. I want to talk to her in person, but I can’t seem to do it. I think I am afraid of revealing myself or the fact that I have a slight attraction to her. She makes me nervous and I feel intimidated, not something I usually am accustomed to feeling at work.


I went to the gym today and I was also racked with anxiety and could not seem to look at anyone, but thankfully was still able to work out in the free weight room. The exercise did nothing to help me. I have a proctored test to do today and I am a little freaking out because I tried to take the test last Saturday and had technical difficulties lol. So, I am a complete mess and I am not sure why maybe self-shame or guilt. It seems like everyone coming out goes through this at some point. I also feel how unsure I am about letting the people at work know about me being bi. I feel most would be okay except my co-worker J, who is the one doing weird things around me. She has given some vibes of not being very much lgbt tolerant by some of her comments or lack of.


Also, I am being overwhelmed by same sex attractions that I cannot seem to stifle back down lol. I woke up this morning from a very intense dream about an abstract encounter with a woman. I allowed myself to think about the dream after waking up for a while and I found out I was very turned on. Sorry to much TMI but even after taking care of myself I still felt the anxiety and desire. It hadn’t even remotely gone away. I am planning on going to an lgbt event tomorrow called City Fest and I don’t know if that has anything to do with it or if it will help. I guess I just cannot seem to process my feelings and it is scaring the hell out of me. I cannot change my situation I’m not a single person and I do not want to become a cheater. So, I guess I am just stuck. This is all very distracting to my life lol.

 

I feel less panicked today. I guess everything just builds up sometimes. My daughter and

 

Dang tried to edit and typed up a ton of stuff but went past the time limit.

 

We had fun at City fest looking at all the merchandise. My daughter bought a Queen band shirt. We listened to the bands play but then got tired, it was hot. I took her to a taco place on the street of the festival and watched people from the patio. I had a beer and admired my waitress. She was a petite young Hispanic woman who was not afraid to make eye contact. She was wearing Dicky tan shorts and a white wife beater tank top. She was totally cute and soo gay but looked different than the gay women I have seen before. I know I couldn't pull the look off. I spent a lot of time people watching and looking at how people were dressed. I was in jeans and a nice short sleeve blouse but it was way too much. Most people were in shorts and tshirts. My daughter was looking super cute with a new very short haircut. She gave a picture of Kristen Stewart for the example lol. I posted pictures of us at the event and friends and family were very accepting. I posted that I was going to it before hand. I am feeling very honest about letting people know what I am doing. I think that is helpful. We stayed about 2 hours only because my daughterwas readyto go. I was kinda hoping I would see someone that I know to push that boundary. I plan to talk about aboutmy weekend at work. I have told several coworkers about my daughter being gay but that almost feels like an excuse. I don't know why this is so damn hard. I kinda hope the cyber girl asks me about it because I am thinking of just coming out and saying that I am bi but it seems pretty pathetic to me.

 

Found out today that a guy I know in accounting died yesterday. First I heard that it was a heart attack but he was only 52. Now I am hearing that he got too drunk and choked on his vomit. He lived in Hillcrest so I wonder if he went to City Fest and drank too much. He was a nice guy and openly gay. I don't know his partner but one of my friends does and he is crushed. My husband told me that he was having chest pain so I am now sitting in the ER waiting room and it looks like they are going to keep him overnight.

 

My husband started having chest pain at 1 pm but didn't say anything until I got home at 5pm. Thankfully they said that he didn't have a heart attack but they are keeping him overnight. He has had congestive heart failure for a couple years now. He has a hospital stay at least once or twice a year

 

Thanks Really and Silverhalo I really appreciate the support. I got sent home from work today when my director found out that my husband is in the hospital. I had a really big meeting to organize with important external customers and wanted to at least go in for a couple hours to make sure everything went okay. It was nice he said that the rest of the office was there to support me and that I should go to the hospital. I wasn't very focused on work anyway. I kind of threw on a pair of black jeans and a blue v-neck shirt. I was worried that I was to under dressed but when I met the customer he was wearing faded jeans and a very old Polo shirt lol, but the rest of my company interacting with him were in full suit and tie. I was only at work for two hours. Before being told to go home I went to the break room to call the hospital and ran into these two nice HR ladies. I was feeling down but still said hello to them and as I was walking to the bathroom one of them stopped me. She said "I am not supposed to say this but I have been really wanting to tell you that you look sooooo great " I laughed and said thank you than touched her arm and told her she could tell me that anytime, with a big smile on my face. Her coworker, my gym mate and also HR person, than play mocked her by saying "I'm not supposed to say this but " and laughing. I laughed and on way to the restroom joined in the teasing by saying yeah it's not creepy or anything. I thought it was nice that she thought enough to comment on my health. It made me feel good and cheered me up and here I thought I had just thrown some clothes on. Oh they were the more masculine style that I found I prefer. I am just waiting now for the doctor to see my husband today say what is going on. My husband told me not to come to the hospital yet because he doesn't want us just waiting around and there is no where to sit.

 

June bug 99 congratulations on getting your black belt that is a big accomplishment. It can be hard to face our fears and sometimes things feel overwhelming for sure. I think for myself it was the possibility that I might tell someone at work about being bi and it freaked me out. The things I thought would happen didn't. I decided that I won't force the subject but if a conversation naturally happens I plan to be honest or at least I hope I will be. I am usually okay with one thing not going the way that I want it but struggle when hit with multiple things. The funny thing is that I am the hardest on my self and usually stress for no reason. I guess everything works out in the end and these are not life or death issues even if anxiety makes it feel that way.

 

I studied taekando and kung-fu as a kid, it was fun. I wish I had kept with it. My coworker keeps trying to get me to Krav Maga with her but it sounds very intense also not sure I am in good enough shape yet. She also wanted me to get a bike and ride with her, she is a bit impulsive. I am not exactly sure where the anxiety is coming from but I never used to have it. I got up to speak to new hires one morning and could barely speak I was so nervous and I had been doing orientation for years. This was maybe a year ago and other things started giving me anxiety off and on since.