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Angry at myself for denying it for so long

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by findingjoy, Dec 10, 2016.

  1. findingjoy

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    I have recently started to get angry at myself - how could I convince myself all these years I wasn't gay? Right now I am an online dating flirting and chatting with guys and it feels so natural. I've started to flirt a little in real life too - it feels wonderful but inevitably I start to think about all those wasted years. Times when hot guys tried to pick me up and I reacted with hostility, the years of explaining away my sexual fantasies.

    I FINALLY feel my romantic, emotional and sexual needs are in sync and I feel like a complete person but part of me gets angry at myself for torturing myself all these years...

    Did anyone else experience this when coming out?

    I guess its a good thing the doubts are 99% gone, and this is primary negative feeling I am dealing with.

    Sorry just needed to rant.
     
  2. hexamum

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    Most definitely.
    However, I turn it around and think I wouldn't be where I am right now if I'd not chosen a certain path, and good people in my life wouldn't exist to me xx
    So glad you're in sync. It's a good feeling xx
     
  3. findingjoy

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    Thanks hexamum, yes I really can't get over how good it feels to fully accept myself as gay- I feel SO ALIVE ...but damn why didn't I do this before! :grin:
     
  4. baristajedi

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    I know exactly what you're feeling, findingjoy. There have been times I felt that regret so strongly as well.

    But hexamum puts it really well; we are who we are from the experiences we've had and the paths we've taken. It's not easy to keep perspective, but it helps to remind yourself of that now and then.
     
  5. findingjoy

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    baristajedi,
    I was just looking at some of my older posts, doubting, fearing, denying, so I guess I have come along way in the last few months. (which you helped me a great deal!)
    I guess I should be happy that I have not only fully accepted myself but absolutely love being gay. There's many people here who have been struggling with acceptance longer.
     
  6. Blackrainbow

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    It's really such an awful thing that the way we're socialised from such a young age, we're taught to believe being different in some way is to be avoided at all costs and some kind of worst case scenario even. When we can work push that to accept that, it feels so good to finally be who you are.

    Ultimately the change needs to happen externally, and not in every individual born this way who may or may not be able to reach self-acceptance eventually.
     
  7. baristajedi

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    You have come a long way findingjoy! You should be proud of taking those steps. I'm happy to be a part of your journey :slight_smile: that's what we're all here for, to help eachother reach out potential (*hug*)

    ---------- Post added 10th Dec 2016 at 05:50 PM ----------

    *our
     
  8. findingjoy

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    Thanks! I was just thinking the other day I don't even think about women anymore -like trying to force myself to sexually aroused. It now seems so silly! It's really, really really sunk in that I am gay and I am so happily surprised how good it feels to accept that. I know we all still have challenges ahead but its so much easier when you're doing the right thing for yourself.


    I really hope they fix the edit function soon! :slight_smile:
     
  9. johndeere3020

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    Careful to not let your anger get out of control, it can turn to depression and worse. The past is the past, it is gone. Work on making the future better!

    Dean
     
  10. Yonk86

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    I can't say Im angry, only maybe a little frustated. I only began experamenting by going out to a few gay clubs/bars/areas within the last two years while overseas. Prior to that I really can't say I had much interest in men other then occasionally with porn. Prior I was interested in women, although not with this much excitement.

    It wasn't till a recent incident that I seen other gay couples getting together that I got jealous that made me realise that this jealousy feeling, something I had never felt before stemmed from me wanting the same.

    Finally I can admit to myself Im gay now at 30 after roughly 4 years of denial. The journey ahead will be hard, but makes me feel better and that is all that matters. (!)(!) Now need to get out there!!(!):icon_bigg:icon_bigg. Hoping it all works out for me.
     
  11. I'm gay

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    I don't let myself dwell on those thoughts. Sure, every now and again I'll have a feeling of anger at myself for the lost years, but I'm able to remind myself that I have my two beautiful and awesome boys from my choices earlier in life. I can't regret that, so why not just accept what is past is past and make the most of my future. Acceptance also means being at peace for where you are now. Continue to work on that acceptance.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  12. justaguyinsf

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    That makes no sense. Your past choices were based on what you felt was best for yourself then, even if you disagree with them now. So the premise of beating yourself up is wrong to begin with. And looking backward only takes away from now and the future. Why do that?
     
  13. johndeere3020

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    Just a guy in sf.....Sometimes it can be easier to look back and oh so hard to look ahead....
    Dean
     
  14. justaguyinsf

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    Very true ... and the irony is that the present and future are then tainted with the past that one is trying so hard to move beyond.
     
  15. Patrick7269

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    findingjoy,

    I think there's a certain amount of grief that goes along with a change as radical as coming out, or even being different. Your anger might be from grief over the feeling of lost time, or lost opportunity, or lost freedom. Coming out (in my opinion) gives a person the freedom to be themselves openly, and it means living in authenticity, but I don't think it makes life easy or that it's a panacea for pain.

    As much as you can, forgive yourself and be grateful that you've come to this place from whatever journey. You may have been in denial (consciously or not) because it wasn't safe to be out. It's only natural that you would have protected yourself or swayed yourself away from being a sexual minority. It's okay.

    When you feel anger toward yourself, just think about the big picture - you've overcome fear and doubt that held you back. You've acknowledged this about yourself so that you can now live in freedom and integrity. You've expressed a lot of love for yourself by giving yourself these things.

    *warm hugs*

    Patrick
    Seattle, WA
     
  16. looking for me

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    cant change the past sweetie, but the good news is you know and accept now, you're flirting with guys now and having fun. you weren't ready then, you are now. ever forward.
     
  17. greatwhale

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    Hey Findingjoy,

    Here is a thought-experiment:

    What if there are no mistakes? What if you had to live your life exactly as you did to this very moment, over and over? Could you live in this "eternal recurrence" (as described by Nietzsche)? Could you somehow find a way to not only accept, but actually love your fate (amor fati)?

    Here is another approach from a Zen Buddhist perspective: have you ever seen an imperfect cloud, or an ocean wave that doesn't quite measure up to what a wave should look like? If you agree that indeed you haven't, then why not take the point of view that you yourself have lived as you needed to, up to this very point and beyond?

    Anger at the past is the frustration of not being able to change it, i.e. to control it. Not only is the past gone, it needs to be let go. One's psychic and physical energies are so precious and in a deep sense, finite...so why not concentrate on where you are at this moment, and save all of your energy for the life you are living now (you're going to need it!)?
     
  18. Patrick7269

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    greatwhale, I love that advice for myself as well. I am beginning to see how much of my life (myself, even) I've discarded because it doesn't fit some mental model or ideal of what "should" be. Thanks!

    Patrick
     
  19. findingjoy

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    True. I am going to need it.

    Thanks everyone... spending time looking back on things you can't change is a waste of time - sometimes introspection is important -knowing where you went wrong so you don't do it again. But 'dwelling' is pointless.
     
  20. greatwhale

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    Exactly right! I read something this morning that is so pertinent, explaining why the rear-view mirror is so much smaller than the windshield, i.e. what is in front of you is what is important, the rear-view should occupy much less attention: best used toward the avoidance of making the same mistakes.