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am i trans

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by watsky, Nov 25, 2018.

  1. watsky

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Washington
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Out Status:
    Some people
    hi. ive been questioning my gender for about two years now and have just recently come out as a trans man to my therapist, mom, a few irl friends, and basically all of my internet friends. im 14 years old, not sure if that makes a difference at all. i guess i had some childhood dysphoria, but im not sure. for example:
    1. i would have breakdowns about getting the “girl toy” at mcdonalds.
    2. every time my sister would call one of my stuffed animals a girl i would yell at her and say its a boy
    3. i hated pink because it was a “girly color”
    4. when i played the game “animal jam” i would always dress up as a boy (along with one of my irl friends who later found out they were nonbinary) and i even got a girlfriend
    5. i absolutely hated dresses and would scream and cry when i had to wear them
    6. i always thought that boys were better than girls and would tease girls about how they were slower and weaker, and when someone would point out that i was a girl myself i would feel embarrassed and confused at how i would forget in the moment

    i dont know if those are valid reasons but ill just keep on going. ive never really been that upset about my birthname and pronouns until recently. after all, my birthname could be considered a guys name sometimes. its not that i hate being called a she, im just a lot more comfortable with male pronouns.

    puberty was a nightmare. when my chest was flat i was a lot happier than i am now, but as soon as i started to grow breasts i immediately became scared and confused. i would change for p.e in the bathroom because i didnt want anyone to see me, and when i didnt it seemed like everyone liked to point out how i was more “developed” than anyone else. that made me sick. i resorted to wearing so many sports bras to the point where i couldnt breathe probably anymore.

    i found out what transgender was when i was in about 5th grade, but i didnt think i would ever identify with it because i was “just a tomboy.” when i went to middle school i would wear big hoodies to cover my chest and hips. my hips made me extremely insecure because they werent like a boys, they were curvy and feminine. i got my mom to buy me a binder and she didnt even question it. i started to identify as trans around summer of 2017. in 8th grade i was out to my irl friends ally, ella, kelsey and aurene (the nonbinary friend). one day i teased ella about someone she liked and she threatened to out me to everyone, so i beat her up.

    around the middle of 8th grade year i told my therapist that i wanted to start taking a certain type of medication. he asked what kind, and i said the kind that will change my hormones. he got what i was saying and a few weeks later i came out to my mom. she didnt believe me, said she wouldnt support it (but would “accept” it), said ill always be her daughter no matter what and that i shouldnt transition because ill want to be a girl again later. i cried. hard. i made her leave the room and my therapist asked if i needed to go see someone because he was afraid i was going to hurt myself.

    the next time i tried to talk about this with my mom she ignored it and blew it off like it was nothing, and she would continue to do that until she eventually physically hurt me for feeling dysphoric at a party and tried talking about it with her. she compared me to her friends lesbian daughter because we were “going through the same thing.” this is why i dont talk to her about anything. she always interrupts me before i can get anything out. that same lesbian daughter came up to me one day and the conversation basically went like this:
    her: hey, new name?
    me: what?
    her: youre trans right?

    i didnt know what to say, i was so scared that i almost started to cry

    me: how did you know?
    her: our moms are best friends. my mom talks to me about everything

    from that point on i stopped talking to my mom about anything personal.

    my mom not accepting me is making me question myself really badly. im now a freshman in highschool and im not sure what to think of myself anymore. i tried to cut my hair in the sunmer but i was so scared my mom was going to make it feminine that i didnt go through with it. im so confused and scared to do everything i used to like doing.

    am i trans
     
  2. BookDragon

    Full Member

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    Location:
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    Out to everyone
    That's really for you to say, but it certainly sounds probable...
     
  3. Mihael

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Whether you are a trans man, a tomboy or something in between, is up to how you feel about describing yourself this way and up to how you feel about transitioning, both social and physical. The latter, tho, is possible if you are non-binary as well and also up to how you feel about your body.
     
  4. Mihael

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    God. It sucks that you can't trust your mom. Have you talked to her about it?

    As for saying that you will always be a daughter, this is a normal phrase parents say. After they digest the information, they might change their mind. My mom said the same when I came out, but she for sure didn't mean it in any bad way and I'm sure other parents also don't mean it in a bad way. I think it is a way of saying that you are still her child and you are being loved regardless, even if not said in the most fortunate way. Parents are humans too, and they get emotional sometimes too, especially when it comes to their children. My mom even calls me a he now, despite that intial outburst. Be patient with your mom and keep it in mind that she also has weaknesses.

    As for wanting to be a girl later, nobody can guarantee that it won't happen. I wanted to be a boy when I was 14 or so, and haven't transitioned the physical way, I came out as transgender a couple of years ago, and I'm completely fine with the way things are. Emotions in the teenage years are especially intense and as they calm down, you might turn out to be a different person. There are plenty of ways to be transgender, there is no one size fits all solution. You can transition all the way or just a bit, you can come out or you can keep it to yourself if you wish so, and finally you can be binary trans or non-binary. Give yourself the space to do some trial and error to see who you are.

    Hang in there! :slight_smile:
     
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