I finally got into see a gender therapist after months of trying. They and others recently have asked me my preferred pronouns and I get all noncomittal and anti-label on them. I do want to keep my options open, but I also am super frustrated at being so noncommittal. Why couldn’t I answer that I prefer he/him/his? It would be the perfect safe space to try. Also, I knew for months that all I wanted for my birthday was an STP and/or packer of some sort. My birthday was more than a month ago and I let myself down. I refused to do something I knew would make me happy. Why? I am so mad at myself. I feel like I’m at war with myself, I have so much resistance to being trans. I can feel the resistance starting to become ridiculous, and yet it still chirps up in my brain. Why am I so stuck on, so obsessed with my gender? Can I live the life I want without having to transition? Without having to accept that I feel like a guy? Do I really even feel that way strongly anymore? Why am I waiting to figure things out before searching for male friends? Are they the ones saying I can’t be one of the guys or am I the one assuming they won’t accept me if I’m not on T? I just go round and round in my head like this. With one or the other side gaining temporary advantage only to get crushed again the next day. Why am I doing this to myself?