EDIT: omg this is way longer than I expected - I'm really sorry for the long post. Feel free to read it at your leisure or just skip over it hahaha. Making the last post (I'm gaining confidence) seemed to help me and some other people so I thought I'd do the same thing again and see how it goes. Following on from my other thread, I managed to get over that guy relatively quickly - perhaps only a couple of days, given there was nothing really there. Thankfully, I don't really get hurt by crushes on straight guys because the way that I see it, nothing was ever going to eventuate anyway. I was rather happy with my progress - and, to be honest, motivated to have another go again. There was one more guy in my course that had caught my eye, although not to the extent of my first crush (if we're being crude in terms of rating appearances, he was a 7/10, compared to a 9/10). For the sake of this thread, let's call the new guy James. Unlike the first guy that I knew absolutely nothing about, I knew a little bit about James already, although at that point we hadn't yet met. I think what I liked about him initially was the friends that he kept - I knew most of the people in his friendship circle as acquaintances, and they were all really nice people. I feel it had merely been circumstantial that his friends were not my friends. I think the friends that one keeps is often a good reflection of what someone is like, so I thought I'd pursue further. It took about a week before I got myself into a position where I finally got to introduce myself to James, and it was indeed a bit of an awkward process. Towards the start of the week a lot of my friends happened to skip a lecture for some reason, so I saw it as a great opportunity to see if I could sit next to one of the acquaintances I happened to know a little better. It was all well and good but James hadn't arrived for the lecture yet and when he did he must have been put off by seeing an unfamiliar face sitting at the end of his friendship group and he chose to sit somewhere else (damn! XD). Similar sorts of occurrences happened throughout the next couple of weeks until finally one day he sat in a spot two seats away from me. It wasn't ideal but by this point I was a bit frustrated by my bad luck so I took that chance to introduce myself and we had the briefest of conversations. Now as I usually do when I meet someone in our cohort, I send a friend request on Facebook afterwards. I did the same for him, but to my dismay he didn't accept right away (he left the request unresponded). I thought that maybe I had made a bad impression, or that he thought it was weird for someone to introduce themselves the way that I did and want a Facebook add after a two minute conversation. This was compounded by the fact that I could see he was using Facebook, liking and commenting with mutual friends. In the end he was just slow to get around to it, and 4 days later the request was accepted. By this time his friendship circle started actively including me and I got to know a whole lot of really nice people. In this time I learnt that James (along with several of the others) was also gay (yay!) and I hadn't heard any mention of a boyfriend. I also had a good look through his Facebook profile and similarly saw no trace of any relationship, past or present. I saw that he valued family very much and had an amazing group of close friends, and quite quickly I found myself falling for him. By this point I felt I needed to interact more 1-1 with James because the situation hadn't arisen with him (while it had with me for many of his friends). Then, in the next couple of days, he seemed to show a lot of interest in me. He sat next to me in lectures several times, and on one particular day we spent time studying together. On that day we were together for three hours, and we spent a lot of it talking about ourselves. He seemed to deliberately raise a lot of LGBT+ topics with me. As we were talking I found out that we had a lot in common, and I got that feeling in my gut that I just had to ask him out. It was a bit of an awkward start, but from that point onwards it was as if I had all the luck in the world, and all the signs were pointing to the beginning of something beautiful. In my head I had actually had a timeline of about 6 weeks, asking him out around the time of our university ball - my rationale was that if I took too long he would see me as only a friend, but I didn't want to potentially scare him away immediately either (I felt that if I couldn't have him romantically I'd still like to be friends with him). However, I felt that the moment was there and I just had to take it. Just about we were about to go our separate ways and head home for the day, I asked him if he wanted to grab a coffee sometime (and I made a quip that I can't actually drink coffee but would have another beverage of choice), and he laughed and said yes. I was over the moon, and immediately told two of my best friends the good news (one of these was my male friend who had come out to me as bisexual in my previous post). I mainly told these two because they were the only ones who knew what I was doing, and I also valued their advice given our similarity, as well as the fact they had both sustained long term relationships. They were both really happy for me, although one picked up that I hadn't mentioned a specific time (d'oh!). When I got home that night I also told my family - I didn't see why I shouldn't given that the circumstances were apparently fairly concrete. They were also happy for me, although they were a bit concerned because James was from a different city. However, they concluded that there was no harm in a coffee date and getting to know him at least a little bit more. We also had a number of fairly important conversations - as the first child in the family, and the first time I had ever met someone, this was completely new territory for them too, so it was necessary to talk about their expectations as well as how our relationship could play out (my [homophobic] extended family still don't know I'm gay, but since I'm not prepared to hide a boyfriend, a relationship would mean having to work out a way of coming out to them). Given I hadn't organised anything specific, I sent him a message that night asking if a given date would be okay with him. However, for some reason, he wasn't responding again. I could see he was using Facebook, and since we were Facebook friends at this point I could even see when he was online, but for some reason he wasn't reading my message. Even worse, I wasn't seeing him in person at university. Very quickly my elation turned into concern - maybe he said yes because he didn't know how to say no; maybe he isn't interested in going out for a coffee with me after all. My two friends encouraged me to stay patient - one suggested that he could have been very busy, but that didn't seem right - in my experience people who were busy and couldn't respond to a message wouldn't be liking and commenting all over Facebook in that time. The response eventually came two days later. He responded that he was free that day, but also that he would see who else was free to join us. Instantly, my heart sank, my stomach twisted itself in a knot and I felt as if I was going to be sick or pass out. My gut reaction was that he had completely misunderstood where I was coming from when I asked him out for a coffee. I consulted my friends and they reassured me that given the context, and the given meaning of asking someone out for a coffee, that I was not unambiguous in my approach. This lead me to my second thought: that maybe converting the date into a friendly catch-up was his way of politely turning me down. I don't like to assume things though, and I went to bed that night thinking about what I should do next. Should I clarify myself? Should I just let it be? Should I go on the friendly catch-up, even though it was not what I wanted? My two friends were uncertain of the answers, but warned me that any further action on my part had the potential to make things very awkward. By morning I had resolved myself to the solution that I needed to clarify the situation: yes, it had the potential to be extremely awkward, and I wasn't sure I could even bring myself to have the conversation, but at the end of the day I needed to communicate what was going on to him and I needed some closure, no matter what the outcome would be. Unfortunately, when I got to university he wasn't there again, and it was a Friday. I couldn't let this drama drag out over the weekend, and despite believing that certain conversations are inappropriate over social media, and the fact that he seemed to take ages to respond to anything I sent him, I sent another message clarifying what I meant and asking what he meant in his reply. I anticipated having to wait 36 hours or some other ridiculously long amount of time before I got a reply. He sent me a message yesterday with an apology - he had completely misinterpreted what I had meant in asking him out. However, he also said that he already had a boyfriend and couldn't go on a coffee date with me. Trying to diffuse the uncomfortable nature of our predicament I laughed off how I managed to bark up the wrong tree, and told him to take all of this in his stride as a huge compliment of his character. He responded (immediately!) that he was actually really impressed I had the balls to ask him out in person, because that was not something he felt he could do, and that things would not be awkward between us at all. I filled everyone in on the news and while it wasn't the outcome I wanted, my initial response was one of relief because the matter had finally been resolved. I think my parents were a bit relieved it didn't work out, but everyone agreed that for a rejection, it basically couldn't have been better - for the most part, I had a great couple of weeks getting to know James and his friends, I got to make a bunch of new friends, and I found out that I am very much capable of asking someone out if the situation arises. It was also a situation where I wasn't made to feel upset about myself - rather, even I was happy and amazed at how far I had come. Admittedly, lot of that had to do with the way that James chose to handle the situation. I also saved myself from 6 weeks of courting only to find out I would be ineligible. The conversations I had with my parents were also important ones that needed to be had, hopefully making the next time that little bit easier. And that brings us to today. With the matter all done and dusted, I now find myself feeling a bit sad about the way that it's all turned out. I'm not upset with myself, or even over the false hope, but rather about the prospect that I can't have this awesome person in that way. I always thought I'd handle someone who was gay but taken a lot like someone who was straight, because at the end of the day nothing could ever possibly happen between us. However, even though all of this happened over the span of just a few weeks, I find myself mourning the relationship that never happened - given this was the first time I actually got to know a (gay) crush, I find myself thinking about him, or what he's doing, and various things seem to remind me of him. I keep wanting to check what he's doing on social media, even though this is hurtful and futile. I contemplated deleting him but deep down it doesn't sit right because we're together for heaps of classes and given how he chose to deflate the situation I feel like taking that sort of action will only make things unnecessarily awkward. I said that if I couldn't have him in that way that I'd at least like to be friends, and I still want that, and think it's possible, but I'm worried that it's going to complicate me getting over him, or worse, hold me back from actually moving on. I'm confident seeing him again on Monday won't be awkward, but I don't know how I'll be feeling personally. Truth be told, the situation wasn't perfect, and I'm doing my best to focus on those because they could very well have been aspects that could have led to a relationship breakdown. The fact that he seemed to ignore me for others on social media is a slight concern, and while I completely dismissed the fact that he was from a different city, my parents' concerns regarding the logistics of such a relationship were probably very valid. I'm not completely broken but definitely more upset than usual, and I do believe that I can get over him, but it may take a few weeks rather than a few days. I guess this is just a taste of what it feels like to actually break up with someone lol. All in all, there has been much to take from this whole experience - a lot of it very positive, although I can't help but still feel some pangs of grief too. Ideally, I hope James and I work out as friends - I could really use the support from more LGBT+ friends - but it's possible I might need a brief period of distance before I am able to do that. If there's any key concern to work on from all of this, it's that I'm probably now on the verge of trying a little too hard to try and find a boyfriend. It's one thing to be open to love and seek opportunities to discover it (which is what my aim has been after many years of melancholily waiting for it to just come to me), but it's probably another to start scouting after anyone who seems to fit the bill at first. My parents said that when two people meet each other in that way there is usually some spark that becomes evident to both people quite quickly, and in my story I'm not sure if that really happened - it certainly wasn't a mutual aspect of the experience, anyway. I'm thinking that maybe it's best I take a break from this whole boyfriend thing for a while (something I never thought I'd say lmao) - at the very least, there's no one else in the cohort who's taken my fancy anyway. It sure has been one hell of a rollercoaster ride! I have to say that writing all of this out has made me feel a lot better - writing is something that definitely helps me through the grieving process. Maybe I will be able to get over this. And maybe three times will be the charm. I always had it in my head that I'd screw up my first two relationships for some reason - while I haven't actually got to a relationship yet, I have screwed up my first two encounters, so it could very well be that the next one may lead to something special.
I thought by the end of yesterday I was feeling a bit better, but today I feel even worse. I've tried allowing myself to cry, concentrating on feeling my emotions, distracting myself with other things, talking with other people and even some high intensity exercise but to no avail. I didn't think I'd be as invested as I am. It sucks and all I want to be able to do is move on.
You've done really well Astrocyte, I think you acquitted yourself in a very friendly and reasonable manner , despite your disappointment. Who wouldn't be disappointed? But it's a learning curve , and as James said, you had the guts to ask him out in person . It will stand you in good stead , as an experience, and I'll bet those around you will respect you fir the way you handled the whole thing. I couldn't do that even at my age! So chin up , and carry on , someone is going to be very lucky having you as a partner .
Hi Astrocyte, From reading your story, I think you're already doing really well in getting over him. You're looking at this situation from a very calm and logical perspective and you've had a good idea in maybe not seeing him for some time until your feelings die down a bit. I wouldn't go straight to deleting him as a friend on Facebook as you've said that you'd still like to be friends with him even if the relationship doesn't work out. Deleting him would show to him that you just don't even see him as a friend any more. As Northern guy said, treat this as a learning curve. Respect to you for gathering the courage to ask James out. He wasn't uncomfortable with you telling him, and I think he'll make a great friend for you. Also, from reading parts of your post, you seem to be over-analysing the situation and also assuming too many things about James. I have the same problem as you, I get myself worked up and fixated on someone, and then I find it difficult to differentiate my perceptions of him from reality. You did the right thing to clarify the situation with James, as you've spared yourself the heartbreak you would have if this went on for longer. From your second post, it's okay to cry, it will help you get through the grieving. You can't turn off your emotions towards someone like a tap, especially since this was your first gay romance. Fingers crossed, three times'll be the charm. Whoever you'll find will be very lucky to have you. That's my two pence, hope this helps. Take care!
Thanks for the support, mate. Thanks so much for the reply. You're absolutely right - I did over-analyse and assume too much of James. I thought I was generally guarded with my feelings (perhaps a protective mechanism I've developed to make sure I'm not wounded by crushes on straight people) but evidently what happened here was that I let my feelings for James run wild immediately once I found out he was also gay. This is the first time I've had a crush on a fellow gay person, so I guess I haven't developed the mechanisms to keep my cool just yet. I know now that in the future I need to keep my feelings under control until after the "asking someone out" stage of the relationship. In updating my progress, I feel like my emotions are actually getting worse over time rather than better, but it's also a bit cyclical in that I have some moments that are better and some that are worse. I've seen him around in class but so far I've resisted this unexplainable urge to go up to him. While things won't be awkward between us, it hurt just seeing him from a distance, so I'm not sure why I simultaneously want to be around him. It's probably best to keep the distance on for the next little while.
In updating my progress, I feel like my emotions are actually getting worse over time rather than better, but it's also a bit cyclical in that I have some moments that are better and some that are worse. I've seen him around in class but so far I've resisted this unexplainable urge to go up to him. While things won't be awkward between us, it hurt just seeing him from a distance, so I'm not sure why I simultaneously want to be around him. It's probably best to keep the distance on for the next little while.[/QUOTE] I think the best approach to getting over him would be to treat him like a straight crush. Know that nothing would ever happen between you and that he would never have the same feelings for you. If he has any bad traits, focus more on those rather than his virtues. (Just out of the blue, try learning a new language for a bit. It helped me a lot as you focus more on making new sentences with what you know rather than focusing on your crush. And you also learn a life skill. Just an idea.)
This is very timely advice. In the past couple of days, I've still been sad but slightly less so, and I think it's due to the fact that I've had a couple of useful revelations. Ultimately, I'm starting to question what my feelings for James actually were. When I actually think about it, he is a bit cute, but I think I just found myself admiring his personality, and while those feelings may be indicative of interest they're not necessarily indicative of love. At the time I thought it was a love-based interest, but in all honesty it all happened so quickly (literally over the span of 2-3 weeks) that those feelings were probably just generic feelings of interest. I guess what I'm trying to say is that while I tried to take things down a 'love path', I could have also taken these feelings to try and forge a friendship with James, but because this all happened so quickly I feel like I can quickly change course and go down that 'friendship path'. Ultimately, whenever I've been seeing James around, or see his activity on social media, I feel some sort of visceral response that I just want to be around him and get to know him, because he's such an awesome guy and I love seeing how happy he is with himself. In a way, he inspires me to be more genuine myself. I'm not sure I'm 100% right here or even 100% over him but I feel like this is a promising advancement. Thoughts? Also, it just so happens to be that in the past few days he's been more public about his relationship with his boyfriend. It wasn't at all obvious before, and I'm not sure if my request for a date was a stimulus for this change or whether it's a co-incidence. It's actually been super helpful - seeing how deeply in love he must be with his boyfriend has done a lot in showing me that he could never reciprocate any feelings of love for me - much like a straight guy - so bashing myself up about it all is futile. I feel like I'm approaching the point where maybe I feel like I could be around him again without it being painful. However, I'm not sure if my "visceral response" indicates that my feelings are still a little bit too strong - I have had "friend crushes" before where I've really wanted to be someone else's friend, but it hasn't happened often and I'm not sure. The last thing I want to do is misinterpret everything and hurt myself again. Perhaps a bit more time is necessary?
