Hey, soo... I think I need to vent/get some opinions. I'm sorry this isn't strictly LGBTQ. I should probably be on some poly support forum or something.. chuckle, there is a support group for just about anybody nowadays heh Anyway, so some of you know my back history, wife coming out(ish) Not sure if she's gay or bi, decided to have open marriage on her side so she could get to know herself better. That's the back story, the current story is she's been seeing someone for a little bit, not long but, it's been moving pretty steady. Date, then another home dinner date. Then farmers market the next morning. a couple other mini things and then she spent the night last night. I don't have a problem with my wife dating laura, She seems to make her happy. What I have a problem with is honest open communications. At home I've been very supportive, I try to make time for her to chat/visit, I don't have any problem with her txting late into the night. It's all open and honest, if my wife is txting and laughs about something or I notice a big smile i'll ask her what's so funny and she'll be honest and tell me. Even if it's something like laura just said the sweetest thing.. "bla bla". When things are this way I feel good, no hiding, just being open and honest. Now my problem is... ugghh.. i need to be off to therapy. Chuckle always a funny phrase. Any way be back in an hour
Wow. You are being incredibly generous here. The thing I would caution from what I've read up on around polyamory is that all relationships are equal. Clearly in your situation it is not as you and your wife are still married which comes along with it more weight right out of the gates. Considering an open marriage is different. Open marriages establish that the marriage is the primary relationship and outside relationships are secondary. Typically both parties are also participating in outside relationships as well. As long as it is one sided on her part, the long term outcome and health of your marriage is not good.
My husband and I did our own discussions and research around different ways to keep the marriage from dissolving but in the end we both knew neither of us would be up for it. As painful as going through the motions of separation and eventual divorce is, and respectfully more painful for him because he is still in love with me and in a lot of pain around me coming out, we both acknowledge that we both deserve to have a relationship one day where we feel respected and loved as a whole person.
I truly sorry you are going through this. Every time I see you post I think of my husband. He is trying so hard for the sake of my kids but he is so angry. Our marriage had been so tumultuous for so long, but we had addressed so much in the past year and were really trying to give it a go for the long term. But I just couldn't do it. I was dying inside and once I was able to come to terms with my orientation and say it out loud to myself, I said it to him. His anger and pain is out of control some days, but other days he is doing incredibly well and we are able to talk rationally. We are attempting to work out the details of our separation without lawyers for the time being. It is devastating and life changing for us both on many levels.
What your wife is experiencing is what a lot of poly people call “new relationship energy” NRE. There are ways to deal with it so the primary partner doesn’t feel left out or rejected. I think married couples often jump into poly situations without researching it first. Which is not great because so many of the pitfalls can happen in the beginning. Maybe you and her can do some reading about NRE together and how to deal with it as a couple? I had other poly friends before I entered into a poly relationship so I had familiarity with some of the concepts. I don’t consider myself a poly person, it was an arrangement that my husband and I agreed on to help me figure myself out. So I was very careful, in the end I realized I was gay and not bi but I believe my attention to my husbands needs and open communication saved us being able to stay close even as our marriage is ending. In your case she is questioning gay or bi, so you could end up with a similar result. I still think it would be good for you guys talk about ways for you to not feel slighted in this. It will benefit the two of you in the long run regardless of how things shake out. Is the woman she is dating also married? Does she have experience with polyamory? It really can be a lot to balance more than one person. Even though both the people in my life were ok with it I still put an incredible amount of pressure on myself to make them both happy.
Is your wife in love with both of you...or has she moved on? That's the important question here. It seems like you two have a good relationships - which is a good thing - but is your relationship still romantic? Still sexual? Or is it more...friendship? Because there's a difference between polyamory vs her no longer being romantically and/or sexually invested in your relationship. I don't want to jump to conclusions of course.
Hey sorry about the break in this post, life got in the way. Ok so what I was going to talk about yesterday isn't really on my mind that much. I spoke with my wife and things are good. I was going to say my problem is how she is at Laura's with txting and calling, but we've talked about it and she's just worried that laura is already unsure of dating a married woman so she tries to downplay that side of things. Not lie, just not jump on the phone with me when they're hanging out. I'm ok with this for now, but i'd like to get to the point where it's just not a big deal, I'd like to meet laura and tell her hi, no hard feelings, i'm not a boogy man lol. Any way, my issue yesterday got resolved. Now to respond to you guys.
Hey, thank you so much but I'm ok so far.. Not saying this is easy but I'm alright, odd but alright. Sigh, I really do get the so tumultuous for so long... We've had a few bad years too.. years.. it's crazy to say you've had bad YEARS. We were close to devorcing about two years ago, she moved out and got her own apartment for a little bit. Thinks got better but still not happy, we started therapy, got on some anti depressants and things slowly started getting better and better. Then my wife told me she was probably gay not bi. That was a huge jolt to the system and it really made me just reset. Like turning off and then back on your computer. I saw that my wife needed support, needed help with this, plus I hate seeing women cry. heh. But since then we're friends again, real friends.. i'm sad to say it's been years. I know things may still lead down the rd you're on but who knows maybe they won't. Side note, it sucks but being vulnerable with your husband might help smooth the waters. Telling him about how things hurt ( Not how he hurt you, but how not being yourself hurts, what makes you happy, when you're open and not defensive/offensive it gives the most chance for him to empathize. Unfortunately it's still just a chance for him to understand. He needs to be in a spot where he can connect with your pain/happiness . Good luck, and stay optimistic that there is still plenty of life out there. This moment will pass and things will get better.
Hey, I'm not a poly expert, but i've been in my fair share of regular relationships. I get NRE or SNT (shiney new toy) I thought about all this earlier, probably on there first date. *that's just how my brain works, I enjoy thinking, figuring out puzzles and stuff) I went through what it would mean for my wife to be in a relationship with someone else. Thought about the NRE thingy, in fact I've been trying to be a little extra accommodating right now. The thing is I can empathize. New relationships are just.. a lot. and she needs the room to figure out what the heck is going on. Because my mindset is grounded in empathy I really don't feel slighted most of the time. My wife is happy I'm happy. But when things do pop up, I either talk with her or just try to dismiss it. Just depends on how strongly I feel. I use this forum to unpack/vent sometimes so that helps too. The woman she's dating isn't married, she was married a few years back and has two teenage daughters and I don't believe she has any experience with poly. Your comment on a previous thread about how you felt all this pressure to make everyone happy, stuck in my head. It's another reason i'm vey helpful. I try to make this easy on my wife, sure i'll grab the kids, yes I think sending flowers to her work would be sweet, like right now i'm getting her pjs washed for her overnight bag. I want this to work so I'm doing what I can to make it work..
Is my wife in love with both of us... the truth, I'm not sure. I know she loves me and I know that she really enjoys the time she gets with laura. It's hard to compare the two. My wife and I have known each other.... 16 ish years, and been married for 11. My wife has known laura for about 6 months and dating for about a week. Is our relationship still romantic, it's more lovey than romantic I think.. but these words like romantic are loaded words.. they're very subjective. So I'm not really sure. I hate to say this but i'm just a dumb guy when it comes to romance. I know how to make someone happy, how to get someone in bed, is that romance? I have no idea. Anyway I can answer the still sexual bit. Yeah we're still sexual. But to be honest I'm not exactly sure what that means. My wife.... well she likes sex. We've been together a long time and I know how to make her feel good, but i know being with her gf excites her in a way that I just can't. Is it more sexual or friendship.. Idk, I think it kinda depends on the day or the hour. I'm really not sure how any of this works, can you have sex with just a friend? what does that mean? what makes a romantic relationship over a best friend you have sex with. /shrug what I'm guessing is everyone is a little bit different here. That's why we're doing this.. to figure out how we feel about all this stuff.
@HelpLOL thank you so much for sharing your story here. I find it thrilling and terrifying all at the same time. I feel like I could be in a similar situation, but from the perspective of Laura. I keep asking myself what I would want or do? Would I want to talk openly with the husband? Would I be ok knowing that I wasn't a part of my lover's primary relationship? I have never heard of the terms related to poly stuff that you guys mentioned. Hmmm...maybe I should do some research. Or, maybe just forget about it and spare myself from the potential hurt?? Ugh no easy answer...
I have to go for a bit right now, but if you can't tell I'm an open book. If you have any questions feel free, I definitely don't have all the answers.. hell i'm not sure I have any answers, but i do know how i look and feel about things. Which I think is a pretty good start. heh
Just got back from therapy, my therapist said something funny. She said if she joined me in how I look at things I wouldn't need her. heh So she tried to focus on what happens if things don't go well. I told her I have no idea and we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. heh It's funny she tries to find where i'm having a problem with any of this and I just don't. We both kinda agree that how my wife is feeling is where the focus needs to be. You mentioned "wasn't a part of my lovers primary relationship", I try not to look at it this way. When I compare relationships it can be painful. I know right now my wife and I have a full life together, kids, work, fam, bills, taxes, etc etc.. So we are very intertwined, but does that make mine the primary? If i looked that way I'd probably say her job is her primary relationship. She spends the greatest part of her time involved with some kind of job related thing. *she's a manager at a well known tech company*.If i compare my relationship to her job I lose. *which has caused some problems in the past* So I just don't look at it like that. Does my wife love and care about me yes. Do I understand her job is important to her, yes. Can she care about more than one thing at a time.. yes. I guess I see it as a fluid thing, right now i could say I'm primary, but not because of all the other stuff, but because we have history and more emotional investment in each other. At some point this might change as their relationship grows. Does this mean things are over between us? Does this mean that things might not swing back in my direction? Who really knows. It's hard having a good comparable but what pops to mind is my kids. I love all my kids, that being said sometimes i prefer doing something with one over another, but that can easily change back just depending. Can romantic love work like this also... Not sure, maybe? heh
You are a good person. You are very rare. I wish you the best of luck. You can know without a shadow of a doubt you have given everything to your marriage.
Thank you, That's the plan. Not sure what I'm going to do if things don't work, but at least I know I didn't hold back.
It's a good point you make about the primary relationship. I also focus heavily on different people/things at different times. Maybe once the 'honeymoon' phase is over, your wife could focus more on her marriage? Women can be pretty intense at the beginning stage - you should probably prepare yourself for that. Time will tell but I think you're a pretty cool dude and handling this as well as anyone in your situation possibly could.
I honestly hope she "enjoys" the honeymoon phase, I just want her to keep in mind that it is most likely a phase and if not, bad for me good for her lol. No really, from what I've seen in straight/LGBTQ *is it ok if i don't put the Q. I'm old school and it's still odd to add the Q* relationships they pretty much all follow similar paths. This new person is freaking hot/awesome and I want to spend all my time in and out of bed with them. That goes for a while until either you connect deeper or you don't. My wife is in the first stage, hard to say what will happen next. And yes she can be pretty intense, but she's also a well grounded person. I say this with all sincerity, she's the best person I know.. If i would come to her and tell her i wanted to be with a guy, a girl or just wanted to start my own religion she would hear me out and be supportive. heh I'd have guilt if I treated her any different, then she could rub it in my face that she's better than me. *she might be, but she DOES NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT lol* Anyway, She really doesn't have too much to work on with our marriage (besides her being sure she can be married to a guy) That and picking up wet towels off the floor... that really annoys me ... heh.. no really how hard is it to hang up a wet towel... And thanks for saying I'm a cool dude. I'm not cool like I can dance, or have any form of style at all. (it's clean= wear it, it's not clean.. maybe wear it..) but I do like to think and I like to see all sides of everything. It's funny too tho, what really made all this possible was my wife needing me, needing help. That's a big part of who I am is just a helper.. that sounds funny but you get what I mean. She hasn't needed my help in a long time and that caused problems. I need to be needed lol. I'm sure my therapist would have thoughts on that but... i'm not going to bring it up to her any time soon.
Damn it, my need for clarity made me come back to the computer to say this. I'm not always a cool dude... I've done some shitty things, usually never out of anger but out of indifference or just not thinking about the repercussions of my actions. I did have an affair, 3ish years ago now. I crossed a line and just fell for my friend hook line and sinker. I had a six month or so affair before my wife found out. After a lot of fighting and hurt feelings we all tried that poly thing for a little bit. The problem was she wasn't bi, she'd play along but she was there because of me not my wife. Anyway, just wanted you to get the fuller picture. I try to be more of a cool dude than a dick dude.. that's a little funny. Some times the cool wins sometimes i fuck up and the dick wins... ok i know i could use a different word there but isn't it just funnier if I don't ... lol
