Another day, another therapist

I can relate to the therapist situation. I have been grappling over my sexuality for quite awhile but was afraid of what might come to surface. I was seeing only female therapist because I was afraid to have a male counselor because of either trust issues on my part due to a bad experience I had with a male physician when I was 21 or the feeling of being judged.
Truth of the matter is I really don’t know what I am. I am a male by birth but if I am going to be honest with myself I have always had strong femme undercurrents yet I am attracted to females. I have only had intercourse with females but my first actual experience was with my best friend when we were kids and I was what I believe was molested by a male physician at 21.
However after I got divorced I started having questionable feelings and sought counseling. My therapist at that time thought I was feeling the need to be validated and if such attention was being given to me by men then it spiked such feelings.
The male counselor said the same thing essentially but that hasn’t curbed the intrusive thoughts feelings or fantasies...so you’re not alone; hope this was some help

 

I have seen many therapists in my life (most of whom I have fired ... lol) and I remember the first time I came out to a therapist I really liked and who had seen my ex-wife and me briefly while we were going through our divorce. I was really nervous telling her, especially since she knew my wife (although not really well) and just assumed I was a straight guy. Since then I've burned through several more therapists and have come out to each of them, so to speak, but it's not something that is a big topic of conversation since I know the lay of the land in Gay World and I'm not sure what new insights there are to be gained ... and I have other more pressing issues that I think are a better focus of our time. I recently started seeing a new psychologist whom I like and don't want to fire ... I've decided to try to accept the limitations of psychotherapy and not get my expectations up very much, which seems to be working for the moment. If have referenced being gay and "confused" about my sexuality and whether I really fit in with gay men a few times, and each time it's not a big deal ... kind of a small bump in the road. So I think it gets easier each time you tell a new therapist ... also you might want to consider not thinking of it as the key, defining fact about yourself, but rather as one of many things about you that you want to talk about. Hope that helps!

 

Thanks I appreciate

thanks I appreciate the support and in the grand scheme of this whatever may be my situation is a small microcosm. It’s who were are as people that defines us more then who were are or are not attracted to....

 

Obviously, it has to be the decision of the individual who to come out to, and when, but in the case of a therapist I'd try to get the cards on the table almost immediately, if you can. Our sexual orientation can have a bearing on so many other parts of the emotional conundrum and withholding this information can become a real hindrance to the client/therapist relationship and any progress you might make.

A therapist is there to listen with empathy, regard for the client and without judgement, so there should be no easier person to come out to. I know that sounds good in theory, but can be harder in practice, but even if I had to write it down rather than speaking the words, I'd try to get it out of the way. I really think it's that important.

 

My current therapist knows of my sordid and varied experiences. I told him about it within 4 sessions. He didn't seem to care one way or the other. We are working on various things.

When I had to change therapists, my last therapist told me that the experienced and professional therapist should know how to deal with sexual, relationship, and intimacy issues. It's a big part of what they do. Unless they're in a specialty area, they definitely need to able to work with clients on these issues.

I'm really glad that you finally did the legwork and got on board with therapy. Don't worry about the dating market and cash flow as much as sorting things out. You've put this off for a while, if I recall, and you finally got there. I'm sure that, overall, it must feel better for you. Do you already have that new therapist? What sort of things do you look for in a therapist when you have searched, keeping the financial set up aside? Finding the right therapist is often the hardest part.

 

I think I got lucky on this go round. I agonized over reading backgrounds and reviews on quite a few therapists. I then chose one to start therapy with. At first, it was a little rocky. I wrote about that on the forum. Now, I feel that it's going well. This individual did not meet all of my criteria, but he met most of them.

I had one horrendous therapist. I was at such a low point that I kept him. The stuff he said and did was the stuff that should have been reported to some sort of board. I also had an EAP one for 7 sessions who was a jerk.

 

Shopping for a therapist is so incredibly annoying, but go you for making it a priority

Yeah, I would have to disagree with this and it sounds like a crutch.

Sexuality defines sooo many aspects of our lives. It touches our love lives, sex lives, family lives, friends, coworkers. If you are in the closet then you will have trust issues, issues with vulnerability, some will have anxiety issues and being in the closet will trigger self-esteem issues.

You cannot work on any of that if your therapist doesn't know what the hell is triggering everything.

Sexuality doesn't define you, no. But it does impact SO much about your life. This is why coming out is so much more than just having sex with a guy.

Because of your financial decision and having to invest your money wisely, I would highly suggest that you at least ask the therapists "Are you LGBT friendly?". With that question you 1) make sure they will be safe to come out to when you are ready 2) will give a hint without you having to explain anything or go into detail about stuff.

 

I have found it helpful to keep my expectations very low when seeing a therapist, otherwise I tend to get disappointed and angry. It's so interesting how therapists promise the moon on their websites ... they make it sound like they can turn your life around and you'll have great relationships and endless fulfillment ever after. Or they'll push the latest fad in psychotherapy such as EMDR, mindfulness, and so forth. So I always keep in mind that what happens in my life is really up to me ultimately. There are also significant prejudices and ideological biases built into the psychotherapy profession, and I tend to think that many therapists write patients off who don't readily conform to their prejudices/biases. So by all means say something to your therapist if their reaction to something you say makes you angry, upset, etc. But remember that your therapist is ultimately just a regular person trying to make a buck selling a service that is imperfect, which you are entitled to make use of to the extent it proves helpful.

 

Having moved to a new city, and finding FaceTime with my prior therapist whom I enjoyed working with too complicated after a few FaceTime sessions, I engaged with a new therapist suggested by a friend. The only thing I found burdomsom was having to rehash the last five years of my life without trying to miss anything. It took two sessions to do so and my new therapist did not seem to miss a beat (albeit he did ask me to write a bunch of my history for him to read before my first session). Fortunately, I am just as comfortable with my new therapist as my prior one, and even think I will benefit from his different perspectives on a few things.

Use your therapist as an extension of yourself. If it’s in your head, feel comfortable expressing it. That’s what they are there for. To help you organize what’s going on in your own head. The more you hold back, the harder it is for them to do their job.

 

I took note of what is bold. In a way, this sort of bothers me. I find it a little judgmental on their part. I had someone say this to me in my late 20s or early 30s. There could be many reasons why people haven't dated and especially haven't been in a relationship. Friend zoning going in both directions could very well explain it, among so many other explanations. People can also be cautious and with good reason. I feel as though they're projecting. The family history part is very important. That often explains a lot. I have a new friend who, like me, came from a nuclear family but as we compare notes, the problems caused by a parent or both parents have been of some magnitude in both of our lives.

This is a very good way to look at therapy.

BMC - since it appears you moved from a male therapist to a female therapist, how does that feel? I know some people who insist on a therapist who is the same gender while others don't make it a criteria.

 

I hope it works out well with this therapist. I knew that being closeted was a big part of my issues so I came out to both therapists I've been to at the first session. I'm surprised your orientation wouldn't come up when discussing lack of dating, unless the therapist doesn't ask questions involving gender or words them neutrally. I think I wanted to come out to them so at least I had someone to discuss it with out loud. It was somewhat helpful, perhaps gave me a short-lived confidence boost having the guts to do it. I think mine were surprised at my total lack of experience too, almost like they didn't believe me. I don't know about you, but for me that's a big regret/embarrassment which is another thing that keeps me avoiding new people so it's a piece of the puzzle I figured they should know. When no one you like is into you that knocks your confidence down further. It's such a loop of closet, low esteem, no one interested, lower esteem, no experience, embarrassed, depression, further isolated, years go by, etc etc. Again, I hope this goes well and things improve, take care!