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Am I valid?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Roscoe S, Sep 12, 2018 at 9:01 PM.

  1. Roscoe S

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    Hey, Roscoe here.

    I never really told anyone about this, so I may be a bit rocky in my explanation.
    For reference, I was born male, and am attracted to guys.

    For the longest time, I had a rocky relationship with my father. I never felt like I could be the son he wanted me to be. As I grew up and realized that I liked men, any remaining sense of masculinjty seemed to have escaped me. I have times where I cannot look in the mirror at all, because I'm terrified of seeing my male body. I don't feel right in this body. I've never been the man my father wanted me to be, and I never will be. I can't stand being male.

    Most of my friends are female, and even they are somewhat surprised that I don't act like "other guys". I've seen the looks on other girls' faces when I do something nice for them or compliment them.
    "Why?" is what I see. It hurts. "You're a guy. Why are you being so nice?" Small everyday things can trigger my dysphoria. I ended up loosely identifying myself as "non gender-specific" and going by he/they to help alleviate some of this pain, but I sometimes feel like I'm not valid. I do not support transtrending, and I don't want to be a part of that.

    What do you think? Is this just me being pissy about my dad not being there for me, or do my reasons sound genuine? I don't even know anymore...

    Any comments are appreciated. Thank you for your ongoing support! <3
     
  2. Flynn S

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    Hey Roscoe!

    Yes, you are valid.

    It can be difficult sometimes to tell what is the cause of seemingly dysphoric situations - internalized homophobia? Fear of disappointing loved ones? Gender dysphoria? I think this is something you should investigate further. Reading through your post a lot of your discomfort seems to emanate from stereotypes of masculinity that you don't quite fit in to. You don't have to act like "other guys" to be a guy just as being nice and complementing people doesn't automatically make you unmanly (that's actually a pretty sexist attitude). On the other hand you also say:
    Which, in my opinion, suggests something deeper. The most important question, then, is to ask: why? Why don't you feel right in your body? If you had always maintained a good relationship with your father, would you still feel that way?

    Regardless, your identity is nobody's business but your own. If you are more comfortable with nonbinary identities and they help you, use them. If using them is only a partial solution to bypass some other feeling you are struggling with, then it might not be as useful. I don't necessarily like the term 'transtrender' because it necessitates assumptions about people - who gets to decide who is real and who is not? That said, I do not support people crying victim for the sole purpose of gaining attention. Anyway, I'm getting off topic...

    To answer your question, your reasons sound genuine, but it is up to you to determine what action you take is in your best interest.
     
  3. AudryLeigh

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    Hey Roscoe,

    You sound like a girl trapped in a boy's body to me. I was, for the longest time. To me, everything you said screams "TRANSSEXUAL FEMALE here"! If I were you (I'm not, but if I were), I'd see a gender therapist or psychiatrist/psychologist, and tell them that you want to start looking into hormone therapy. @Flynn S is taking a very cautious and conservative approach, but as someone who's been there and done that, I can say, you sure sound like a girl to me.

    Hugs,
    Audry Leigh
     
  4. AlexJames

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    I don't remember if this is against the rules, but fuck gender stereotypes. You don't have to fit in with or act like what society says a guy should act like to be a guy. Being trans is, at the heart, about feeling dysphoric about your primary and secondary sex characteristics. So if at the end of the day you can't stand them, that's a sign you should investigate further. Audry has a good idea - find a gender therapist to talk to.

    In the meantime, maybe practice in front of the mirror or in the shower like i did cause i was scared someone would overhear. Practice introducing yourself as you normally do, and add your assigned at birth gender to it. Then do the same, but with girls names. I mean it works better for picking a name out but it works just as well for figuring out your identity and building confidence in it.

    For me, i was so used to feeling like shit, and as a coping mechanism for life i suppress and explain away everything so its nothing and i don't gotta face it and deal with it and eventually i believe my own lies to myself and dig myself even deeper. So for me, feeling crippling dysphoria wasn't a sign to make me feel valid cause i felt like shit all the time. I legit convinced myself i didn't like girls as a teen - that i was just a modest, good christian daughter like mom wanted me to be. And not being what mom wanted me to be was never an option. Once again, conservative southern baptist christian republican family with a tyrant for a mom. I felt like something was just innately wrong with me for such a long time. But when i bought my binder and saw myself in the mirror, with my then-long hair put up in a hat, i grinned like a kid on christmas looking at my own reflection. And i can't remember ever feeling happy to see myself in the mirror until that moment. It felt right. Like i was looking at something resembling me for the first time. Gender euphoria is just as important and validating as gender dysporia, i think.

    Sorry this turned into a vent session.
     
    #4 AlexJames, Sep 17, 2018 at 6:14 PM
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2018 at 6:16 PM
  5. fadedstar

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    girls other than who?

    I've almost accidentally typed that several times too. But I always "correct" it.

    Edit: I suppose having certain patterns of speech or typing don't necessarily equate to any deeper meaning, but it's maybe something to consider.
     
    #5 fadedstar, Sep 17, 2018 at 6:42 PM
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2018 at 6:45 PM