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Another question about anal sex

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by Kevin k, Aug 20, 2019.

  1. Kevin k

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    So, in all the stuff out there about anal, the top always finishes inside the bottom. But, my bf always pulls out. I never asked why, nor did I mind, until I wondered what it would feel like for him to come inside me. I asked him to, and he said he'll do It of that's what I want, but now im nervous of the details. Is it hard to clean up? Is it uncomfortable? Will it be any better than just penetration? I see him again on friday, so any answers before then are good.
    P.S. - same applies for oral, he always pulls out before coming in my mouth. How can I assure I don't embarrass myself when sucking him off fully fir the first time? What if it's more than I expect? I don't want to mess up. I know it's tmi, sorry. But thanks for the responses in advance.
     
  2. Chiroptera

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    First of all, it's important to remember that barebacking is never recommended. It doesn't matter if the top is ejaculating inside or if he is pulling out. Barebacking is an activity of really high risk and, as you can't control what the other person is doing every hour of every day, you can never be 100% sure about your safety.

    I don't say this to create fear in you. However, and unfortunately, cheating isn't uncommon in our society, and the best way to protect yourself is to use condoms everytime. If condoms bother him, then try different positions or brands, jerk off with them and try to slowly assist him to get used to the sensation. It's important to protect both you and him, and condoms are the best option for that.

    And, to be honest, as a bottom you can't really feel the sperm inside, so if you are wondering if the risk is worth the sensation, no, it isn't.

    Be open and communicate about your desires with your partner, but don't forget to have an open talk about safety, for both of you. You are still young, and it isn't worth to risk living the rest of your life with a disease because of a small thing like the lack of a condom.
     
  3. Kevin k

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    Condoms don't bother him, they bother me. I've always felt wierd about it, like if it slips off while he is inside me. Not a happy thought. The question isn't about condoms. We've both been tested and vaccinated, as for cheating, I know I can't be 100%, but I'm living with his parents, and he can't drive, so the times he's not at the house are very limited, and I'd be so surprised if he was cheating. So that's out of the question. You don't know him like I do. The question was more about the cleanup process, and the sensation. Thanks for your input, but Im very stubborn about my preferences. Condoms ruin it for me
     
  4. Chiroptera

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    Unless you are doing something very wrong while using them, that shouldn't happen. Remember they are designed to be used for penetration and, thus, as long as you use them correctly, everything should be ok.
    Like I said, the difference in sensation is imperceptible, and there's also not much to say about cleaning up (after all, you would need to clean up anyway because of the lube inside). In other words, there's no reason to go through this risk.

    I'm not saying your partner will cheat on you. After all, you are right, I don't know him, and I can't judge him. However, this isn't the point. There are many cases (unfortunately) of couples who have been together for years (even decades) and, suddenly, HIV appears in the relationship.

    The ugly truth is that cheating isn't uncommon in our society. It is definitely not ok, but it happens. And there's absolutely no reason not to use a tiny, cheap latex barrier, which can save you from a very serious disease. He may indeed be extremely faithful and never cheat (and I hope that's the case and everything works for both of you!). However, there are no absolute guarantee. Using a condom isn't about being paranoid: It's a little and simple habit you can acquire that may save you from a disease from which there's no cure.

    Again, if condoms are ruining it for you, then I recommend you try different brands or positions (there are thinner ones) until you find one that works for you. That's the best possible option for you.

    Also, remember that porn is largely responsible for glamourizing bareback sex, like it was "hotter" or "more authentic" (re-read the opening phrase of your first post in this topic, for example). It isn't uncommon to find content with bottoms talking about "how hot it is inside" or "how great the sperm feels". That's far from the truth, and you can't really feel the sperm inside.

    Please note that I understand that the final decision is between you and him. However, you also need to understand that health is a serious topic, and it would be really irresponsible if I didn't reinforce how condoms are important, even though I know it's not what you want to hear.
     
  5. Lalayajen

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    Bareback and coming inside is something that Pornography usually advertise and glamourised. Pornography is a fantasy and not reality.
    Just remember it is always best to use condoms. They make it much easier to clean and really no difference in how it feels.
     
  6. Chip

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    Here's the thing on the condom issue: It's really easy to say "Oh, they're inconvenient, and I'm confident my boyfriend won't cheat". If everyone who was confident their boyfriend wouldn't cheat were correct with their confidence, no one would have HIV.

    Using condoms is a way of giving *both* of you a means of never having to worry if someone made, say, a momentary mistake while drunk, that they were afraid to admit. It says "I love you enough to care about keeping you safe, and I love myself enough to want to ensure I stay safe."

    It might be a little inconvenient to use a condom. I can absolutely assure you, I've met dozens, maybe hundreds, of HIV+ men,and have never met an HIV+ person who does not desperately wish that they had the option to go back and use condoms when they foolishly decided "it would never happen to them". It's a hell of a lot less convenient to have HIV. I personally know several people who were absolutely convinced their boyfriend would never cheat on them. One, aged 18, had never had sex with anyone but his boyfriend. Both got tested before they started having sex, both were HIV-. Six or so months later, my friend got routinely tested again... and was shocked to find out he was HIV+. He confronted his boyfriend, who absolutely denied everything... and did not even know he was HIV+... until he got tested and came back positive. Both of their lives were fucked because of two foolish decisions... one to cheat, the other to not use condoms.

    The rest of the question has already been addressed: No, there's no way you can feel the guy ejaculating inside you. That's just stupid, romanticized bullshit fed to you by the porn companies.

    As far as oral, from a safety perspective, always better to not ejaculate in someone's mouth. Oral transmission is rare, but we cannot be certain it does not happen. If you insist, then don't brush or floss your teeth for at least 2 hours prior to sex, as that can disturb the mucosa of the mouth around the teeth and increase risk of transmission. (If it is transmitted at all, it will be in the mouth, or mucosa of the throat, as stomach acid destroys the virus.)
     
  7. Kevin k

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    Just FYI to everyone, we tried it tonight, and the feeling of him coming inside didn't really feel like much. It was an overall more intense expirience though, probably will do it again sometime. I also blew him and didn't let him pull out. I spit it though bc honestly it was alot and it didn't taste great. It was quite bitter and a little... sour? Idk about that last part, but at least now we've done it, and now I just want to cuddle for the rest of the night.
     
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  8. PatrickUK

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    Well, you've received good advice about using condoms and decided against it. Ultimately, it's your choice to dismiss that advice and take the risk, but I would still suggest you look into taking PrEP if you are determined to bareback, to at least minimise your exposure to HIV.
     
  9. Kevin k

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    I decided against it bc we've been barebacking since 2017. That wasn't the question. I just wanted to know about coming inside. Sorry to disappoint you or whatever. I love and trust my bf, I wouldn't be with him if I had any reason to think he's been unfaithful. Thanks for your guy's input but really we're good.
     
  10. I'mStillStanding

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    No experience on the first question. I just, for personal knowledge, wanted to say I appreciate the question. I hadn’t considered it being just like cleaning from lube. But I’ve been too embarrassed myself to discuss this and this thread actually gave me the push. Thanks for that.

    As for the taste some guys hate it, some learn to like it, and some like it a lot. Don’t feel embarrassed about the spitting because it wasn’t like it was something he was was asking, and even if it was who cares, it was something you wanted yo try.
     
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  11. Chip

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    Just for the record, for others reading this... the "I love and trust my BF and wouldn't be with him if I had reason to think he'd been unfaithful" is exactly how many people become HIV+. It's one of the more common infection sources.

    The problem is, by the very nature of that trust, if one's partner has a momentary lapse of judgment (which can happen pretty easily if people drink or use drugs), he's not going to tell his boyfriend, because he knows it will end the relationship.

    Here's the piece a lot of people don't get: When someone first gets infected, their body has no antibodies to the virus. So for a period of time (typically a month or so), the virus runs wild, replicates like crazy, and their body has an enormously high viral load. But... and here's the important part... because they have no antibodies to the virus the person will test negative, even while they have the highest viral load they will have because the test is looking for antibodies, not the virus itself. So the newly infected person, with a negative test result, is more likely to infect you than the person that's been positive for months or years, and has taken care of him or herself, because that person will have a lower viral load.

    So the boyfriend that has one momentary slip can very easily infect the "trusting" partner. And that's why, if both partners agree to always use condoms, it isn't about "I don't trust you"; it's really about "I love you and myself enough to ensure that we always stay safe and don't take any chance of putting each other at risk."

    If people could get over this ridiculous idea that somehow it's "more intimate" to not use condoms (it isn't), and get past the equally ridiculous "Oh, it will never happen to me" idea... we'd save an awful lot of heartache, unnecessary pain, and having to take powerful medication with toxic side effects for the rest of one's life.
     
  12. I'mStillStanding

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    This is very true. When I first came out I was going to the same doctor my ex wife and I shared. I was talking with her about being gay. She was pissed. I was 27 and missed the hpv vaccine that she had tried to force me to get cause she knew I was gay and would come around at some point.

    Well she gave me a seminar on condoms. I mean she spent at least an hour with me talking about sex. And I said I was gonna always use them till I was in a committed relationship. She said no always use them. We went back and forth. She told me to hold on and stepped out for a few minutes. When she came back she told me to come back in a few days.

    When I came back I meet a guy who like me came out late. He fell in love with the first guy he went out with and they had been together almost two years. They were both negative their first two tests so they stopped using condoms. At some point his partner cheated, got hiv and passed it to him. He had only found out a couple months before this and he was devastated. So it happens for sure.

    That’s why I wanna go on prep as a back up safety net... not to stop using condoms per se but just to have.
     
  13. johndeere3020

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    So, in all the stuff out there about anal, the top always finishes inside the bottom.

    Not True
     
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  14. Chip

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    If the concern is about safety and HIV transmission, the issue isn't whether the top ejaculates inside the bottom. Anal sex can (and often does) create micro tears in the skin of the penis as well as small tearing of anal capillaries. This allows blood-to-blood contact, which is also an extremely high risk for HIV transmission. Additionally, the release of pre-ejaculate, which happens in pretty much any male who is aroused, also creates a risk of transmission, because virus is measurable in pre-ejaculate.

    So people try and come up with justifications for barebacking, such as "Oh, if I don't ejaculate in him, it's OK", but those things are simply rationalizations that don't stand up to scrutiny if one is concerned about one's health and well being.
     
  15. Kevin k

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    Wow. This got out of hand really fast. Bottom line (for me) my bf isn't stupid, niether am I, back when we were discussing open relationships, we agreed it was fine as long as one another was honest and used protection with others. He never did anything with anyone that I know of, and he doesn't have a reason to hide it. I've never done anything either. The only time we've ever had other contact was with a family friend of his during a threesome, where we all used protection. The first time me and my bf had sex, (I was on top) and I used a condom. The 2nd time, he'd bought condoms, but I decided against it bc it killed the mood (and my arousal) to put the condom on before we got down. Say all you want about "momentary lapses" or whatever, but all in all, the decision is mine. I wasn't asking about barebacking, nor was I looking for advice or permission. My question was answered (no thanks to EC) now I'm done with this thread, and will no longer take any responses.
     
  16. Chiroptera

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    Kevin, you have been warned extensively about the high risks of barebacking. If you still want to ignore the fact that it is a high risk activity, even in a monogamous relationship (see what Chip said above), then that's a choice that's a decision for you and your boyfriend, and, indeed, no one here can stop you. For what it's worth, I recommend that you, at the very least, test yourself regularly.

    However, you need to understand that, as a support forum that aims to be not only a safe place, but also a site where people can find reliable and accurate information, it's our responsibility to reinforce the fact that barebacking isn't recommended in any circumstance. Furthermore, we did answer your initial questions, but that doesn't mean we should ignore the fact that we are discussing what is possibly one of the most important themes about sexual health.

    Even if you don't like what we are saying, this information may be valuable to other members, who are concerned about their health. It's understandable that talking about this may be uncomfortable, especially when we face the fact that we can't control other people, and thus, there is no absolute guarantee that cheating won't happen in a relationship. And, even considering the fact that this may not be a fun theme to talk about, it would be extremely irresponsible from our part to say just what people want to hear, ignoring the sexual health is a theme of utmost importance.

    It's not about judging you or your boyfriend. It's about being serious about everyone's health and safety.
     
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  17. IronGospel

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    It reminds me of a similar thing that my sister said about women claiming they are on the pill before you engage in sex with them, you still use protection. It's not that they are lying, more like you can't be certain and trust me when I say you don't want to roll those dice.