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Angry at myself...

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by WhoIsKris, Jul 7, 2018.

  1. WhoIsKris

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Some people
    I finally got into see a gender therapist after months of trying. They and others recently have asked me my preferred pronouns and I get all noncomittal and anti-label on them. I do want to keep my options open, but I also am super frustrated at being so noncommittal. Why couldn’t I answer that I prefer he/him/his? It would be the perfect safe space to try. Also, I knew for months that all I wanted for my birthday was an STP and/or packer of some sort. My birthday was more than a month ago and I let myself down. I refused to do something I knew would make me happy. Why?

    I am so mad at myself. I feel like I’m at war with myself, I have so much resistance to being trans. I can feel the resistance starting to become ridiculous, and yet it still chirps up in my brain. Why am I so stuck on, so obsessed with my gender? Can I live the life I want without having to transition? Without having to accept that I feel like a guy? Do I really even feel that way strongly anymore? Why am I waiting to figure things out before searching for male friends? Are they the ones saying I can’t be one of the guys or am I the one assuming they won’t accept me if I’m not on T?

    I just go round and round in my head like this. With one or the other side gaining temporary advantage only to get crushed again the next day.

    Why am I doing this to myself?
     
  2. BradThePug

    Community Facilitator Admin Team Full Member

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    It's easy to beat yourself up. I've been in that position a lot. I remember when I first went to a transgender support meeting. They asked me what pronouns I wanted to have used. I totally locked up. One of the other members asked if I had ever thought about using male pronouns. I gave it a shot that night and the rest is history I guess. If it were not for that push, it would have taken me a lot longer to test the waters with pronouns.

    The thing that I have started to do is to look at why I am mad. What could I have done differently to get a better outcome? How can I avoid this same thing happening in the future? Even asking why you feel the way that you feel can be helpful. As time goes on, you may be able to understand what is holding you back and making you scared about looming for male friends and talking to your therapist.

    Just remember, this is all a process and it will take some time. You don't have to rush yourself :slight_smile:
     
  3. Chris87

    Chris87 Guest

    @WhoIsKris I am completely understanding!!! How long have you been questioning yourself? I have noticed in the last 6ish or so months my brain has been short circuited on my gender. I go from being female, to FTM, to genderfluid. Everytime I am comfortable with my gender...it lasts like an hour and something completely shatters that confidence. I have this need to hear my husband call me by my Male name and pronouns and then when he does I get worried that he's uncomfortable or that it's going to push him away. I have searched for gender therapists and everytime I'm ready to make the call I decide I dont need to. I have looked for a transgender support group and just dont have one in my area.

    I still havent bought a packer or binder because I keep saying we could use that money for other stuff. I'll make excuse after excuse.

    We can get through this. I was told to just make slow subtle changes. Allow yourself and others time to get used to slow changes and you can see what your more comfortable with without outing yourself.
     
  4. Kodo

    Full Member

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    I can relate. The first time I introduced myself as Alec, and asked to be referred to with male pronouns, I was terrified and unsure. It felt odd to hear people call me that, uncomfortable even. But time passed and it grew on me, it became natural and actually a lot more comfortable than my birth name / pronouns. My ears still perk up every time I'm called 'he' or or 'him' even though it's been almost a year now that I've been full time living as male.

    It's okay to question things. It's okay to be scared. But you never know how much you can grow unless you push yourself outside of your comfort zone. If you feel something would make you happier, go for it. The worst that can happen with pronouns would be to realize after all you prefer female ones, and even that isn't a necessarily bad realization. The worst that can happen with buying binders / packers is a little wasted money and a realization that maybe you don't actually need those after all. I remember that I was really fixated on having a packer and finally bought one, but after packing for a while decided it wasn't for me and those feelings faded. While I did spend $20 on something I no longer use, it wasn't totally a waste because I learned more about myself and my true needs through the experience.

    The best thing, I think, is to take things slow and keep yourself open to all possibilities. If you can live and be happy as a gender nonconforming female, that is okay. If you need to transition, that is okay too. Ultimately you must decide what will fulfill you , all other expectations aside. And that takes a lot of time and trying different things.
     
    Chris87 likes this.
  5. WhoIsKris

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Salt Lake City
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Thanks for your answers, guys. It’s all super helpful. @BradThePug and @Kodo It helps to hear that others have felt that terror and doubt. I nearly had a panic attack while in the waiting room for my first appt with this therapist. It was easier the second time, though still scary. There is a trans support group meeting in a couple weeks, so I’m working up my courage to go and at least listen. And maybe its enough if all I do is show up the first time.

    @Chris87 I’ve been questioning for a year and a half or so. I started by telling my then-girlfriend that I thought I was a boy. And got my haircut. I’ve been buying men’s clothing and taking the lead role when dancing. (This is an annoying gender role thing, I think anyone should be able to lead or follow), but it also lets me build camaraderie with the guys at the dance studio. I couldn’t believe how great I felt the first time I shaved my face. I pack every day with a sock, and bind often or at least wear layers, and compression or sports bra.

    So I guess I’m saying I’ve taken a number of baby steps and what is scary now is the realization that maybe I want to move from questioning to accepting that I am actually trans. And I’m resisting this acceptance quite a bit. I’ve been looking for a therapist for at least 6 months, and I think my mental resistance has contributed to not finding one until now. Maybe I hadn’t been ready yet?
     
    #5 WhoIsKris, Jul 11, 2018
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2018